The Legend of Zelda: Big Brother House
by Pokemistress
Summary: Yes folks, The Legend of Zelda cast takes on their biggest challenge yet: Big Brother's House. And what's more, YOU get to vote on who gets the boot! Hilarity ensues, I promise. Read intro for more info.
1. Week 1 Monday

Legend of Zelda: Big Brother House

_Intro_ – I got the idea for this after reading one online with the cast of Inu-Yasha (for those of you who want to read it, Google "The Fluffy Mag" and click on the little box at the middle-right side that says "Big Buttocks" ).

Seeing as this is based off of a reality tv series, this fanfic's going to be handled a bit differently. If there is a character that you want to have voted off, participate in my poll. I'll try to keep updating the polls per "week" (this fanfic won't follow real weeks. It might take me a few days to submit an entry), but as I've never used the polls feature before, I don't know how well it'll work. Give me some time though. :)

You get two votes per poll/week. If I don't get any (or very few) votes, I'll fill in the results myself. In general though, I shall listen to you (ha ha ha!)

If the polls aren't working, you can post your choices in the Review section. Put both choices in the same post though, to keep things less confusing

Lastly, legal stuff: No, I don't own Legend of Zelda (if I did, do you honestly think I'd be spending my time writing fan fiction about it?) I definitely don't own Big Brother House. I don't own the version of Big Brother House that I linked too (and if the person who _does_ own it is reading this, please, please, _please_, finish it, okay?)

Final warnings: I might inadvertently give spoilers for various LOZ games, such as Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask, and Twilight Princess. So if you haven't beaten the game yet and are bothered by spoilers, ye have been warned…

And without further ado, let us begin!

Cast Members

Link – Hero of Time and wielder of the Triforce of Courage. Rescues Princess Zelda and fights evil a whole lot. Doesn't really talk much.

Princess Zelda – Princess of Hyrule and wielder of the Triforce of Wisdom. Has a tendency to get kidnapped, but she also has sweet magic and archery skills.

Ganondorf – King of the Gerudos, wielder of the Triforce of Power, and the main villain in the Legend of Zelda. Spends his time trying to steal the other two Triforce parts, kidnap Zelda, or enslave Hyrule. Is always thwarted by Link.

Navi – An annoying fairy companion of Link, mostly known for her irritating phrases such as "Hello?" "Look!" or "Listen!" Kind of the Tinkerbelle to Link's Peter Pan.

Malon – A farm girl who shows up in most Legend of Zelda games. Pretty spunky and great with horses.

Midna – The ruler of the Twilight Realm. A little imp-like creature with many strange powers.

Zant – The crazy usurper of the Twilight Realm throne. Doesn't really care for Midna or Link (as both foiled his evil schemes).

Majora – Formerly a god worshiped by a now extinct civilization. Previously inhabited a mask, but was thrown from that by Link. Now is just a shadowy monster.

Vaati – A wind sorcerer from the future. He could be considered second only to Ganondorf, villainy-wise.

**Week 1, Monday**

**10:00 A.M.**

The thoroughly confused cast is herded into the house by Big Brother security. They enter the living room and are immediately told to sit on the sofas and chairs to await further instructions. The security has just left the room when a voice booms seemingly from nowhere.

"This is Big Brother! Welcome to Big Brother's House!"

All of the cast jumps at this and Zant completely freaks out. "My lord Ganondorf!" he shrieks. "This house is possessed by a demon!"

"You idiot, there's no demon here," snaps Vaati. "The voice is coming out of that box". Sure enough, there is a speaker hanging near the ceiling.

Zant proceeds to fly up and stare at it in fascination. "You mean the demon's _inside_ of that little box? Wow, it must be limber!"

"Get back in your seat!" says the voice. "I am _not_ a demon. I am Big Brother and for the next few weeks I will be supervising you all. Now you probably were all given the rules when you signed up – "

"Hang on a minute!" interrupts Majora. "I didn't sign up for anything!"

"Yeah," agrees Malon, "I don't remember signing up either. I _do_ remember having a funny-smelling cloth clamped over my mouth and nose, but then I – "

"Enough of that," says Big Brother quickly. "The point is that to make sure you are all up to date, I will give you a reminder of the rules before you are stripped down."

"'Stripped down'?" asks Midna warily.

"More on that later," says Big Brother. "Now then, here are the rules: You all will spend the next few weeks living together in this house. You will be given various tasks to complete. Rewards and punishments will be given based on performance. You will also be given supplies such as groceries and toiletries to help you with the household chores, which you will divide amongst yourselves. You can decide on that later. Every day there will be Confession Camera, during which you will enter the Confession Room and speak into the camera. There will also be regular cameras in the other rooms, monitoring you."

"If there are cameras everywhere, why do we have to go into a specific room for confessions?" asks Zelda.

Big Brother hushes her and continues. "Every Wednesday, you will each nominate two evictees during Confession Cam. At the end of the day, votes will be tallied and the one with the most votes is evicted. The last person in the house is the winner. Any questions?"

Navi raises her hand. "What is the prize for winning, exactly?"

"Prizes may include five thousand dollars cash – or rupees, whichever is preferred – weapons upgrades, a Nintendo "party for ten fun pack", an expense-free trip to the Florida Keyes, ten thousand dollars worth of Gaia Cash, and gift certificates to Max and Irma's, the Cheesecake Factory, Best Buy, Carmike Cinemas, and iTunes," Big Brother rattles off.

There is some murmuring amongst the cast, including "Wow!" or "What's the 'Cheesecake Factory'?" Ganondorf however jumps to his feet. "Just one moment!" he roars. "When I agreed to come here, I was assured that the prize would be complete and utter dominance of a kingdom of our choice."

"Look again," says Big Brother. "If you do, you'll see that your contract states that the kingdom offer falls under the category of 'Prizes _may or may not include_'". Ganondorf promptly pulls out his copy of the contract and puts on a small pair of reading glasses. He inspects the document, curses the fine print, and mutters direly about speaking to his lawyer on this.

**10:30 A.M.**

Having been debriefed, Big Brother tells them that they will now be "stripped down". It turns out not to be as bad as it sounds. Because of various lawsuit factors, the producers of Big Brother have demanded that the entire cast be stripped of any weapons on them before they start the show. Several Big Brother employees tell the cast to line up and remove their weapons when it is their turn.

**10:40 A.M.**

The stripping process is not going very well, mainly due to a large amount of lack of cooperation from Zant and Ganondorf, the latter still furious at being tricked with the contract.

"Why should I give you my trident?" he snaps at the employee trying to remove his weapons. "It is the feared Trident of Azeltheirz, carved from the bones of the demon Moragiz and forged in the fires of the volcano that birthed the dreaded dragon Trigoro."

"Sir, it clearly states in the contract that you must remove all weapons prior to entry," says the employee with an astonishing amount of patience. Ganondorf glares but much to the surprise of the others, hands over the Trident. Zelda mentally wonders if she could have prevented Ganondorf's many invasions by tricking him into signing a contract.

Ganondorf blanches and backs up as the employee approaches him with a sinister-looking device that looks like a three-pronged miniature spatula. "What is that?" he asks. He is told that the device has been designed specifically to remove Triforce pieces from bodies (_Viewers are reminded that the "Hyrule Vantage Professional Triforce Removal Kit is available through the Big Brother website_). Ganondorf looks ready to flee, but is reminded of the contract. He screws up his face, holds out his left hand, and resigns himself to fate.

Zant, meanwhile, seems loathe to part with his twin swords and blaster and nearly has to be wrestled to the ground for the employees to remove it. As he was so uncooperative, Big Brother orders the harassed employees to remove Zant's armor as well. "What?" he wails. "You…you can't! My armor…my…my soul…NOOOO!" he bursts out sobbing.

"Oh shut up and don't be such a baby," snaps Midna, who is bored and wants things to move along. Zant continues to cry and Midna finally rolls her eyes, mutters something in Twili, and snaps her fingers. Zant's armor cracks like a walnut and falls off. The Big Brother employees gather it up while Zant begins to cry anew.

**10:45 A.M.**

Navi and Majora are both checked but neither has any weapons and the process is fairly quick for them. It is only stalled by Majora, who seems to find the final "no weapons" verdict as some kind of a personal insult. "What have you got against people with no weapons? Huh? _Huh_? HUH?" he asks the employees aggressively. "Just because I DON'T HAVE A FRIGGIN' BODY doesn't mean you can go on about me NOT BEING ABLE TO CARRY POSSESSIONS!" Big Brother orders him to step aside so that someone else can have a turn or else he'll be punished. "Punished? Hah! How can you punish someone WITHOUT A BODY?" laughs Majora. Nonetheless, he moves aside.

Vaati has a silver sword, several silver boomerangs, and a magic hat taken off of him.

Ganondorf, meanwhile, has had the Triforce of Power removed and has stumbled over to the sofa, cradling his left hand and looking stunned. Despite the fact that the process was quick and nowhere near probing, he feels dirty and weirdly violated.

**10:47 A.M.**

Zelda and Link have their turn. Zelda willingly hands over her bow and arrow set, takes off the glove on her left hand, and has her Triforce of Wisdom removed. Though she doesn't put on quite as much of a show as Ganondorf did, she too feels very icky after.

Link removes the Master Sword and Hylian shield, both of which he hands to his employee. "Anything else?" the employee asks. Link removes his bow and quiver full of arrows and hands them over. "Anything else?" Link reaches into his pocket, removes his Deku Slingshot and nuts, and hands them over. "Anything else?"

**10:50 A.M.**

Malon has been "stripped" and has handed over her bow and arrows. She walks off, glad that she is not possessed by any mystical objects from the Goddesses.

Link is still being "stripped" of his weaponry. He pulls out his Bomb Bag, Hammer, Kokiri Sword (which he mainly uses as a dagger and keeps for nostalgic value), Deku Shield, Mirror Shield and the Biggoron's Sword, all of which he hands over to the employee. "Anything else?" he is asked.

**10:52 A.M.**

Link removes his boomerang, Nayru's Love, Din's Fire, Faore's Wind, Ice Wand, Fire Wand, Pegasus Boots, Candle, Spell Books, Magic Rings, Sticks, Deku Nuts, Scales, Crystals, Gauntlets, and Goron Bracelets. "Anything else?" the amazed employee asks. Link begins to remove and hand over the various bottles containing elixirs, fairies, Poes, and bugs. The employee breaks the last one, which unfortunately contains a bee that Link carried to distract enemies.

**10:56 A.M.**

Link, Midna, and the other employees scramble to capture the bee. The escapade ends when Malon jumps up, grabs the confiscated Hammer, and wallops the bee with it. She returns the hammer and sits back down as Link is once more asked "Anything else" by the poor employee (now with bee stings). Link removes several medallions, pendants, and the Phantom Hourglass and adds them to the now very large pile before nodding at the employee and allowing the Triforce of Courage to be removed from his hand.

Midna, meanwhile, has had the Fused Shields she carries removed from her (barring the helmet, which she insisted that she needed. As all three pieces were needed to actually cause damage, Big Brother allowed her to keep it). "Anything else?" asked her employee. "Just this," she said sweetly, handing him a pure black rock. The employee takes it and turns into a baboon.

**11:00 A.M.**

Pandemonium ensues as the terrified employee-turned-baboon crashes around the living room in panic. The other employees shout and scramble around madly, which does nothing to calm the baboon.

"Turn him back!" Malon screams as the baboon jumps on the sofa and races down it, crawling over her lap in the process. Big Brother agrees and threatens to force Midna to clean the mold from under the refrigerator if she does not do so at once. Midna sighs, snaps her fingers, and the baboon turns back into the employee. The baboon was hanging from the ceiling light, so it falls off of the ceiling under the sudden weight of the employee.

**11:10 A.M.**

The piece of concentrated Twilight has been confiscated from Midna and stored carefully. The ceiling light has been taken away and Big Brother makes plans to have it replaced (he nastily implies to be choosing an "Anti-Twili" brand). The former baboon employee is given the rest of the day off and the promise of a pay raise. "Whatever it is, it probably won't be enough," comments Navi.

Lunch is provided by Big Brother, in the form of sandwiches (ham and cheese, baloney, peanut butter and grape jelly, and a special "horseradish and pickle" variety), potato chips, and soda. The cast enjoys their meal, which Big Brother assures them is only arranged especially because it is the first day (and a hectic one at that). He assures them that from now on, they will be expected to take care of their own cooking and chores, which they are to divvy up after lunch.

**11:45 A.M.**

Lunch having been devoured (Zant apparently enjoyed the horseradish and pickle sandwiches immensely), the cast set about forming a chart for their daily chores. This causes a great deal of trouble. Having been brought up as a princess, Zelda does not know how to do any chores. Navi's too small for the heavy lifting needed for taking out the garbage and Majora can't lift anything at all (as he has no body, a fact that he sobs on about the entire time). Also, the fact that Link won't talk but communicates through various grunts and pointing complicates matters somewhat (and causes Ganondorf to nastily call him the "Caveman of Time" behind Link's back).

Finally, a chart of sorts is cobbled together:

_Monday – Cooking (Malon), Garbage (Zant), Bed making/room tidying (Ganondorf), Dusting (Navi)_

_Tuesday – Cooking (Zelda), Garbage (Link), Bed making/room tidying (Vaati), Dusting (Midna)_

_Wednesday – Cooking (Zant), Garbage (Malon), Bed making/room tidying (Zelda), Dusting (Majora)_

_Thursday – Cooking (Link), Garbage (Vaati), Bed making/room tidying (Malon), Dusting (Majora)_

_Friday - Cooking (Vaati), Garbage (Ganondorf), Bed making/room tidying (Midna), Dusting (Majora)_

Though no one is fully satisfied, they all decide that it is close enough. Job done, they pin the chart to the wall and go off to relax until dinner.

**1:00 P.M.**

Big Brother calls the cast together for their first Confession Cam.

"But we haven't done anything yet," points out Zelda. Big Brother replies that it doesn't matter. They just need to talk about how they feel about all that's happened so far and what they hope for the future. One by one, the cast is called into the broom closet that is the Confession Cam room.

**CONFESSION CAMERA**

_Malon_ – So far this is looking pretty easy. Most of the other cast members seem pretty wussy. I mean, Majora can't even pick stuff up! And he used to be a god…

_Zelda_ – Well, I'm certainly looking forward to this! The whole thing sounds like so much fun. And of course, I'm excited to get to know the other cast members better.

_Ganondorf_ – I can NOT believe I was tricked like that. URGH! That stupid contract! When I take over Hyrule, contractors and lawyers are the first to go!

_Link_ – Ya! Ya! Hyyyyyaaaa!!! (_It would appear that Link's apparent speech impediment will be making Confession Cam sessions fairly difficult. The Big Brother employees are currently formulating a plan for Link to participate in Confession Cam via sign language_).

_Midna_ – Heh heh, light dwellers are so funny. What? The baboon thing was just a joke. Sheesh, any idiot should be careful when handling concentrated Twilight. Honestly people…

_Navi_ – Hey! Listen! I know it looks like I'm at a size and weight disadvantage here, but I WILL DO MY BEST! Just you wait and see!

_Zant_ – This is soooo freaky…I really do think that this "Big Brother" guy is a demon. I know my lord Ganondorf doesn't think so, but then he also didn't think Link could stop the Twilight either and look at that…

_Vaati_ – I honestly cannot believe I even bothered to travel back in time to participate with these morons. I really think I can win this thing single-handedly, I really do.

_Majora_ – HA! They thought they could keep me from doing chores JUST BECAUSE I'M INSUBSTANTIAL! HAH! I _always_ pull my weight. EVEN IF I DON'T HAVE WEIGHT TO PULL! Augh… (_breaks off sobbing_)

**3:00 P.M.**

Not much activity is taking place as the cast lounge around the house. Zelda, Link, and Malon watch stupid cartoons on the TV. Ironically, _The Legend of Zelda_ cartoon series is on, much to Link's fascination. Zelda wonders if she really is such a harpish shrew and Malon is annoyed that her character was not included in the series. Navi is nowhere to be found, as she seems to hate the character of Sprite ("stupid, talentless child fairy actress…")

Ganondorf is seen in the bedroom working on some form of secret project. Little can be found out about it though, as every time a camera gets close, he gives it the Evil Eye.

**5:00 P.M**

Dinner is served early, courtesy of Malon. As she has only ever had experience with Cuccos and cows, the meal consists of roasted chicken, fresh cheese, and milk. Zant takes one bite and quickly teleports to the bathroom, where he vomits loudly. Malon is insulted until Midna explains that it's not the cook, just that Zant is physically unable to digest anything so wholesome or healthy. The rest of the cast seems to enjoy the meal and Malon blushes and looks pleased when Link goes for thirds.

**8:00 P.M.**

After cleaning up the remains of dinner and watching some evening TV, the cast decides to turn in. Big Brother bids them good night and assures them that the real tests will begin tomorrow. ("May the Goddesses help us," mutters Zelda.)

The cast chose whose beds are whose and they go through the even rituals of showering and teeth brushing. They all wish each other pleasant dreams and fall asleep, prepared for the next day.

**10:00 P.M.**

Camera 6c detects the motion of a shadowy object flying in a perfect arc across the room, followed by a thud and a snort. Apparently Ganondorf's larger-than-average nose means that he snores rather loudly and Malon, unable to stand it anymore, has tossed one of her shoes at him


	2. Week 1 Tuesday

**Week 1, Tuesday**

**6:00 A.M.**

All is quiet in the cast's bedroom, besides faint snoring and the occasional grunt in one's sleep.

**6:05 A.M.**

"What the holy - ?"

**6:07**

The cast has all literally leapt from their beds, groggy and confused. A sudden shrill ringing noise has woken them all up, except for Midna, who is still sound asleep (it appears that the Fused Shield helmet she wears impairs her hearing).

"What's going on here?" shouts Malon over the ringing.

"It figures," bellows Ganondorf. "I always get to the part of the dream where I'm _just_ about to conquer Hyrule when something interrupts me.

"That happens in real life as well," points out Zelda.

"This is Big Brother," comes the booming voice through the loudspeakers. Today, Big Brother is only just loud enough to drown out the ringing sound. "Your very first task has been prepared for you. Please get washed and dressed and then gather in the living room for further instruction.

**7:00 A.M.**

The cast have finally cleaned themselves up, brushed their teeth, and gotten dressed. By now, the ringing is intolerable and even Midna has woken up from it.

"What's going on here?" she snaps nastily. "I'm sensitive to high pitched sounds."

"Gather around everybody," calls Big Brother, sounding weirdly cheerful, all things considered. "Your task is now ready for you. As it your first, I've decided to go with something easy: alarm clocks!"

"Goddesses above," groans Navi. Vaati and Midna look mutinous and ready to turn Big Brother into a lump of salt. Malon looks confused.

"Those don't sound like chickens to me," she comments, earning a round of strange looks from the cast.

Big Brother proceeds to shout out the task: There are ten alarm clocks hidden throughout the house. Each cast member is to find one each. They may help each other to find them, but must return to the living room after finding their own. Each alarm clock has been programmed not to shut off until it is found and has a special switch on it pressed.

"Fantastic," shouts Malon. "Let's get going before we can't hear."

"What'd she say?" shouted Navi.

"I think she said 'I'm a pervert who likes to leer'," screams back Zant.

**7:30 A.M.**

The hunt is on for the hated alarm clocks. Zelda decides to search the basement. Link, ever the gentleman, follows to protect her. Malon immediately follows afterwards. She is shown muttering something inaudible as she passes Camera 5a, but the Big Brother team has stated she either said "Over my dead body you Triforce-carrying tramp" or "Oh wherever my brother, watch out for that ramp". It is left to the viewers to decide which one's correct.

**7:35 A.M.**

Cameras detect Navi flying frantically around the bedroom, searching for any alarm clocks. Her small size gives her a searching advantage, but she realizes that she has no fingers and therefore would require additional assistance to shut any clocks she finds off.

She is joined by Midna, who via violent hand gestures communicates that she does _not_ want to talk but to find and shut off the clocks, by sending them between dimensions if need be.

**8:00 A.M.**

Big Brother loudly scolds Majora, who is moping in the bathroom rather than actually searching for anything. He reminds the former deity that all cast members are required to participate in all tasks.

"How can I shut off any alarm clocks?" snarls Majora. "I DON'T HAVE A BODDDDDYYYY!!!" He ends this sentence with a wail that is quite possibly more annoying than the alarm clocks. Big Brother orders him to join Vaati and Ganndorf in searching the kitchen and sniffling, Majora heads off.

**8:30 A.M.**

Link, Zelda, and Malon are still searching the basement. Despite the fact that the Triforce pieces were removed from them, Link and Zelda still glow slightly in the dark, causing Zelda to remark, "it just goes to prove that light does not come from magical objects, but instead from your own heart." Malon gives her a murderous look.

"By the way," Zelda asks Malon, "Why did you say something about chickens earlier."

Malon seems embarrassed by this and possibly blushes (though it's hard to tell in the dark). "At my farm, we'd use the chickens' crowing to know when to wake up," she explained. "They were our alarm clocks."

"Oh," says Zelda. There is a silence and then "So you don't know what ordinary alarm clocks look like?"

"Umm, no. Don't you?"

"I didn't really wake up early, ever," says Zelda. "What?" she adds as Malon glares at her. "I was a princess!"

"So wait, if you and I don't know…" trails off Malon.

"How will we know what to look for?" finishes Zelda.

The two girls turn to Link. "Do _you_ know what an alarm clock looks like?" Malon desperately asks him. Link gives no reply, other than to back away from the rather frightening-looking women.

**9:00 A.M.**

The first alarm clock has been found! Squeezing herself under the bed, Navi finds it lodged between the backboard and wall of Vaati's bed. She quickly calls to Midna, who grabs the clock and pushes a large red button on it. Instantly, the clock is silenced.

**9:25 A.M.**

Overcome with despair, Majora has once more returned to the bathroom. He enters the bathtub to hover and discovers the second alarm clock hidden behind the shower curtain. Unable to turn it off and too proud to call for help, he flies through it, causing some bizarre internal spontaneous combustion to occur, utterly destroying the clock.

**10: 00 A.M.**

Little headway has come through the search of the kitchen. Vaati is going through the refrigerator and Ganondorf is searching the various other cabinets and possible hiding places.

"This contraption is deceptively deep," calls Vaati, crawling further and further inside the refrigerator.

"Be careful not to get locked in!" Ganondorf shouts back. Vaati apparently can't hear him, nor does he hear the muffled "click" as the door closes, shutting him inside the refrigerator.

**10:10 A.M.**

The third alarm clock has been found! Midna, in extreme agony from the shrill ringing, mutters some sort of Twili locating spell. This is technically against the rules, but no one can hear her and by now even Big Brother is becoming irritated by the sound.

Midna finds the clock on a higher shelf in one of the bedroom closets. She quickly shuts it off and then relieves her feelings by hurling it against the wall before joining Navi and Majora in the living room.

**11:00 A.M.**

Spirits are beginning to lower. There are still seven alarm clocks and no new ones have shown up. There also appears to be no sign of lunch, as it is Zelda's turn to cook and she is still searching the basement with Link and Malon. Zant is nowhere to be found (as is Vaati). Ganondorf takes a break and brings peanut butter and bread into the living room so that they can make sandwiches.

**12:00 noon**

In the basement, Link, Zelda, and Malon continue their search. Malon strays away from the group to investigate a likely looking corner and suddenly gives a little squeal of delight.

"I think I found one!" she cried, pulling it out. Sure enough, she has found the fourth alarm clock. She fumbles with it until she manages to hit the "Off" button by chance.

"Excellent work Malon!" cries Zelda. "Now you can return to the living room, I suppose."

"Yeah, I think I'll just hang around a bit longer. Help you two search a bit more," says Malon. Her eyes narrow, though it is missed in the darkness.

Zelda has by now moved off on her own to shift through some moldy boxes. Link and Malon move off to search the other side of the room. "Mind if I stick close to you Link?" asks Malon. "It's easier to see near you…'cause you glow and all…" She starts to slip closer to Link, but is interrupted by a scream from Zelda.

"LINK! THERE'S A MONSTER DOWN HERE!"

**12:25 P.M.**

Link races to where Zelda is, with Malon in hot pursuit. He goes to draw his sword, but remembers that all of his weapons were taken away. Instead, he arms himself with a loose pipe lying on the ground. The monster meanwhile has reared up, making horrid groaning noises.

Link expertly moves in for the kill and executes a perfect Jump Attack, smashing the pipe over the monster's head. It makes a loud gong like noise and the monster gives a roar.

"I think you wounded it Link!" calls Malon, as Zelda cringes and wishes she still had her bow and arrows.

"L-Link?" the monster growls.

"Great, it can understand us," says Malon.

"Link? Malon? Is that you?" asks the monster.

"You know us?" asks Malon.

The creature yanks at its head for a minute before the "head" comes off of its shoulders. The "monster" was Zant with an old iron tea kettle stuck on his head.

**12:40 P.M.**

"It was awful, just awful!" cried Zant. "I was exploring the storage closet above and the boards broke! I fell through the floor and into a pile of junk. Then I couldn't even see or hear where I was because that _thing_ –" he angrily glares at the kettle, "was stuck on my head. AUGH!" And with that, he kicks the kettle. It flies across the basement and splits in two revealing – the fifth alarm clock.

"Well done Zant! You've found your alarm clock!" cheered Zelda. "Turn it off now, quickly."

Zant fumbles with the alarm clock before crying that he can't figure out how to turn such a strange contraption off.

"Press the big red button," suggests Malon.

"Which big red button?"

"Oh for the love of…"

Zant finally has the button pointed out to him and he pushes it, silencing the clock. This cheers him considerably and he goes off to the living room, actually whistling.

**2:00 P.M.**

Two more alarm clocks have been found. Link found and disabled one in the dining room (in the china cabinet behind the large sugar bowl). Ganondorf found the other lodged in a seat cushion in the living room. By now, the noise is lessening. Vaati is still nowhere to be found.

**3:00 P.M.**

Zelda has managed to find her alarm clock, stashed in a closet under extra bed linen.

"So there's only one left," muses Navi. "I wonder where it is."

"Vaati's got to find it," added Malon. "I wonder where _he_ is."

**4:30 P.M.**

Vaati has still not shown and Zelda decides to leave to cook dinner. As she has not had much cooking experience, she needs a little extra time to prepare the food.

**4:35 P.M.**

"Hey Malon! Any idea where the leftover cheese is?" calls Zelda.

"It's on the second shelf in the refrigerator," replies Malon.

"Oh, okay. Thanks."

**4:37 P.M.**

"Why Vaati! What were you doing in the refrigerator of all places?"

"Go to hell you stupid Hylian…"

**4:40 P.M.**

It appears that when Zelda opened the refrigerator, Vaati was found. Also found was the ninth and final alarm clock, stuffed on the third shelf behind the ketchup and hollandaise. Vaati brings it out with him, shuts it off, and goes to the living room to chew out Ganondorf for not figuring out where he was earlier.

**5:30 P.M.**

Dinner is served. Vaati is still not talking to Ganondorf. "Honesty!" snaps Ganondorf. "How was I supposed to know you were locked in the refrigerator?"

"That was where I was searching!" retorts Vaati angrily. "You'd think that would be the first place you looked!"

Zelda serves her dinner and the fighting subsides, though the two continue to throw venomous glares at each other between bites. The meal is a rather simple one (mainly fish), but fairly tasty. It also seems to contain just enough mercury for Zant to be able to hold it down but not so much that the rest of the cast can't.

**7:00 P.M.**

Big Brother declares it time for Confession Cam and the cast lines up outside the closet:

_Malon_ – I sure am glad I could help Link search the basement. I really don't want him to be alone with that huss – erm I'd really hate to leave him in a bind.

_Zelda_ – I learned what an alarm clock looks like and how to cook dinner. Such a productive day! I am a bit concerned about Vaati though. Why on earth was he in that refrigerator?

_Ganondorf_ – Hmph, I can't believe Vaati's mad at me for not thinking to look in the refrigerator. Alright, I made a mistake. So what? I did warn him to be careful, but he never listens. Villains these days…

_Link_ – _Makes groaning noises and rubs his ears, which the Big Brother team takes to mean that he hate the alarm clock challenge_.

_Midna_ – That first task was _awful_. My ears are _still_ in pain! I mean, I've got sensitive ears. I can pick up a beetle scuttling a mile away! Or I used to. Those stupid clocks probably blew out my eardrums…

_Navi_ – It's times like these when I _really_ wish I had hands. Then I could do something useful, like turn on or off switches. Or play the mandolin.

_Zant_ – I can't believe I got my head stuck in a TEA KETTLE of all things. How humiliating! That's not the sort of thing that's supposed to happen to the next in line for the Twili throne. At least I was able to find my alarm clock though.

_Vaati_ – Ganondorf is so stupid! I was last seen in the refrigerator. And where does he _not_ think to look? THE REFRIGERATOR! No wonder he never is able to conquer Hyrule, with such horrendous attention to detail.

_Majora_ – I'm so glad that I was able to shut off my alarm clock DESPITE MY LACK OF PHYSICAL BEING! I guess that'll show those fleshy morons who's boss.

**8:00 P.M.**

The cast prepares for bed, still recovering from the effects of the alarm clocks.

"I certainly glad that's done," sighs Zelda as she finishes brushing her teeth.

"What'd she say?" asks Vaati.

"I think she said 'I think it's rad there was fun'," replies Malon.


	3. Week 1 Wednesday

**Week 1, Wednesday**

**8:00 A.M.**

Pots and pans bang in the kitchen, indicating that breakfast is on its way and quickly. It is Zant's turn to cook for the day, however he is sleeping in rather late and as a result a very hungry Malon and Zelda quickly throw together something to eat.

**8:25 A.M.**

Breakfast is served. Between the two of them, the girls have managed a fairly impressive meal (cheese omelet with shredded wheaties and cream). The entire cast, all extremely hungry, gather in the kitchen and devour the omelet and wheaties like the locus from the eight plague.

Camera 12a shows that Zant has still not woken up, though he appears to have somehow tied himself up with his bed sheets in his sleep.

**8:30 A.M.**

Big Brother has begun to call for Zant to wake up. There is no response.

**8:40 A.M.**

Zant has still not woken up and Zelda begins to worry that he somehow died. Big Brother threatens to set off another alarm clock unless he wakes up soon. The cast takes this threat very seriously and try to figure out a course of action to avoid any more ringing. In the end, they abandon their breakfast and go to the bedroom to try to wake Zant.

**9:00 A.M.**

For the past twenty minutes or so, the cast members have jumped on the bed, shouted, rattled drawers, banged doors, untied Zant, physically forced him to sit up, and threw him bodily to the floor.

"C'mon Zant, up and at 'em!" shouts Navi. "Do you want to go through yesterday again?"

"Yes! Wakey wakey, time for cakey!" sings Majora, earning him a round of strange looks. Still Zant sleeps onward.

"What on earth's up with him?" wonders Malon. "Do you think he really _is_ dead?"

"If more alarm clocks are set off because of this, he _will_ be dead 'cause I'll kill him," snarled Vaati, trying to lift Zant to his feet.

"Ya!" shouts Link throwing a pitcher of cold water at Zant, getting Zant, Vaati, and himself very wet in the process.

**9:10 A.M.**

"Midna, is this some weird Twili thing?" asked Malon in despair. Big Brother has told them that if Zant isn't awake in ten more minutes, the alarm clocks will be set off until he does wake up.

"I don't know!" moaned Midna. "It could possibly be…but no, I don't see how it could…"

"Could what? What do you think it might be?"

"Well," explained Midna, "Twili have a special recovery sleep cycle that they fall into if certain conditions are met. Once the conditions are fulfilled, they get a few hours and then fall asleep for three days."

"Three days? What kind of a cycle's _that_?" asks Ganondorf. "In other words, any Twili can be knocked out if certain requirements are fulfilled?"

"Well, yeah," said Midna. "It's not like we go around telling every person on the street how we fall into the sleep cycle. And it's different conditions for each Twili."

"Still sounds badly planned to me," grumbles Ganondorf.

"Hey, the only people in our dimension are the Twili. It's not like we have anything else to worry about."

"What were the conditions to activate Zant's sleep cycle?" asks Zelda.

"He has to speak the name of his worst enemy in such a way that it reverberates back to him in an echo," says Midna. "That's why I don't think this can be it. What?" she adds as Zelda, Malon, and Link look at each other.

**9:20 A.M.**

The rest of the cast and Big Brother are told about the tea kettle incident the day before. It would appear now that Zant will be missing the next few days of activities. Big Brother does not seem very pleased by this. Apparently yesterday's task didn't bring in as good ratings as the producers had hoped, so he's been under some pressure to make the show more interesting.

**11:00 A.M.**

Because Zant is completely unconscious, the cast shifts the responsibility of cooking lunch to Vaati and dinner to Ganondorf.

Navi is not very pleased. "They'll probably try to poison us!" she squeaks fearfully and zooms under a chair as Ganondorf tosses a pillow at her.

"Maybe the ratings will pick up if someone dies…" grumbles Big Brother. It appears that he has just been informed by the producers that if the show does not pick up the slack, he's in danger of being replaced with a different "Big Brother" voice.

**1:00 P.M.**

After a surprisingly delicious and death-free lunch made by Vaati (mushroom soup with saltine crackers and lemonade), the cast try to think of some way to amuse themselves. Big Brother is ominously silent and they fear that if they don't find something to do soon, he'll give them something to do.

**1:10 P.M.**

Vaati procures a pack of cards from God-knows-where and suggests that they play a card game. For the next few minutes, they argue about which game to play. Ganondorf favors War, while Malon suggests poker. Majora wails about how his lack of physical body means he can't hold the cards and can't play no matter what they choose. Navi realizes that she is just a little ball of light and therefore can't play either. She drifts sadly on top of the television to watch while Majora hovers into the bathroom to shriek about his lack of body some more.

**1:15 P.M.**

The cast has somehow agreed to play Go Fish.

"Right," says Zelda, "does everyone know how to play?"

There are nods from everyone except Ganondorf.

"You don't know how to play Go Fish?" asks Malon incredulously.

"I…erm…I don't play cards a lot, alright?" snaps Ganondorf, blushing as people stare him. The red makes an interesting color when mixed with his normally green skin. This causes the rest of the cast to watch with even more interest. Furious, Ganondorf grabs the pack of cards away from Vaati. "It doesn't sound so hard!" he shouts and throws the cards all over the floor. "There! Now I'll go get something to use as hooks!"

"Umm, Ganondorf?" asks Vaati. "That's not quite how you play Go Fish…"

**1:30 P.M.**

The cards have been collected and put back into the deck while Zelda and Vaati explain (with much cursing and arguing) about the rules of Go Fish. Ganondorf still seems a bit confused, but insists that he understands. The cards are dealt and the game begins.

Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Majora begins to sing full-force the song "Ghost Love Score". His sense of rhythm is quite astonishing and he manages to get through the whole thing quite well, sounding eerily like Tarja Turunen.

**3:00 P.M.**

Majora has gone through the entire _Once_ album (finishing with "I Wish I had an Angel") and has moved onto showtunes, including "Summer Loving", "Ten Minutes Ago", "Think of Me", and "You Can't Stop the Beat". Weirdly, he is able to alter his voice to go from the deep notes needed in "Stars" to the top notes of the aria of "The Phantom of the Opera". It is theorized by the Big Brother medical staff that Majora's lack of vocal chords lets him switch perfectly between virtually any notes. His lack of lungs also appears to give him the ability to sing notes for indefinite lengths of time, as shown when he holds the end of "It Only Takes a Moment" for a full ten minutes. ("It only taakes a mooment to be loooooooooved your whoooooole liiiiiiiifffffeee looooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggg!")

**3:30 P.M.**

The novelty of Go Fish has begun to wear thin. Link is doing the worse, owing to the fact that he can't actually ask the players for cards. Instead, he must point and pantomime what cards he wants, letting Ganondorf and Vaati pretend to misinterpret which ones he wants.

"Let me see…" says Ganondorf as Link nods towards him and holds up four fingers. "I bet…you're asking if I have any twos _twice_! Well I don't. Go Fish!"

"That's not what he was asking you idiot!" snaps Malon as Link glares at Ganondorf and draws another card.

"Tough," says Ganondorf smugly. "If he wanted something different, he should have actually _said so_."

Strangely, Midna seems to be doing the best of the group, having won three straight games.

**4:30 P.M.**

The cast are on their last game before Ganondorf leaves to go make dinner. By this point in time, they are all tired and irritable. Everyone is generally angry with Vaati and Ganondorf for constantly ganging up on Link and Malon is seething because Zelda tried to comfortingly put her arm around Link's shoulder. This causes Vaati to pretend to accuse Zelda of cheating off of Link ("Such a despicable way to look at your opponent's hand!"). Though Link does not believe this, Zelda is hurt and retreats back to her original place with tears in her eyes.

"Alright Malon," says Ganondorf, "Got any tw-hey!"

"'Tw-hey's? Nope don't have any of those," says Malon. "Go Fish."

"That wasn't what I meant to ask!" snapped Ganondorf. "Something hit me in the back of the head just now."

"Too bad," says Malon while Zelda nods unusually viciously in agreement.

Things stay relatively quiet until it is Vaati's turn. "Zelda," he says, "Do you have any – "

"Kings!" A different voice calls out.

Zelda raises her eyebrows but smiles wickedly (a rare sight for her) and says "No I do not. Go Fish."

"By the Goddesses!" snarled Vaati, "I didn't want to ask you if you had any Kings!"

"Yet you did."

"I DID NOT!"

"Hey, what do you know?" says Malon, glancing up at the clock. "Isn't it time for someone to make dinner?"

**5:00 P.M.**

Ganondorf is in the kitchen, furiously putting together dinner. For a while, the large pot of gravy and vegetables seems to be his only concern. Suddenly, he turns and grabs at something behind the condiment jars on the counter.

**5:15 P.M.**

"Got you, you little- "

"Let me go! LINK! ZELDA! HELP!"

Link, Zelda, and Malon come running to the kitchen to find Ganondorf standing by the stove with Navi clutched in his hand. He waves her through the air menacingly as he snarls.

"What's going on here? Put Navi down!" cries Zelda.

"You…little…SNEAK!" screams Ganondorf. "You ruin our game of Go Fish with your little interferences and then you _spy_ on me? AURGH!"

"Yes I did! And I'm not sorry!" squeals Navi. She gives a twist (odd, considering that she's just a ball of light) and manages to pull free of Ganondorf's grasp. She flies up to the spice rack, where Ganondorf can't reach her. "You and Vaati were ganging up on Link! That wasn't fair at all! I was getting revenge for him. And I still don't trust you. I was spying to make sure you didn't try to off us all so that when this contest was over you could get at Hyrule!"

"Is that…you really…? Argh!" sputters Ganondorf and then, to everyone's amazement, he bursts out crying.

"Ganondorf?" asks Zelda cautiously and even Link look uncomfortable.

"It's not fair at all!" sobs Ganondorf. "I thought that when we all entered this contest, it would be on equal footing and with a clean slate. I thought you all felt the same way!"

"But the Go Fish game…" said Navi, looking very distraught.

"Link's _always_ gotten the better of me!" said Ganondorf tearfully. "_ALWAYS!_ Of course when I got the chance I'd try to one-up him! Just a small victory. Just one…"

Ganondorf breaks down crying and Zelda runs over and hugs him. Finally, Navi comes down slowly. "I…I'm sorry Ganondorf," she whispers.

"It's alright," says Ganondorf in a calmer voice. "I suppose I had it coming."

After making sure that Ganondorf had sufficiently recovered, the foursome leaves the kitchen to leave him to finish dinner. Meanwhile, Big Brother considers arranging for Ganondorf to receive therapy sessions with the medical staff's psychiatrist.

**5:45 P.M.**

The cast gathers for dinner, except for Zant (who is still asleep) and Majora (who has opted to remain in the bathroom to continue his repertoire of music. As he has no stomach though, it doesn't really matter). Ganondorf has prepared a stew with tender meat and unusually tasty herbs. The entire cast praises the food and even Navi has thirds.

**6:30 P.M.**

Though Wednesdays are normally reserved for nominating evictees, Big Brother has decided to hold the nominations until Friday, when Zant will be awake. So instead of the nominations, the cast is called for Confession Cam.

_Malon_ – Stupid Zelda, snuggling up to Link like that. Like it's not obvious she does it to make me ma - umm... never mind. Ugh...

_Zelda_ – I feel so sorry for Ganondorf now. I know he tried to take over my kingdom so many times, but I really do think he has some self esteem issues that he needs help with. Maybe some sort of therapy would make him a changed man!

_Ganondorf_ – Ah, there's something cathartic about having a good cry. I feel so much better. But if anyone even DARES to bring it up, I'll rip their spleens out through their noses *_Laughs evilly_*

_Link_ – _Link rips a playing card in half, which appears to mean that he did not at all enjoy the Go Fish game_.

_Midna_ – It's times like this when I have to envy Zant's stupidity. Now he gets three days off from whatever insanity we've got to contend with. Ugh…

_Navi_ – I guess there's more than Ganondorf than I first thought.

_Zant_ – _Zant is missing from Confession Cam, as he is still asleep_.

_Vaati_ – Hmph, like I'm not allowed to mess with Link once in awhile. Of course, _he's_ allowed to foil me all of the time but _I_ can't ever fool him. Give me a break!

_Majora_ – _Majora is missing from Confession Cam. He will be punished._

**8:00 P.M.**

The cast decides to get ready for bed, only to discover the bathroom door appears to be locked.

"What gives? Open up in there!" calls Malon. There is no direct response. Malon puts her ear to the door and her jaw drops.

"What is it?" asks Zelda.

"It…it _sounds_ like _Carmen_'s 'Habanera'…"

**8:10 P.M.**

After finishing up with "525600 Minutes", Majora finally lets the cast use the bathroom. His one-person concert appears to have put him in very high spirits and he hums to himself as he glides off to the bedroom.

Big Brother also appears to be in a good mood. Ganondorf's heartfelt breakdown coupled with Majora's singing has helped secure much better ratings. Over the course of the day, microphone 6 has recorded Majora singing all the songs mentioned along with "Let My Love Open the Door", the entire _Yellow Submarine_ album, and Madonna's hit song "Like a Virgin". Plans are currently underway to add music to the a cappella singing and sell the whole thing on an album ("Big Brother's Greatest Hits: Vol 1"!)


	4. Week 1 Thursday

Apologies for the delays. Many thanks to Exeterra, for reviewing and letting me know that someone's reading this and enjoying it. *hugs*

* * *

**Week 1 – Thursday**

**7:00 A.M.**

The cast gathers in the kitchen for breakfast, sans Zant (who is now into day two of his sleep cycle). They all enjoy the scrambled eggs and toast that Link has prepared. Zelda and Navi chat happily about what the day's task might be. Suddenly, the speakers crackle to life.

"Good morning everyone, this is Big Brother! I will now announce your task for the day."

"Fantastic," mutters Midna sarcastically. She has not yet forgiven Big Brother for the alarm clocks.

"For today, you will all be asked to do something a bit more complicated, seeing as how you've all been warmed up."

"Hey wait a second! What about Zant?" shouts Malon. "_He's_ asleep! He can't just miss a task like that!"

"Yeah, it's not fair!" chimes in Navi.

Big Brother informs them that there is a secret backup plan for Zant missing the tasks. "For today though," he continues, "You will find the task in the living room. Gather in there when you have finished eating for further instructions".

"I can hardly wait," sighs Zelda.

**7:30 A.M.**

Breakfast is done and the cast moves the dishes to the sink to be washed later. Zelda reaches the living room first.

**7:32 A.M.**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

**7:33 A.M.**

The rest of the cast comes running to the living room and immediately discover why Zelda screamed. Lying on the floor, in a pool of some sort of red liquid, is a Big Brother employee with a knife sticking out of his back.

"By the Goddesses, what's going on here?" gasps Navi.

"No fair! Why aren't _we_ allowed to kill someone also?" protests Ganondorf.

"Heh heh!" laughs Big Brother. "You've just found your task for the day.

"You _killed_ someone for this task?" asks Malon, outraged.

"He couldn't really, could he?" asks Navi nervously. "It is against the law, right?"

"Maybe, maybe not…" says Big Brother in an ominous tone, causing the fairy to shake in midair. "The task for today is fairly straightforward: This employee was murdered and one of you did it!" Big Brother proceeds to explain that there are certain clues planted to lead the cast on a treasure hunt-like quest to find the identity of the "killer".

**8:00 A.M.**

The cast has set out to search for clues. Malon tastes the "blood" and decides that it's really just Strawberry Fields Jam, bringing her to the conclusion that the "killer" had to have gone to the kitchen for something. She immediately runs off. Vaati, with no other leads, follows Malon, probably hoping to piggyback whatever finds she makes.

Ganondorf is weirdly thorough examining the body, checking the angle the knife was stuck in at and how deep the blade went in.

"So we can tell that the killer was about as tall as the employee," he says. "And they weren't strong enough to get it in up to the hilt. Oy, Hero of Time! You don't happen to carry a finger print kit around with you?"

Link shakes his head and Zelda looks impressed. "Wow Ganondorf! You're really thinking this through!"

"Yeah, well I've had experience with this sort of stuff," he says earning a round of mystified looks.

Majora falls into a depressed funk and retreats to a hall closet, where he seems strangely attracted to the extra bed linens.

**9:00 A.M.**

The search of the kitchen seems fairly fruitless however Malon and Vaati keep at it. Actually, it is Malon who mainly looks, while Vaati follows her around, watching over her shoulder.

"Don't even think about it, grey boy!" she snaps after this has gone on for a while.

"What?" he asks innocently.

"You know full well what. I'm not stupid, I know you're trying to mooch off of whatever I find. Well cut it out, or I'll _lock you in the refrigerator_!"

Vaati turns pale at this (an interesting effect, as he is usually grey) and immediately backs off.

**9:10 A.M.**

Big Brother orders Majora to leave the closet and get on with the task.

"But I'm a _disembodied SPIRIT_!!!" he wails. "How can I find evidence?"

"I'm a _freaking ball of light_ and _I'm_ searching!" snaps Navi from the windowsill (the dustiest place in the room, therefore the most likely to have some sort of fingerprints).

Big Brother tells Majora that spirit or not, he must leave the closet and participate. If he doesn't, he will be punished in some way. Snarling, Majora floats straight through the closet wall and into the bedroom, where he scares the daylights out of Zelda (who is searching the dresser drawers for a possible murder weapon).

**11:00 A.M.**

The cast decides to take a break for lunch. Thus far, the murder weapon has not been found yet (though Malon has pulled out various possibilities from the cutlery drawer).

"It's got to be around here somewhere…" murmurs Navi.

"Of course," snaps Midna savagely. She has had no luck searching up the chimney (what for, no one is entirely certain) and was yelled at by Big Brother for tracking soot on the carpet.

"Hey, where's Majora?" asks Vaati. Sure enough, the sulky former deity is nowhere to be seen.

"I think I saw him floating up to the attic," said Malon. "Maybe he's still there? I'll go and check…"

"Ganondorf?" asks Zelda cautiously as Malon stands up and runs off.

"Yes?"

"What you said before, about having experience with this sort of stuff, what did you - ?"

"Oh…this and that," mutters Ganondorf looking embarrassed. All of the cast stares at him, very much interested. "Alright, I wanted to be a detective when I grew up, alright? But that wasn't really a possible major at the college I attended, so I switched to a double major in Realm Invasion and Dark Arts, with a minor in Regicide."

"I see…" mutters Navi while Zelda turns pale and edges away from Ganondorf.

Vaati appears very interested. "I actually majored in Interdimensional Travel and minored in Dark Arts, but I always was interested in Realm Invasion. What was it like?"

**11:10 A.M.**

Camera 12e detects movement at the attic rope ladder as Malon climbs up to find Majora.

"Hey spirit boy! I know you're up here! Why don't you come on down and have - OH MY GODDESSES!"

**11:12 A.M.**

Loud clattering is heard in microphone 3a as Malon practically leaps from the attic trap door straight down to the floor. "LINK! SOMEONE! HELP!" she screams as she runs to the dining room.

The rest of the panicked cast runs to Malon. Link gets there first, but can't ask her what's wrong as he doesn't talk. Instead, he gives her a reassuring hug which seems to calm her a great deal. Big Brother can be heard chuckling at this (apparently he believes that it will score some higher ratings than Majora's jello impersonation trick performed in the bathroom the night prior).

"What happened?" asks Navi when the rest of the cast gets there.

It takes a few minutes for Malon to be able to tell them. Apparently she was groping around in the dark and came across a dead human body.

"You're sure?" asks Zelda.

"Absolutely!" cries Malon. "It wasn't breathing, no pulse, nothing!"

"Was this part of the challenge?" Midna furiously asks Big Brother.

"Not at all," says Big Brother. He sounds slightly nervous and is in actuality concerned that Ganondorf, Vaati, or Majora have taken it into their heads to commit a murder of their own.

"What are we going to do," moans Malon, slumping down on the floor. "Should we call the police?"

"No," says Big Brother confidently. "I know someone better. Two someone's in fact. A private detective team."

"Are you sure we shouldn't leave this to the police?" asks Zelda faintly.

"Trust me, this is even better."

"So says the guy that let a murder happen," sighs Midna, rolling her eyes.

**1:00 P.M.**

The cast (sans Zant of course and Majora who is still MIA) are sitting on the sofa chewing their nails or pacing the floor when the doorbell rings.

Malon is there first. She opens the door to find two teenagers, a good-looking boy with his hair pulled back in a ponytail and a cute girl with long dark hair.

"Hi!" says the boy. "I'm Hajime Kindachi and this - " he indicates to the girl " - is Miyuki Nanase. I believe that someone here hired us to catch a murderer?"

"_You're_ the private detectives?" ask Midna. "You're just kids!"

"True," replies Kindaichi. "But my grandfather was a famous detective himself and I've learned many of his tricks. I swear, in the name of my grandfather Kosuke Kindaichi, I will solve this mystery!"

"Just let him get started," Miyuki advises them.

"Right this way," says Malon, taking Kindaichi's hand. Kindaichi gets a dreamy look on his face. Miyuki smacks him on the head.

**1:10 P.M.**

"This is the body then?" asks Kindaichi.

"Just like I found it," says Malon.

The cast, along with Kindaichi and Miyuki, are all in the attic. With the lights turned on, the place is surprisingly less dreary and would almost be pleasant if there wasn't a dead body in it.

Kindaichi has begun to examine the body. "That's weird," he mutters. "It looks like it's already begun decaying in places. But it also feels warm, like it just died…" He rolls the body over and gasps at the sight of a large cut in the body's chest.

"So it looks like the murder weapon is a knife then, Kindaichi-chan?" asks Miyuki.

"It _looks_ like it," murmurs Kindaichi. "But there's no blood splatters anywhere, or any signs of bleeding. It's like the body was drained dry or something…"

The cast look at each other. "Majora," they all say in unison.

**1:25 P.M.**

"So you're saying that you think the murderer is a ghostly former deity who used some weird otherworldly powers to drain the victim of blood before cutting him open?" asks Kindaichi.

The group has moved back to the living room to think. Ganondorf, surprisingly playing the part of a gracious host, has quickly whipped up tea and biscuits for everyone, so they all enjoy the snack as they brainstorm.

"That's the most idiotic idea I've ever heard of," comments Miyuki.

Malon bristles. "Then what's _you're_ idea, Miss Of-Course-I-Know-Everyone-Here-After-A-Whole-Three-Minutes?"

Kindaichi automatically dives backwards to avoid being caught between the impending catfight, however Link, being a gentleman, steps in between and the two girls back down. "What I don't get," says Kindaichi, getting back into his seat, "Is why the murderer went to the trouble to cut open the body's chest afterwards. Surely draining the blood would have done the job."

"Well, Majora is a nutter alright," admits Midna. "After Zant of course."

"Who's Zant?" asks Miyuki.

"Nevermind.

**2:00 P.M.**

The cast has begun searching for Majora, who by now looks like the number one suspect. They check out all of his favorite places, including the closet and the bathroom.

"He actually _likes_ hiding in here?" asks Kindaichi, looking in the cabinet under the sink.

"For some weird reason, yes," says Malon, tearing back the shower curtain to search in the bathtub. "Maybe it's because he doesn't have a sense of smell so the stink doesn't bother him…"

**2:05 P.M.**

A girl's shriek can be heard from the bedroom area.

"MIYUKI!" screams Kindaichi, running to her.

He finds Miyuki kneeling at the bedroom door, looking terrified. "I went to search in there," she gasps, pointing into the room, "and there was something in the one bed…and I _thought_ it was just a pile of blankets…but then it started to snarl…"

"Oh," says Midna, nonchalantly peering inside. "Has Zant started to snore again? Just shove some Kleenexes up his nose and it'll take care of that right away."

**2:30 P.M.**

Worried about the possibility of the show canceling from the murder, Big Brother decides to send in special employees with state-of-the-art spirit-catching equipment. "They'll be here any minute," he promises.

**2:40 P.M.**

The doorbell rings. This time, Link opens it.

"What in the world?" gasps Navi.

In the doorway stand four men, all in silver jumpsuits and all carrying strange looking packs on their back with connecting guns.

"Hey, hey, hey!" calls one as they enter. "Peter Venkman, Egon Spengler, Ray Stanz, and Winston Zeddemore, reporting for duty!"

"You're here to take find Majora?" asks Midna skeptically.

"Oh my Goddesses," mutters Ganondorf while Vaati looks ready to die laughing.

"Yes of course," says the man. "It's what we do."

At this, Vaati gives a loud snort of laughter.

"Hey listen buddy," says the man, "weird stuff happens all the time, stuff that can't be explained. And when it does, who you gonna call?"

"GHOST BUSTERS!" the three other men shout in unison.

"We're screwed…" mutters Ganondorf.

One of the scrawnier men, wearing glasses, has meanwhile wandered over to Midna and begins scanning her with a strange device. "Peter, Ray, Winston, look at this!" he calls excitedly. "I think this creature just might be from an alternate dimension!"

"Egon, put the toys away and show a little self control," says Peter patiently while Midna sputters ("_Creature?!?_")

The men prepare their strange devices. "Alright men!" calls Ray. "Proton packs at the ready and let's find this sucker!"

**3:15 P.M.**

The Ghost Busters have set up a good many devices in the various rooms in the hopes of finding Majora. For a long time, nothing happens and everyone begins to get very edgy.

"Are you sure we've set this all up right?" asks Winston. "If you'll remember that time in Manhattan - "

"Winston, I'm sure I've worked out all the bugs since then," says Egon.

"How certain?"

"About ninety percent…"

"'About ninety'?"

Kindaichi meanwhile has begin to chat up Zelda. He has the dreamy look in his eyes again and Miyuki shoots him venomous glances, which he is completely oblivious to.

**3:30 P.M.**

"Kyyyyyyaaaahahahahahahahh!"

"Caught him!" shouts Peter triumphantly as an unearthly shriek comes from the attic.

"The attic. Why's it always in the attic?" whimpers Egon.

The group heads up to the attic to find one of the Ghost Busters' box-like traps has closed tightly. Only a bright light inside indicates that Majora appears to have been caught.

"Alright men," says Peter. "Let's toast this sucker like - "

"Wait!" interrupts Kindaichi. "This spirit's a murder suspect. We need to interview him."

"Fine. Let him out _carefully_!" says Peter. "Not like last time."

"Peter please, last time was a freak accident," says Egon, who begins fiddling with the box. "I've made modifications and anyway, Ray's not eating any hot dogs this time."

Egon steps back and there is a bright flash of light. When the light subsides, Majora appears, sputtering and indignant. "What was that for?" he screams. "How would you like it if YOU were shoved in a tiny little box?"

"Did you kill that person?" asks Midna pointing to the body. "What?" she adds as everyone stares at her. "I'm getting tired and we'll be at this all day at this rate."

"Body? You mean my homunculus?" asks Majora.

"Your what-a-what-culous?" asks Ray.

**4:00 P.M.**

"So you see, I _had_ to help out in the challenge, but I needed a body," Majora finishes explaining. "So I decided to create a homunculus for me to possess so I could actually touch things."

"That would explain the unnatural decay and bloodless state," comments Ganondorf.

"Right. I hadn't had a chance to finish it up yet," says Majora. "I had cut open the chest to put in the life ingredients and blood substance, when I realized that I didn't have the necessary herbs to animate the inanimate. I went out to the garden to get them and they you all started screaming and going crazy and all these strange people came and it was too much so I hid up the chimney for a while!"

Majora breaks down sobbing as the guests (unused to his general weirdness) stare at him in discomfort.

"So in the end, something _was_ up the chimney!" says Midna happily.

"Majora?" asks Malon, "What did you use to cut open the homunculus?"

"Hmm? This knife I found hidden away in the linen closet," says Majora tearfully. "It's over there…"

Kindaichi picks it up. "That's weird, it's got some sort of liquid on it…" He tastes it cautiously. "It's jam!"

"It's the murder weapon!" cries Malon. She snatches it off of Kindaichi and after a few seconds of searching, finds a small note taped to the handle. "The killer is…Ganondorf!"

"Horray!" calls Navi.

"At least I killed _someone_ today," Ganondorf sighs.

**4:30 P.M.**

Kindaichi, Miyuki, and the Ghost Busters are all sent off, with fond farewells and promises to pay their rather large bills (though Kindaichi is happy to accept credit for the restaurant of his choice rather than money). Big Brother considers whether or not to yell at Majora for all the trouble he caused, but ultimately decides not to. It never was specifically stated in their contracts that they couldn't create artificial human bodies after all (plus, the appearance of Kindaichi and the Ghost Busters got record ratings for the show).

**6:00 P.M.**

After dinner, the cast is sent for Confession Cam:

_Malon_ – That Kindaichi kid was pretty nice. Not nearly as good-looking as Link though. Plus, I totally think that Miyuki girl was sweet on him. Why else did she get all PO'd over him flirting like that?

_Zelda_ – What a shock today has been! I really don't know if I can take much more of this excitement…

_Ganondorf_ – Figures that Big Brother would make me the "murderer". Hmph.

_Link_ – _Link spends his time in Confession Cam with his head cradled in his hands making groaning sounds. Evidently he has been very stressed out during the course of the day._

_Midna_ – What's the matter with Big Brother? Of all the services he could have hired, he had to go with those incompetent "Ghost Buster" guys. What, were they all his budget allowed? "Creature" my pointy foot…

_Navi_ – I kind of feel inadequate because I'm just a ball of light, so I sort of feel sorry for Majora. But really, if he tried a little harder, I'm sure he could overcome this obstacle like I do.

_Zant_ – _Zant is missing from Confession Cam, as he is still asleep_.

_Vaati_ – Goddesses above, this is ridiculous! People who make a living catching ghosts? Sci-Fi original movies have better pseudo-science!

_Majora_ – First they tell me to try to overcome my barriers, then when I try they get all up and make a big hullabaloo. WILL THEY NEVER MAKE UP THEIR MI-HINDS? *Sobs*

**8:00 P.M.**

An exhausted cast turns in for the night, making sure that Zant has a fresh supply of Kleenexes shoved up his nose before they fall asleep.


	5. Week 1 Friday

**Week 1 – Friday**

**8:00 A.M.**

It is now the third day of Zant's sleep cycle and according to Midna, he should be waking up some time that day. When exactly that will happen is, however, uncertain. Big Brother seems impatient, as he wants to get on with voting on the evictee for the week.

The rest of the cast meanwhile has been having breakfast. Link seems rather out of it (he didn't sleep very well last night), but the rest of the cast seems much better rested. Malon, Ganondorf, and Navi are all in heavy discussion about what exactly they'd do if they were running their own kingdoms.

"I'd keep things simple," says Malon. "Mostly concentrate on keeping things rural, focus on agriculture. Easier to keep things going smoothly then."

"But then what fun's that?" asks Ganondorf, waving his fork around and throwing scrambled eggs onto Vaati's lap ("Watch it, you washed out has-been!"). "Wouldn't you want to invade other lands or force people to work in the mines for you? It would keep them all on their toes!"

"And be a sure way for them to revolt," retorts Malon. She turns to Navi. "What about you?"

"I'd plant TREEEEEESSS!!!" squeals Navi happily, flying around the ceiling.

"Of course you would," says Malon as Ganondorf snorts.

**9:00 A.M.**

Zelda and Midna wash the dishes while Ganondorf takes out the nearly-overflowing garbage can. It would appear that in yesterday's excitement, Vaati forgot his turn to take out the trash.

The rest of the cast relax in the living room. Link falls asleep on the sofa, snoring gently. Camera 1a picks up a strangely vulnerable and sweet look on Malon's face as she watches him ("Isn't he so cute when he's asleep?")

**9:30 A.M.**

The dishes done, Zelda and Midna join the rest of the cast.

"So, anything come up yet?" asks Midna.

"Nothing yet," says Malon.

"Maybe we'll get the day off!" suggests Navi happily.

"Goddesses, I hope so," grumbles Ganondorf. "Yesterday was so stressful…"

"How was that stressful for you?" asks Malon.

"I didn't get to kill anyone at all!"

"But you were the murderer for the challenge," points out Navi.

"This is Big Brother!" comes the booming voice, cutting into their conversation.

"Here we go," sighs Vaati.

"What now?" asks Malon irritably.

"Your task for today should be fairly easy," says Big Brother. "Go into the dining room."

The cast enters the dining room to find… a drum set, a tambourine, three microphones, two guitars, and a keyboard.

"Okay…" mutters Malon apprehensively.

"Oh my!" cries Zelda happily. "I love music!"

"That's a very good thing," says Big Brother. "For today's task, you're all going to be in a rock band."

"Cool!" cries Navi.

"_Not_ cool!" protests Vaati. "What makes you think we can even play these instruments?"

"That doesn't matter," says Big Brother. "The point isn't to sound good it's to make a lot of noise. You're going to perform in a special area I set up in the bedroom and you're going to try to wake up Zant. You wake him up, you pass the challenge."

"Yay," says Midna sarcastically. "We might as well get started.

**10:15 A.M.**

The cast have moved to the bedroom, where they find that there is a small platform built, just big enough for the eight of them to fit onto. ("Nice to know Big Brother's sparing no expense for this," says Vaati sarcastically). The instruments are moved by Big Brother employees, who will be acting as the group's roadies.

The cast then sets into the task of figuring out who plays what instrument.

"Alright," says Zelda. "We'd better be practical about this. Navi and Majora should sing as they can't hold instruments."

There is a split second of silence before a loud "WHHHHAHAAAAATT???? WHHHAAATTT'SSS WRONG WITH THHAAAA-HAAAT???" comes from Majora. It is several minutes before he will shut up and Midna is quite frankly amazed that Zant is still asleep.

Zelda apologizes quickly and many times before Majora is pacified, but in the end they decide that Majora will be lead singer after all, because of his previously proven singing abilities. Navi has no problem being one of the backup singers, as she doesn't know how to play any instruments and doesn't feel confident enough to be lead.

"We should have a guy to be the other backup singer, to balance things out," comments Malon. All eyes turn to Vaati.

"NO!" he snaps. "No, no, no, never in a million years!"

"Can you do anything else? Guitar, drums, anything?" asks Midna.

Vaati sputters some more, but it appears that he can't, so he is forced to be the other backup singer.

Midna looks satisfied and calls dibs on the position of the keyboard player, for reasons known only to herself.

Link picks up a guitar and finds that he seems to have a natural talent for the instrument. Zelda tries to play the other guitar, but her sense of beat is horrid and she ultimately settles for the tambourine. Malon's sense of rhythm is much better and she takes up the other guitar, leaving Ganondorf for the drums.

**11:00 A.M.**

Majora appears to have unofficially become the group's leader and decides that they'll start with something easy. "Alright," he calls. "Let's start with 'Louie Louie'!"

"What are the words?" asks Navi.

"No one really knows," Majora replies.

**11:30 A.M.**

Things have picked up as the cast starts to fall into the roles of "rock star". For reasons unknown, Majora switches them on to Fleetwood Mac and the Supremes. Ganondorf appears to be very talented with the drums, performing tricks with the sticks.

Malon and Link handle the guitars well, though their parts are admittedly not always the most complicated.

Zelda seems to be using all of her concentration to keep the beat with the tambourine.

Midna sizzles away on the keyboard. She seems to be the best of the group, after Majora.

**12:00 Noon**

The cast is getting hungry and about ready to give up on waking Zant. Suddenly, in the middle of Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You", the form on the bed starts to shift.

"It's working!" cries Midna in jubilation.

"Quick! Keep it going!" shouts Majora. He continues to sing "And I will aways love you!"

"I will always love you. I will always love you. I will always love you. I will always love you," sing Navi and Vaati. "I, I will always love you!" (with Majora joining in the last line).

The band builds up for a dramatic ending as Majora "You darling, I love you –"

Suddenly, Zant sits up. "Ohhh, I'll always, always love youuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!" he wails passionately.

**1:00 P.M.**

Big Brother is so pleased by the performance and awakening of Zant that he gives them all a treat – fresh pizza. He provides two plain/pepperoni mediums and a small veggie supreme.

Zant eats heartily, as he has not had any meals for three days.

**2:00 P.M.**

The cast is brought to the Confession Cam room to nominate two people apiece for eviction:

_Malon_ – I want to nominate Zelda! She's always snuggling up with Link, it's sic – erm I mean the poor guy should have a little space! Oh, and I also want to nominate Zant because he threw up my dinner on Monday.

_Zelda_ – Well, I suppose I want to nominate Ganondorf. He just frightens me, the way he keeps staring at me all of the time. And Vaati, because…well he creeps me out as well…

_Ganondorf_ – I want to nominate Navi! That stupid ball of light, making me have an emotional breakdown. I also want to nominate Link. While that precious "Hero of Time"'s around, I'll never get taken seriously!

_Link_ – _Link writes down on a note card that he wants Vaati and Zant evicted. No reasons are given_.

_Midna_ – I want to nominate Zelda because quite frankly, there ain't enough room for two princesses here! I also want to nominate Zant because I hate that guy. Like I didn't get enough of him in the Twilight Realm…

_Navi_ – Listen! I want to nominate Majora. I know he's suffering a handicap with no body, but I've got no body either and you don't hear me whining twenty-four/seven! I also want to nominate Ganondorf because he manhandled me on Wednesday!

_Zant_ – Huh? Wah? Well, I guess I'll nominate Zelda and Link… I JUST WANT TO, ALRIGHT?

_Vaati_ – I'm nominating Navi for ruining our game of Go Fish on Wednesday. And Majora because…well he's too whiny.

_Majora_ – Waahhh! I'm nominating Malon, for causing such a ruckus over my homunculus yesterday. I'm also nominating Zelda for being insensitive about my inability to HOLD STUFF! *Sniff*

**4:30 P.M.**

The cast find _The Day After Tomorrow_ playing on the Sci-Fi channel and settle down to watch it. Midna and Ganondorf quickly begin to heckle it, Mystery Science Theater 3000-style.

Zant appears to have not yet properly woken up from his three-day hibernation. Every time he starts to fall back to sleep though, the other cast members scream at him until he wakes back up.

**5:00 P.M.**

Big Brother announces the top three nominees for eviction: Zelda, Zant, and Vaati.

"Whaaat?" screeches Vaati. Zelda looks troubled and Zant continues to sit on the sofa looking vaguely stoned.

**6:00 P.M.**

After a hearty dinner of mushroom and cabbage stew (courtesy of Vaati), Big Brother announces the evictee for the week.

"The cast member to leave Big Brother's House this week is…Zelda!"

There is a sigh of relief from Vaati and a smug look from Malon. Zelda looks ready to cry and Link reassuringly squeezes her shoulder.

"Thank you Link," she whispers. "I guess I still gave it my best, right?"

"I'll help you pack," suggests Midna, who appears a bit guilt stricken.

"Thank you Midna, that would be lovely…"

**8:00 P.M.**

The first eviction seems to have sobered the rest of the cast and the absence of Zelda is quite obvious. The cast discuss it as they get ready for bed (the cameras will be turned off over the weekend, to give them all a few days of privacy).

"I guess we can't really afford to get attached to each other," sighs Navi.

"But why must we be together, only to be wretched apart?" cries Majora.

"Life's full of mysteries," says Malon with a shrug.

"I'll say," says Zant. "For example, when I woke up, why did I have Kleenex shoved up my nose?"


	6. Week 2 Monday

_Cast Members_

Link – Hero of Time and wielder of the Triforce of Courage. Rescues Princess Zelda and fights evil a whole lot. Doesn't really talk much.

**Princess Zelda – Princess of Hyrule and wielder of the Triforce of Wisdom. Has a tendency to get kidnapped, but she also has sweet magic and archery skills. Evicted.**

Ganondorf – King of the Gerudos, wielder of the Triforce of Power, and the main villain in the Legend of Zelda. Spends his time trying to steal the other two Triforce parts, kidnap Zelda, or enslave Hyrule. Is always thwarted by Link.

Navi – An annoying fairy companion of Link, mostly known for her irritating phrases such as "Hello?" "Look!" or "Listen!" Kind of the Tinkerbelle to Link's Peter Pan.

Malon – A farm girl who shows up in most Legend of Zelda games. Pretty spunky and great with horses.

Midna – The ruler of the Twilight Realm. A little imp-like creature with many strange powers.

Zant – The crazy usurper of the Twilight Realm throne. Doesn't really care for Midna or Link (as both foiled his evil schemes).

Majora – Formerly a god worshiped by a now extinct civilization. Previously inhabited a mask, but was thrown from that by Link. Now is just a shadowy monster.

Vaati – A wind sorcerer from the future. He could be considered second only to Ganondorf, villainy-wise.

* * *

**Week 2, Monday**

**6:30 A.M.**

The relatively peaceful state of the house is shattered as a loud argument breaks out between Ganondorf and Big Brother. It appears that Ganondorf has been caught trying to brew a strange concoction in the bathroom sink using a mixture some potions he smuggled in, various condiments from the refrigerator, and the large quantity of lotions and hair gels that Link has brought into the house with him (it is uncertain as to how exactly Link managed to bring so many items into the house when all of the guests were permitted only two small carry-on bags each. If the strip-down session on the first day of Week One is any indication however, it would appear that Link has a talent for keeping a large number of items hidden on his person).

The argument continues to escalate as neither side agrees to yield.

"What do you mean I can't brew something in the sink?" roars Ganondorf. "Where in the contract does it say I can't? WHERE?"Big Brother angrily explains to Ganondorf that just because something is not in the contract, that does not mean that it is automatically alright for that thing to be done. "After all," Big Brother points out, "the other cast members have to use that sink also. It's just bad manners to leave it a mess."

"Hmph." snorts Ganondorf, "What do I care for manners? I'm a villain and a conqueror!"

"Nonetheless," persists Big Brother, "You simply can't. Now take that gunk out of the sink before you block it up."

This sets off Ganondorf. "GUNK? GUNK? GUNK?!?" he shrieks, sounding uncannily like Majora after a physical remark. "HOW DARE YOU CALL MY POTION 'GUNK'? I WILL HAVE VENGENCE FOR THIS! I WILL TURN YOU INTO A FROG!"

Big Brother patiently reminds Ganondorf that such an act would violate the Unnatural Transformation Claus in Section 5, Paragraph B in his contract. Ganondorf snorts again. "Fine," he snarls, his voice dangerously low and his eyes flashing dangerously. "But I will have my revenge. Just you wait and see…"

Big Brother tells him to get over it and clean out the sink.

**6:45 A.M.**

By now, the fierce exchange between Ganondorf and Big Brother have caused the rest of the cast to awaken much earlier than they would like. They gather sleepily in the doorway to see what the commotion is.

"That's what this is all about?" snarls Midna furiously when they are told the story. "All that racket because you suddenly got a bug up your butt to brew a potion in the bathroom sink?"

"What sort of potion was it, my Lord Ganondorf?" asks Zant eagerly.

Ganondorf smiles superiorly at Zant, a nauseating look. "Well Zant," he says, trying (and failing) to sound humble, "it's a tricky little one that, if successful, would have given off the smell of rotting corpses and eggs, which would have annihilated all invertebrates and insects within a twelve-mile radius.""That's horrible!" squeals Navi.

"That's stupid!" snaps Midna. "Why in the vast land that is Hyrule did you decide that you just had to brew such a potion? And why was it needed at six-thirty in the morning?"

"Don't you listen to her," says Zant confidently. "That sounds like a wonderfully clever potion to try."

"Thank you Zant," says Ganondorf as Midna rolls her eyes. "It takes a clever person to recognize such greatness."

**6:50 A.M.**

The cast try to decide whether it's worth it to go back to bed or not. In the end, it gets split about 50-50. Midna, and Vaati return to bed while Navi, Zant, and Ganondorf are too wide awake to bother (Link has remained asleep the entire time, missing the entire fiasco). Malon also wishes to return to bed, but remembers that it is her turn to cook breakfast so it does not make as much sense to sleep in a whole ten minutes.

Big Brother, taking pity on Malon and worrying that she might burn down the house by mistake in her sleepy state, tells her to get a bit more sleep and orders Ganondorf to take her place cooking. After all, it is his fault she (and the rest of the cast) was awakened so early.

Ganondorf does not take this decision well and looks mutinous. He finally agrees, on the condition that Malon take his place tidying the bedroom that day. Satisfied, Ganondorf leaves to fix breakfast.

**7:30 A.M.**

Big Brother allows the cast an additional half hour to sleep in, before having them wake up and come to breakfast. Zant takes one look at the delicious-looking plates of toast, kippers, and porridge and retches violently. He quickly leaves the dining room before vomiting sets in.

The rest of the cast enjoys the breakfast. Ganondorf is in a sour mood throughout the whole meal. It appears that in a further form of punishment, Big Brother had forced him to wear a pink flowered apron while fixing the food.

**8:00 A.M.**

As agreed, Malon leaves to fix up the bedroom after breakfast.

Link goes outside to wander in the garden. Camera 6a shows him picking up rocks and pulling up weeds, looking mildly disappointed to find nothing underneath them. Apparently, old habits die hard.

**8:05 A.M.**

Midna and Navi begin swapping stories about their times serving as Link's Annoying Sidekick.

"I have to admit, it was pretty fun for awhile," says Midna. "Nothing to do except turn him into a wolf and back and once in a while smash up some Twili monsters. But I really did miss my original form and I wanted to get back to ruling my kingdom. How about you?"

"I thought I'd be the only fairy in the woods without a Korkiri child to look after!" says Navi. "All the other fairies laughed at me and said I was way too annoying to ever get one. 'Listen!' I told them. 'Someday I'll get a child. You just wait and see. Hello?' And sure enough, I did!"

Malon meanwhile has found that somehow, Vaati and Zant's bed sheets got tied together across Link's bed in a square knot.

**10:00 A.M.**

Malon, chores done, goes outside to join Link in the garden.

"It really is beautiful here, isn't it?" she sighs. "The flowers, the trees, it reminds me of the ranch. Doesn't it remind you of that?"

Link looks at her and nods slowly. Malon sits down with her back to the tree. "I love the ranch a lot, but I really get lonely there sometimes, you know? It's hard to run the place all by myself, with just the cows and horses…"

Malon closes her eyes and feels Link sitting down next to her. "Aw, that's sweet of you," she says. "You know, when this is over…this game show…we could go back to the ranch. Just the two of us together. Because I love you!" she says, throwing her arms around the man sitting next to her. "I love you so much!"

"Umm…thanks?"

Malon opens her eyes and finds that "Link" was really Zant who was sitting next to her, with the real Link nowhere to be seen. "What are you doing?!?" she shrieks.

"I saw you just sitting there…and I came out to see what was up…" squeaks Zant, terrified at her furious expression.

"And you just thought you'd sit next to me and listen in on my conversation? DID YOU?"

"I wanted to see what would happen…"

**10:15 A.M.**

"What in the name of the Goddesses is going on in the garden?" mutters Vaati furiously.

Navi flies up to the window for a better look. "Malon's killing Zant!" she squeals.

"Really?" Midna asks, floating up to see for herself. "Excellent! I think I'll go help!"

"You stay where you're at," says Big Brother ominously. "The last thing we need is for this to go any longer."

In the garden, several employees break up the fight.

"HE HAD IT COMING!" screeches Malon, as one employee retrains her and another confiscates a large tree branch she was beating Zant over the head with.

"This is why I wanted to keep my armor," Zant whimpers from his hiding place in the begonias.

**10:30 A.M.**

It takes some time before Malon can be properly restrained and even longer before a shaking Zant can be extracted from the garden. Malon screams indiscriminately the whole time and there are several whole seconds of *bleep!*s as she uses a long chain of profanities, several of which have not yet even been invented (this leaves the Big Brother Censor Crew to guess which words are inappropriate, leaving even more of the conversation missed). Vaati maintains that he has nothing to do with Malon learning the futuristic swearing.

**10:35 A.M.**

Malon has calmed down, though she is still sulking. Zant looks ready to have a nervous breakdown. Big Brother orders them to separate until they are recovered and able to behave: Malon is banished to the bedroom and Zant is confined to the attic. They go to their respective rooms with some grumbling and a shocking reappearance from Majora, who was lurking around the attic himself and did not like Zant intruding on his Personal Zen Time ("Really, how is a former deity supposed to pray to himself in peace around here?")

**12:00 Noon**

Malon is allowed from the bedroom to fix lunch. Strangely, Ganondorf is nowhere to be found. Cameras 5a, 12, and 3ab have all somehow broken at the same time and Big Brother sends word for several maintenance people to go and check them out.

Zant opts to take out the garbage instead of eat, as the smell of rancid fruit peels, coffee grinds, and lord-knows-what (courtesy of Ganondorf's various secret magic practices) appeals to him more than the delicious scent of wholesome ham on rye sandwiches with a fruit salad. This does nothing to fix the tension between himself and Malon.

**12:15 P.M.**

Cameras 7a, 2d, and 12 have all stopped working. Big Brother is starting to get seriously annoyed and begins to suspect that this has something to do with the mysterious disappearance of Ganondorf. He orders the other house members to keep their eyes open for the evil monarch.

"How come we have to go on these insane hunts every day?" grumbles Midna. "Can't Big Brother ever find anything for himself?"

Big Brother tells her to shut it, he has had a stressful enough day as it is and he doesn't need her sarcasm and scorn on top of it. Midna tells him to get over it and get a better staff rather than use the cast as a cheap search party every ten minutes. Big Brother tells her to stop whining, as long as she's on the show she'll have to do something other than sit around so she might as well not be a brat about it. Midna snarls and launches a ball of Twili magic at the speaker, causing it to fizzle, shoot sparks, and start to play "La Bamba". It takes several minutes for the spell to wear off and Midna finds herself assigned to clean the toilets for the day.

**1:00 P.M.**

Navi flies into the living room to find Ganondorf sitting on the sofa, watching tv. "Ganondorf!" she squeaks. "We've been trying to find you! What were you up to?"

"Oh me?" asks Ganondorf carelessly. "Well, I was originally planning to have my revenge for Big Brother insulting my magic arts. I didn't have anything specific in mind, but I thought that I'd do something like break every camera in the house and then kill everyone on the premises. But then Doctor Who came on and I figured 'What the hey? Why go to the trouble of killing everyone when I could see the Daleks do it with an English accent?'"

Big Brother is not pleased with this and as punishment for breaking the cameras, Ganondorf is ordered to wear the flowered apron for the rest of the day. Ganondorf looks irritated, but puts it on quickly and returns to Doctor Who.

**3:00 P.M.**

Confession Cam time!

_Malon_ – Goddesses above I hate, Zant. He's so stupid. I can't believe he heard me saying…UGH!

_Ganondorf_ – Stupid Big Brother, first he insults my magic arts and now he makes me miss Doctor Who for Confession Cam.

_Link_ – _Link appears to be asleep, snoring gently. It appears that he was kept up late the previous night by Zant and Majora's antics, which included Majora singing "Old Man River" and Zant belching the harmony._

_Midna_ – Why didn't they let Malon kill Zant? C'mon, it's not like it would have been that much of a waste!

_Navi _– Hey! I'm worried about how hostile Malon's been today. Maybe it's her time of the month coming on? But Ganondorf's been pretty cranky also. Could it be his time too? Does he get a time, I wonder…?

_Zant_ – I…I'm scared…Please keep that crazy redhead away from me…

_Vaati_ – The people in this house are idiots.

_Majora_ –Can't a person perform one's daily rituals in peace around here? Huh? Just because I HAVE NO BODY doesn't mean you can just come up into my area like that!

**7:00 P.M.**

The cast gather in the living room to watch the end of the Doctor Who marathon. Navi and Malon get into an argument over which of the Doctors was the cutest before they all go to bed.

Up on the roof, Majora can just be made out. "And 'lo, he came to the one with the mask! And did possess it and stuff! And the people did dance and sing! Ya ya ya! Yeah, they did daaaaaannnccce aaaaannnd ssssssiiiiiiiing!!!! YEAH!"

**9:15 P.M.**

Loud crashing can be heard outside as Majora appears to have fallen off of the roof. How exactly he "crashed" is uncertain, as he is insubstantial. After several minutes of cursing in his native tongue, he limps inside and goes to bed as well.


	7. Week 2 Tuesday

**Week 2, Tuesday**

**7:00 A.M.**

The cast awaken to the smell of cooking ham and bacon. Technically it is Zelda's turn to fix breakfast, however as she has been evicted all of her chores have been shifted to Ganondorf. He is in a strangely good mood this morning and hums cheerfully over the stove (apparently the task of cutting up raw meat has brought back happy memories).

**7:30 A.M.**

Washed and ready, the cast gathers in the dining room for breakfast.

"Eat up!" says Ganondorf, unusually energetic. "There's plenty for everyone!"

Zant is especially pleased. The healthy foods prepared for the past few meals have meant that he hasn't had anything to eat for days. He quickly begins to shovel down the cholesterol-ridden meats.

Big Brother comes online to chat with whoever isn't trying to ignore him. At Navi's request, he reads the comics to her, finishing with _The Family Circus_ ("Mommy! Billy's mouth is building another tooth downstairs!') (_Author's note: This really was the caption for _The Family Circus_ for today. My mother wondered why my eye was twitching as I read it_). Midna groans and throws a grapefruit at the speaker. Big Brother threatens to put her on Toilet Cleaning Duty if she does that again.

**8:00 A.M.**

"Alright then!" booms Big Brother cheerfully, after breakfast is done and the dishes have been washed, "Time for the task of the day."

"Goddesses, here we go," groans Vaati.

The cast waits with baited breath to hear with the next task is, however Big Brother's speaker is ominously silent. For a few seconds, they can hear scuffling and whispered voices hissing things like "Well we _thought_ it was fixed!" and "I don't care, find one!" and "How the devil do we manage that without a winch?"

The loudspeaker finally crackles as Big Brother returns. "Unfortunately," he grumbles, "it appears that today's task is not quite ready as of yet so it'll have to be tomorrow. You may consider this free time."

"Hallelujah!" screams Zant. Big Brother tells him to shut up.

**8:15 A.M.**

The cast have gone their separate ways to relax. Ganondorf is in the bedroom. He appears to be still working on some sort of strange project but it is difficult to tell what exactly it is. Every time a camera tries to zoom in, he glares at it and the camera breaks out in static.

Vaati, as per the job chart, starts tidying the living room. He wishes to just use his magic to finish in a second, but Big Brother says that magic is cheating and doing something by hand builds character. Vaati starts to mumble something about where Big Brother can build his character but breaks off when threatened to be assigned next week's work also.

**10:00 A.M.**

Link takes a nap on the living room sofa. Camera 12c picks up Malon staring wistfully at him until Vaati snidely tells her to take a picture. Blushing furiously, Malon storms off to the garden.

**10:45 A.M.**

Vaati tries to enter the bedroom to clean that up. Ganondorf will have none of that however and a loud argument breaks out, which wakes up Link.

**11:00 A.M.**

Vaati is finally able to clean up the bedroom as Ganondorf leaves to make lunch. As he fixes the sheets on Malon's bed, he glances at the laptop Ganondorf had been typing on. He looks around quickly, makes sure he's alone, and reaches over to quietly open the laptop.

**11:05 A.M.**

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

**11:06 A.M.**

Suddenly and without warning all of the lights in the house go out.

**11:08 A.M.**

Ganondorf glances into the bedroom to find Vaati lying on the floor, his hair frizzy and his skin smoking and smelling vaguely of cooked meat.

"Why Vaati, what on earth happened?" he asks the future wind sorcerer sweetly.

"You know full well what happened," snaps Vaati. "That was a dirty trick!"

"Serves you right for snooping," says Ganondorf. He turns to leave the room. "If you're smart, you won't try that again."

**11:30 A.M.**

After much fiddling with the fuse box, Big Brother maintenance staff have managed to get the lights working again.

**11:50 A.M.**

Vaati is finally able to peel himself off of the floor.

**12:00 Noon**

The cast gather for a lunch of beef stew. Ganondorf looks smug, probably not from pride over his cooking. Vaati is not talking to him at all and threatens to give anyone who asks what happened perpetual diarrhea. The cast takes this threat seriously, as the plumbing has been acting wonky for some time now (they suspect, though they're not certain, that Ganondorf's bizarre potion-making habits have something to do with this).

**2:00 P.M.**

Big Brother sends the cast for Confession Cam:

_Malon_ – I wasn't staring at Link! Honest! I was just…well I wasn't!

_Ganondorf_ – Heh heh, serves Vaati right for prying into my personal business.

_Link_ – Yah! Hoo-yah! _Link makes random sword fighting movements which either pertain to the fighting between Ganondorf and Vaati or the trailer for the upcoming Street Fighter film he saw on tv._

_Midna_ – Can't we have two seconds of peace in this place? I can't believe I spent the whole afternoon in the basement with Majora and _Zant_ just so I didn't have to listen to the bickering!

_Navi _– What's up? I wonder what tomorrow's task is. I wonder why it wasn't ready. So many questions *_sighs_*

_Zant_ – Whee, I love hanging out with Majora. I know he's a psychotic ex-deity, but deep down I think he's really fun to hang around. We have a lot in common too!

_Vaati_ – I _WILL_ get Ganondorf back for this, I swear I will…

_Majora_ –Well, at least _some_ people still appreciate me! Zant and Midna joined me in self-worship today. Maybe they aren't so bad after all!

**3:00 P.M.**

Link takes the garbage out. As soon as he leaves, Camera 15 catches a figure lurking around near the garbage can…


	8. Week 2 Wednesday

**Week 2, Wednesday**

**8:00 A.M.**

The cast gather sleepily in the living room. None of them are in the best of moods and almost all of them were hungry. They were all kept up late when, the night prior, Majora saw fit to perform all eight fits of "The Hunting of the Snark" in a very loud voice while lodged up the chimney. They were unable to get him to stop until one of them sang the last line ("For the Snark _was_ a boo-jum, you see!") As a result, they all slept through breakfast (though as Malon pointed out, it wasn't all bad; it was Zant's turn to cook today and lord only knew what he considered "good" food to be).

**8:05 A.M.**

"This is Big Brother!" calls Big Brother cheerfully through the speakers.

"No, really?" asks Midna, with incredible sarcasm. "I thought that surely Big Brother was kidnapped in the middle of the night and the show was taken over by an imposter!"

Big Brother ignores this. "Yesterday's task is ready now. Is the whole cast here?"

A quick head count is made. "Navi seems to be missing," says Malon.

"Oh, that doesn't matter," says Big Brother carelessly. "Just go on into the backyard and you'll find your task for the day."

**8:10 A.M.**

"What in the hell…?"

**8:13 A.M.**

The cast gather in the backyard. All of them gasp with surprise and Link's jaw drops.

The backyard has been covered with a strange glass dome. Filling almost every empty bit of space appears to be…

"Navi!" cries Malon.

Sure enough, there are thousands of Navis filling the yard (the official rooster states that 4,568 is the exact number). They are all floating aimlessly around.

"How did he find so many?" wonders Midna.

"Excellent, is this target practice?" asks Zant happily.

"No it is not!" says Big Brother. "This task is fairly straightforward: Find the real Navi. She's somewhere in the mix with these imposters. You can't harm any of them though. Now have at it!"

**8:20 A.M.**

The cast begin trying to catch the real Navi with no luck. This task turns out to be even more difficult that they originally thought. It appears that the fake Navis have all been programmed to say familiar phrases like "Listen!" "Hello!" "Hey!" "Link save me!" and "It's Clobbering Time!"

"How do we tell them apart?" moans Malon.

"Isn't there some special way you can the real Navi apart Link?" asks Ganondorf.

There is several seconds of Link shaking his head frantically and making hand gestures. If there is a way, he apparently is unable to express it. Suddenly, he perks up, having apparently been struck by an idea. He runs into the garden and pulls up a large blade of whistling grass. Cupping it carefully in his hands, he blows out Saria's Song (his Ocarina was confiscated during the "Stripping Down" process on the first day).

He looks up eagerly after the last note dies out, however that does little good. At the exact same moment, every Navi turns to him and says in unison "Would you like to talk to Saria, Link?" This shrill chorus causes the rest of the cast to jump and Majora falls through the patio (in his shock, it appears that he forgot to hover just above the ground).

**8:45 A.M.**

The cast continues to search fruitlessly for the real Navi. Big Brother has now promised a reward should they succeed before noon: a free lunch provided at the expense of the producers. He urges them to hurry, before the producers find out that he's dumping more bills on their tabs. The rest of the cast does hurry, because they all are quite eager to avoid a meal cooked by Zant if they could help it (Navi had reported several days prior that Zant appeared to have left a moldy loaf of bread under a rock to "mature" in preparation for his first day of cooking).

**9:15 A.M.**

Big Brother tells off Vaati for grabbing and violently shaking several Navis.

"But the sounds…the _sounds_!" the wind sorcerer wails, clutching his head. "The words…repeated over…and over…and over…and over…she ate my HEAD!"

"Oh dear!" mutters Malon. "He's gone absolutely bonkers."

**9:25 A.M.**

Vaati has now begun wandering the yard indiscriminately, screaming abuse at the heads of lettuce and summoning tiny whirlwinds whenever he blinks.

Big Brother, worried about Vaati's mental state, orders him to be restrained and brought inside. Link hurries up to do this.

"No…the bells! The BELLS! NEVERMORE!" Vaati screams as Link approaches.

"Oh shut up!" snaps Midna, at her breaking point and furious that Vaati will be getting out of the task.

Though Link has no weapons he appears to be physically stronger than Vaati and quickly gets him in a tight wrestling hold, dragging him back into the house. The door slams shut as Link re-enters the garden, cutting off the mad cries of Vaati ("I CAN SEE THE RESTAURANT AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE!")

**9:35 A.M.**

Midna and Zant are caught on Camera 3a, tucked away in a corner of the garden and whispering with each other.

"I dunno about this," mutters Zant. "It seems like cheating to me…"

"Since when's that ever stopped you?" hisses Midna, her eyes narrowed in a hostile manner. "Do you want to wind up nuts like Vaati from all of this inane chatter?"

**9:40 A.M.**

Midna and Zant march resolutely out into the middle of the yard and stand back to back. Both have looks of great concentration on their faces.

"What're you trying?" asks Malon, however Midna just "shush!"s her.

The two recite several ancient chants in Twili along with many ritualistic random hand motions. Suddenly, the colors of everything inside the dome change colors, like a photo switching to its negative.

There is a scream as Malon suddenly turns into a small red horse. Link, with a here-we-go-again look on his face, turns into a wolf.

**9:50 A.M.**

It appears that Midna and Zant have temporarily filled the dome and backyard with Twilight and Malon and Link (the only two humans - or rather Hylians - there) have reacted to it.

"Well that was amusing, if somewhat pointless," says an unimpressed Ganondorf. "What was that supposed to do?"

"Are you that thick?" snarls Midna. "You lived in the Twilight Realm! You ought to know about this! Anything animate gives off a light aura in the Twilight and vice versa. The fake Navi have got to be mechanical or something so they won't give off an aura! Now _hurry_ before spell wears off!"

Ganondorf and Majora hurry off, followed by Link and Malon (having some trouble running on all fours). Midna and Zant remain behind to maintain the spell.

Big Brother, meanwhile, appears to be indirectly affected by the spell. The Twilight causes the cameras in the backyard to film things in reverse (much to the confusion of most viewers, though a small but devoted group of fans used video technology to play the backwards film in reverse, effectively making it play the correct way. This footage was put up on YouTube, but was promptly removed due to copyright claims from the producers of Big Brother). Besides the cameras, the microphones and Big Brother's loudspeaker also appear to be working backwards. The latter becomes apparent when Big Brother - presumably to voice his displeasure with Midna and Zant's ingenuity - is heard shouting out "Gniod uoy era tahw? Detibihorp si cigam! That pots!"

"What did he say?" asks Zant.

"Who cares?" replies Midna.

**10:00 A.M.**

Midna's plan appears to have worked splendidly. Ganondorf manages to locate the only glowing Navi just as the spell wears off and the Twilight reverts back to the Real World. Ganondorf, never taking his eyes from the prize, grabs the fairy and ringing bells signal that the task is over ("THE BELLLLLS!" wails Vaati from the window).

Link and Malon turn back into Hylians. Malon is extremely confused and freaked out, but calms down considerably when Link puts his arm around her to comfort her.

**10:30 A.M.**

Midna and Zant have been arguing with Big Brother for the free lunch. Big Brother is not so inclined to provide it, on the grounds that he feels that they cheated. Midna points out that he only specified them not being allowed to harm any of the fairies, so they weren't cheating if they didn't break any rules. Zant insists that the whole thing is Midna's fault. Midna tells Zant to shut up or be sent to oblivion.

In the end, Big Brother concedes and promises for lunch to be provided at noon.

**12:00 Noon**

As promised, Big Brother has a lunch of cold cuts, coleslaw, and fresh lemonade provided.

In the middle of lunch, Vaati comes lurching into the dining room screaming something indiscernible about George W. Bush being from the constellation Draco and Dan Brown having it right the whole time.

"By the Goddesses, he's lost his mind," groans Ganondorf.

"No!" gasps Malon. "He's become…a _conspiracy theorist_!!!"

There are cries from the cast as they realize this, except for Vaati who calmly helps himself to some chipped ham and says "Don't you know that the world really is in the middle of an electric-magnetic force field which was the secret end product of the Star Wars Defense Project? Good job of it too. May the force be with them."

**12:20 P.M.**

Big Brother has been in a state of panic for the past twenty minutes. It turns out that the programmed fairies (which were licensed by Nintendo as unreleased merchandise) came with a warning note that said that studies have proven that prolonged exposure to the annoying voice and sayings may potentially cause deep insanity. Big Brother apparently missed this note as he found it stuck to the bottom of his coffee cup.

To stall for time while Big Brother gets his act together, Malon tries to talk some sense into Vaati. "You have to look at these things logically," she says for what is possibly the millionth time. "If the Royal Family and United States Presidents were really reptiles, surely someone would have gotten some physical proof by now."

"Of course!" says Vaati passionately. "The fact that they haven't gotten any proof yet shows just how well-hidden this secret is!"

Malon resists the strong urge to whack her head against the wall (or whack Vaati's head, either way is tempting). "Vaati please. You honestly don't believe that…that the Earth's really hollow or…"

"The Earth isn't hollow," says Vaati as if it were the most obvious thing in the world (as it is).

"Of course not," says Malon, giving a sigh of relief and thinking that she finally got through.

"No, it isn't. That was just made up by the Illuminati to distract the public from the fact that aliens had just made contact with the president through a _Tide_ commercial. The _Weekly World News_ got it all down."

**12:40 P.M.**

The Big Brother medical staff has finally gotten to the house to take Vaati away for psychological treatment. He refuses to leave quietly and is first restrained, then sedated, then whacked over the head with a mallet.

Malon watches them carry Vaati off feeling very relieved. She now has an eye tic and the overwhelming urge to break the television.

**2:00 P.M.**

Malon has been confined to her room for bedrest, lest she catch the paranoia of conspiracy theory that Vaati was reeking.

Link sits in the living room, flipping through the latest issue of _Nintendo Power_.

Majora begins to amuse himself by popping up through the floor and screaming "GOTCHYA!"

**4:00 P.M.**

Big Brother decides to move the Eviction Nominations to Thursday, when Vaati will (hopefully) be in a sane frame of mind and able to participate. As a result, the rest of the crew is called in for Confession Cam.

_Malon_ – If I don't kill Vaati, it'll be a miracle. I can't believe half of the tripe he spewed at lunch! Though he did kind of make sense with the mermaid/rhinos aurous/Mattel theory…no, do _not_ want to go there!

_Ganondorf_ – I'm giving Vaati two days before he really snaps and has to be taken in for professional care. Evil tyrants don't take the same precautions these days…or in his days…whatever.

_Link_ – _Link continues to flip through _Nintendo Power_, where he apparently found a pin-up of a Zero-Suit Samus_.

_Midna_ – There was the possibility of insanity from those annoying fairies? WHAT? What's wrong with Big Brother? I guess most of this cast is insane already, but that doesn't mean I should be too!

_Navi _– Hey! Big Brother kidnapped me and put me in a room of imposters! I'm soooo freaked!!!

_Zant_ – Again, I would like to state that it was Midna's idea. The Twilight. Yes. All her idea. That is all.

_Vaati_ – _Vaati is unable to make Confession Cam as he is undergoing psychological treatment, including heavy drugs and electroshock therapy._

_Majora_ – Boo! Ha ha ha! *_hovers halfway through the floor_* Scared yet? Heh heh!

**5:00 P.M.**

Zant calls the rest of the cast in to dinner. There are many trepidations from the cast, from Navi considering making a break for it out of the window to Malon muttering "Morituri te salutamus" as she enters the dining room.

**5:10 P.M**

Dinner is served.

"Dig in everyone, before it gets away!" laughs Zant.

This warning is very much a possibility, as the dinner appears to be some sort of strange, primitive life form akin to that of a B-movie monster. The stench is reminiscent of rotting eggs and it is several minutes before anyone is brave enough to dare to taste it. Malon takes the first bite, swallows, and then races for the bathroom with her hand clamped over her mouth. As she returns, she passes Ganondorf, who is taking his own trip to pray to the Toilet Gods at the Porcelain Alter.

When everyone is back at the table, they find that Zant is more than halfway done, shoveling the meal (in the loosest sense of the word) into his mouth.

Malon goes to take another bite and notices that her serving has moved a full foot from her plate. "It's MOVING!" she shrieks.

"What? Oh that's no problem," says Zant. "Just stab the reticular nerve with your fork and it'll be paralyzed for a full ten minutes."

Besides Zant, the only one who seems to remotely enjoy the concoction is Midna, who actually seems to approve of it. "Just like my mom used to make it!" she says happily, going for thirds. "You ought to have added grated cheese though."

"I couldn't find any," explains Zant.

"That's odd, I could have sworn that there was some yesterday," gasps Ganondorf between the involuntary retching.

"Well, there wasn't any now," says Zant. "So I decided to replace the grated cheese with processed sheep's guts. I think it's an improvement."

Malon literally turns chalk white at this and leaves the table so fast that she knocks her chair over. Microphone 4ae picks her up in the bathroom, heaving over the toilet. When she is done, she goes to the bedroom, having the good sense to turn in early rather than return to the noxious food.

**5:45 P.M.**

After a dinner worthy of Fear-Factor, Ganondorf, Link, and Navi flee the room. Zant remains behind to clean up and store the leftovers while Majora tries to possess what remains into performing a one act puppet show.

Midna notices fluttering under the refrigerator. "Hey Zant!" she calls. "Look at this!"

"Well I'll be," he says. "It's a cheese wrapper."

"So there _was _cheese in there yesterday. Where did it go to?" wonders Midna.

**6:30 P.M.**

None of the cast (except for Midna and Zant) feel at all well and decide to turn in early.

**7:00 P.M.**

The quiet of the evening is marred only by the sound of heavy footsteps racing to the bathroom and the sound of heavy vomiting. Apparently not even the Hero of Time could conquer Zant's cooking and it's come back up for it's revenge.

* * *

Remember everyone, be sure to name your choices for eviction nominees! All votes will be counted. ;)


	9. Week 2 Thursday

**Week 2, Thursday**

**7:15 A.M.**

Big Brother abruptly wakes the cast with a rather startling rendition of bugle calls. He reminds them all that Vaati will be returning in time for the day's task and he wants them all ready.

**7:45 A.M.**

The cast has just tucked in to a breakfast of cold ham and eggs (apparently Link recycled some of yesterday's cold cuts) when the doorbell rings.

"I'll get it!" squeals Navi, zooming around the room. She hurls herself at the door as fast as she can. Unfortunately, she seems to have forgotten that she has no hands and can't actually answer the door. She is also going so fast that she flies straight into it. Ganondorf laughs so hard at this that orange juice comes out of his nose. Malon smacks him on the back of the head.

Link answers the door while Navi flies woozily away ("I see a bright light…it looks like my Aunt Tilly!") to see a grim-looking woman in a nurse's outfit standing on the doorstep. Beside her stands Vaati. He is in a very tight straightjacket and seems totally hammered with a goofy smile on his face.

"Are you on the cast of Big Brother's house?" asks the woman sharply. Link, freaked out, slowly nods. "Wonderful," the woman replies. "I am Nurse Ratched. I was in charge of the rehabilitation of Mr. Vaati. I can assure you that you will have no more trouble with his…behavior."

By now, the rest of the cast have caught sight of Vaati. "Umm…hey Vaati. How're you doing?" asks Malon cautiously.

"Ahh…ha ha ha…" mutters Vaati. He steps into the living room and promptly passes out.

"He'll be completely normal in an hour or so," says Nurse Ratched. "In the meantime, keep him in bed. Don't let him near any stray electric lines. And I have included a list of certain words that you must memorize and never repeat. If you do, you run the risk of him regressing back to his previous state."With that, she hands Link the list, gives a cold "Good day." and leaves.

**8:15 A.M.**

Ganondorf and Link carry Vaati to the bedroom and then return to the living room where they read to the rest of the cast the list of forbidden words:

Things Never To Say

Greys

UFO

Alien

_Weekly World News_

Elvis

Jimmy Hendrix

Paul is Dead

Hollow Earth

Reptilian HumanoidsMen in Black

Time Travel

Flux Capacitor

Area 51

Zurg the Conquestor

Krang the Conqueror

Dan Brown

David Icke

Holy Grail

Platypus

Hairless Cat

Ghostbusters

L. Ron Hubbard

Xenu

Thor

Zeus

X-Men

Elton John

**9:00 A.M.**

The cast finish their breakfast and lounge around the living room while they wait for Vaati to wake up

**9:15 A.M.**

Big Brother comes online, furiously asking which of the cast cut a large, circular hole in the fence bordering the backyard. Apparently, one has been found on the northernmost side.

"Hey, wasn't me," says Ganondorf. Malon, Zant, Midna, Navi, and Link all chime in their innocence as well (Link does this via sign language and shrieks). Majora is elsewhere (presumably humming in the space beneath the kitchen sink), but it appears unlikely that he could put a hole in anything.

"Well, it's the weirdest thing," says Big Brother. "It's very cleanly cut and we have no footage of it. All of the cameras in the area mysteriously went blank for about several hours two nights ago…"

"It's probably just someone playing a trick," says Midna, rolling her eyes.

Big Brother snorts at the attitude, but decides to drop the subject. He signs off for the moment, after promising to get the maintenance staff on fixing the fence.

**10:00 A.M.**

Vaati appears to be waking up. The cast run into the room to make sure he's alright.

"What's going on here?" he snaps as he regains consciousness. "Since when have my sleeping habits become the primary concern with you people?""At least his personality's back to normal," mutters Midna.

"How do you feel?" asks Navi anxiously.

"Like I always do. What sort of a question is that?" asks Vaati shortly.

"That's fantastic Vaati," calls Big Brother over the speakers. "You've all got a task to perform, so you'd all better gather in the living room to get it."

"Yay," sighs Malon.

**10:10 A.M.**

After some coaxing, Majora is lured out of the space beneath the sink and the entire cast has gathered in the living room.

"Right," said Big Brother. "Today's task is fairly straightforward."

"Aren't they all?" asks Midna sarcastically.

"Shut up," snaps Big Brother. "As I was saying, today's task is a talent show."

"Didn't we just do one of those?" asks Ganondorf. "With the rock band thing?"

"No, that's different," says Big Brother. Ganondorf snorts and mutters something about Big Brother exploiting them for a cheap source of income via sales of their recordings. "In any case," Big Brother continues, "at three o'clock this afternoon, you'll all be asked to perform your acts before a panel of three judges. The judges will be totally unaffiliated with the show and completely impartial. You must perform each act alone and you have until the performance to rehearse. Good luck."

"Why are we even bothering? Majora'll just out-sing us all," mutters Ganondorf as he watches the former deity float around the room looking ecstatic.

"Cheer up," replies Malon. "At least this time he's not complaining about his physical build."

**11:30 A.M.**

The cast have been in separate parts of the house and garden practicing for their acts. They take a short break for lunch, during which time Zant annoys Midna to the brink of madness trying to find out what her performance will be.

"Alright!" she snaps. "One hint: Donkeys and monkeys."

"What kind of a hint is that?" asks Zant.

"A totally irrelevant one to my act," Midna snaps and teleports to the exact opposite end of the house to continue practicing.

**3:00 P.M.**

The cast is called into the living room, where they find a makeshift state (obviously the same one used for their rock concert the week prior) set up. A CD player, several CDs, and other things needed for the acts are piled off to the side. The judge's panel (a card table) is set up to the side of the room.

The doorbell rings, announcing the arrival of the three judges. Midna floats over to the door and answers it. Standing on the doorstep are a tall black man with glasses, a pretty woman with dark hair, and a man with a sardonic look on his face.

"This is Big Brother house then?" asks the sardonic-looking man with an English accent.

"Um, yes, yes it is," says Midna.

"Excellent. I certainly hope you're not depending on your looks to get you to the top," he adds as the threesome enters.

While Midna sputters, the judges take their seats. "Alright then," says the black man. "I'm Randy Jackson."

"I'm Paula Abdul," says the woman.

"And I'm Simon Cowell," says the English man. "We're here to judge this performance, which I hope to God is not just the tripe we usually put up with."

"Charming judges. Where does Big Brother find these people?" mutters Malon as they prepare to start the show.

**3:05 P.M.**

Malon is set to go first. She pops her CD into the player and starts her performance, a song and dance routine to Christina Aguilera's hit "I'm a Genie in a Bottle". Unfortunately, the song is out of her vocal range and she looses the beat while trying to reach the higher notes. To make up for it, she performs an elaborate dance including snake-like motions with her arms. Paula and Randy seem to find this very amusing and imitate the snake-dancing.

"That rubbed me the right way," laughs Paula when the song is done.

"That was spectacular," says Simon.

"Thank you!" says Malon.

"I meant spectacularly awful."

Malon scowls at him. "Well then, let me play the WHISTLE for you!" she snarls. She pulls out a small whistle and blows on it hard. Out of nowhere, a flock of cuccos fly up and start pecking Simon, who dives under the table for protection.

"How'd she get that in here?" roars Big Brother, as security personal confiscate the whistle and shoo the cuccos out of the window. Malon is escorted back to her seat as Simon cautiously crawls out from under the table.

**3:15 P.M.**

Link gets up onto the stage and begins his rather basic act - a display of sword work. As he is not allowed an actual sword, he performs the various thrusts, lunges, and jump attacks with a broom.

"Very impressive," comments Paula.

"Wish I could flip like that," agrees Randy.

"Very good, but it would be even better without the girly shrieks," says Simon.

**3:30 P.M.**

Ganondorf gets onto the stage where he has chosen, for reasons unknown, to perform Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire". He appears to have trouble keeping up with the face pace however and winds up slurring the words. He finally gives up on using Joel's lyrics and begins to use his own, including a chorus of "Conquering land of fire! Burn and burn, 'till all is gone! Kill that land of fire! And spear the heads on a stake!"

He finishes and looks expectantly at the judges, giving them a scary look. Paula and Randy seem at a loss for words."Interesting…improvisation you've got there," mutters Simon. As Ganondorf smirks and heads back to his seat, Microphone 2a picks up Simon muttering "I'm a cynic, but I'm not suicidal."

**3:40 P.M.**

Navi floats up on the stage and begins her performance of "Land of a Thousand Dances" as she floats around wildly. Her singing's good, though the song is admittedly not the hardest (consisting mainly of "Na, na na na na, na na na na na na na, na na na, na na na na!") She finishes with an elaborate midair figure eight which causes her to crash into the microphone.

"Oh, so energetic!" says Paula.

"Love that rhythm," comments Randy.

"Must have been up all night remembering _those_ lyrics," sighs Simon.

**3:45 P.M.**

Majora floats up onto the stage and mutters something in a weird language. Suddenly, the stage turns into a boat on a small pool, with himself wearing an admiral's hat. He immediately launches into a rendition of "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General" from the musical _The Pirates of Penzance_.

The act is pulled off flawlessly and it looks, for the first half of the song, as if Majora will get the best score. Unfortunately, just as Majora is launching into the fourth verse of the song ("Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform/ And tell you ev'ry detail of Caratacus's uniform…") Midna loudly sneezes. This in and of itself wouldn't have been that much of a bother, however in trying to muffle the sneeze she accidentally squeaks out "Ashu!" instead of the regular "Achoo!" This apparently is an ancient Twili spell for matter transformation and in a second, the pool of water Majora's floating in turns into a trampoline. Still carrying momentum from the waves, it begins to bounce up and down, throwing the former deity violently and without warning through the air. Needless to say, this causes problems with his act. ("In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral/I am the very model of a modern Major – AHHHH!!!").

"I'll fix that!" shouts Zant. He valiantly leaps up and shouts something in Twili. Unfortunately, his spellwork seems fairly shoddy because of the lack of preparation and the trampoline transforms into a pool – of glue. The boat Majora's riding in splashes down, spraying glue over the entire cast, the judges, the boat, and Majora.

_Note: Just how Majora is covered in glue is uncertain, as he is insubstantial. The best given explanation by the Big Brother medical staff (who are well-taught in the physics of the spectral) is that Zant's spell has somehow caused a bond between the glue and Majora, allowing the glue to be an exception to the rule. Or the glue's just magical._

Majora is clearly furious by this turn of events, but continues onward with his song. He finishes with a flourishing "I am the very model of a MODERN MAJOR-GENERAL!"

His song is well-received by the judges.

"Ye-haw!" cries Randy.

"Gotta give him credit for sticking to his guns," cheers Paula.

"Along with everything else," adds Simon.

**3:55 P.M.**

By pure bad luck, Midna is the one chosen to go next. Majora gives her furious looks as she pulls out an electric keyboard and begins to perform "96 Tears", by ? and The Mysterians.

The performance goes smoothly. Too smoothly in fact for Majora. He suddenly leaps up and flies through the keyboard. There is the sound of popping, sparks fly, and everyone dives for cover as the keyboard explodes.

**4:05 P.M.**

Midna is trying like hell to kill Majora.

"What is your damage?" she shrieks.

"That was PAYBACK!" screams Majora, just as loudly. "You RUINED my act!"

"I SNEEZED!" screeches Midna. "IT WAS A MISTAKE! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR INSUBSTANTIAL HEAD!!!"

There is a dead silence and the room temperature seems to drop as fury visibly radiates from Majora's body. He then launches himself at Midna, screaming "DON'T TALK ABOUT MY STATE OF BEING!!!!"

Big Brother quickly brings in the show's security, who manages to separate the two. Midna is sent to the living room for a time-out. Majora is likewise banished to the attic.

"Um…shall we continue?" suggests Paula nervously.

"These people are stark raving lunatics," sighs Simon.

**4:15 P.M.**

Vaati takes the stage in a performance set to the song "Ride of the Valkyries", during which time he summons a miniature wind storm. It's impressive, but somewhat pale in comparison to the Majora/Midna fight.

"Blew me away!" says Randy.

"Seems you're very good at blowing wind then," comments Simon

**4:25 P.M.**

Zant is last to perform. He has chosen to sing along to _Consequence of Sound_, one of Regina Specktor's stranger songs and a strangely appropriate choice for him. He seems in his element in the general weirdness of the song and enjoys himself immensely. The judges on the other hand seem uncertain as to what to make of the act.

"Umm…that was good…" says Randy uncertainly.

"Lots of good feeling there," says Paula with a smile.

"My God, that was the biggest mind [censored] I've ever had," says Simon, who looks somewhat traumatized.

**4:30 P.M.**

The stage has been dismantled and the judges release the scores for the acts.

Malon – 4

Link – 6

Ganondorf – 5

Navi – 5

Majora – _Disqualified_

Midna – _Disqualified_

Vaati – 7

Zant – 6

Big Brother seems pleased by the day's results and announces that all of the contestants will be awarded "Almost America's Next Idol" certificates.

Randy, Paula, and Simon leave the house. Randy looks traumatized and Simon mutters something about needing therapy.

**5:00 P.M.**

Dinner is served. Neither Midna or Majora come to the table, as both are still sulking in their respective rooms. There isn't much conversation between the cast that is there, since everyone's mostly wiped out from the antics of the performances.

**5:45 P.M.**

Big Brother announces that it's eviction nomination time. He calls Midna and Majora from their rooms to participate.

_Malon_ – I'm nominating Vaati because the idiot nearly drove me insane yesterday with his stupid conspiracy theories. I also want to nominate Zant for…the thing that happened on Monday. Idiot…

_Ganondorf_ – I want to nominate Vaati because the gutless freak had a mental breakdown yesterday. What kind of an evil magician loses his mind over some stupid fairies? And I want to nominate Malon because she had me switch cooking duty on Monday and I had to wear the flowered apron for that.

_Link_ – _Link holds up a note card saying that he wants Majora evicted (presumably for the _Hunting of the Snark_ recitation Tuesday night) as well as Ganondorf (apparently, old rivalries die hard)_

_Midna_ – I want to nominate that STUPID idiot Majora for reasons that should be perfectly clear! *_glares at camera_* I also want to nominate Navi. Seriously, she's making all of Link's sidekicks look pathetic and annoying.

_Navi_ – Listen! I want to nominate Majora for blowing up Midna's keyboard. Anyone could see it was an accident! And I want to nominate Vaati, because he tried to hit me with a flyswatter the other day…

_Zant_ – I want to nominate Malon…she, uh, she still scares me *_looks around nervously_* Oh and I'd also like to nominate Midna for bossing me around yesterday.

_Vaati_ – I want to nominate Malon, because she keeps following Link around and staring at him. It's creepy, quite frankly. And I want to nominate Link because…well because I hate how he keeps getting the better of my evil schemes so I'm damned if I'm letting him win _this_.

_Majora_ – I'm nominating Midna for screwing up my act and Midna, for the same reason. Huh? What do you mean I can't nominate the same person twice? Fine, I'll nominate Malon because she beat up my friend Zant on Monday.

**6:15 P.M.**

Big Brother has tallied the votes and is ready to announce the top three eviction nominees: "Malon, Midna, and Vaati!"

"Again?" screams Vaati.

"Figures," snarls Midna, glaring at Majora.

"What'd I ever do to anyone?" cries Malon.

Big Brother reminds viewers that they can still vote on which of these three members gets the boot. The evictee will be announced on Friday.

**7:00 P.M.**

Most of the cast is in the living room watching something stupid on TV. In the basement, they can hear guitar riffs and awful singing. It's chalked up to some weird thing Zant's doing. Malon leaves the living room to go tell Zant to shut up.

**7:30 P.M.**

There is a loud crash in the basement and the sound of Malon heading into the bedroom. Vaati is asked to go check on Zant.

**7:35 P.M.**

Vaati finds Zant in the basement, surrounded by pieces of guitar.

"What happened here?" he asks the Twili.

"Malon came down and I was trying to impress her with some guitar moves so she wouldn't threaten me anymore!"

"I see," comments Vaati. "And what, you busted your guitar up to imitate Pete Townsend?"

"No," sobs Zant. "She broke it over my head!"

**9:00 P.M.**

The cast is all in bed, sound asleep.

Big Brother security checks out a tripped alarm in the backyard. After searching yields no results, they ultimately decide it must have been a cat and leave…

* * *

Again, readers are reminded that they may vote still on who they want evicted on Friday: Malon, Midna, or Vaati. ^^

And thank you to everyone who has been reviewing. In all honesty, reviews help motivate me to write chapters faster. So keep them coming (I love knowing what readers think).


	10. Week 2 Friday

**Week 2, Friday**

**6:00 A.M.**

All is dead silent in the house, except for the occasional grunt, snorting, or Zant breaking wind (apparently the ham eaten the day prior went straight through him).

Strangely, Camera 6d picks up a shadowy humanoid form creeping through the darkness. Details are hard to make out as there is not much light and whoever it is takes great care to move so quietly not even the BB microphones pick up anything.

**6:30 A.M.**

Big Brother's microphone crackles and breaks out in a lot of static, as if it has be knocked over in some confusion. There's the sound of a door breaking open and someone shouting something indistinguishable.

"What are you doing in here? Get out!" Big Brother roars, only just being picked up by the fallen microphone. He then breaks out screaming and the microphone cuts out.

By now, the noise has awakened Ganondorf, Link, and Malon.

"Big Brother? What's going on in there?" asks Malon.

"Um, nothing. Nothing at all," calls Big Brother back. Strangely, his voice seems muffled and hard to make out. "Just a little…technical difficulty here. Yeah, that's it."

"Are you sure?" asks Ganondorf. "Sounded like there was someone else there."

"No! There's no one else here. Now go back to sleep!"

**7:30 A.M.**

"This is Big Brother!" comes the voice from the speakers. "Time to get up and…do stuff. Yeah!"

"Big Brother?" asks Midna, rubbing her eyes. "Jeez, what happened to your voice? You sound entirely different."

"Just strained my voice," is the quick reply. "I was…um…singing some opera last night and it caught up to me today. Yeah, that's it."

"_You_ sing opera?" asks Midna suspiciously, but is interrupted by Majora.

"Seriously? I was singing opera last night also! Only I hid down the bathtub drain pipe when I did it. What did you sing?"

"Erm, _Repo: The Genetic Opera_. Now everybody get up, get washed up, and go have breakfast!"

**7:45 A.M.**

The cast is beginning to suspect that something is wrong with Big Brother. Not only does he appear to have far too intimate of knowledge about the cast for a game show host, he also continuously pumps the characters for details on their various adventures, something he had never done before.

**7:47 A.M.**

Having taken his shower, Link goes into the empty bedroom, locks the door, and starts to change into his usual tunic, leggings, boots, and hat. In the middle of this, he suddenly stops and stares at the speaker in complete confusion. As does the rest of the cast (in whatever part of the house they're in).

"Is Big Brother…_hyperventilating_?" asks Ganondorf in amazement.

"Maybe he got possessed?" suggests Zant.

"I thought you thought he was a demon," Malon says.

"I still do, but demons can get possessed also. I read it in the _Weekly Wor_ - "

"Shut up!" hisses Malon (Vaati is in earshot).

**8:00 A.M.**

The cast enjoys a hasty breakfast, prepared by Vaati. He pauses several times as he fixes the meal as he hears loud hissing sounds and seems to think that the stove has somehow begun to leak gas. After checking and then listening carefully however, he discovers the cause of the sound.

"What is your problem?" he snarls at Big Brother's speaker. "Stop hissing at me!"

"Stop giving Link such a hard time!" is the snide reply.

The cast all exchange looks that clearly say "Wtf?""Vaati wasn't bothering Link," Ganondorf points out.

"You too! I've got my eye on you!" the voice from the speaker drops ominously. "Any signs of trouble from either of you and you'll be evicted!"

**9:00 A.M.**

Big Brother has been weirdly quiet for a while, but the cast are far from relaxed. Instead, they feel as if their nerves are stretched to the breaking point.

"What do you suppose is wrong with him?" whispers Navi.

"There's nothing wrong with me!" the voice booms from the speakers. "It's all in your whiny head! Shut up!"

"Link!" calls Malon from the bathroom. "I think Majora is hiding down the bathtub drain again. Can you come and help me get him out?"

Link obligingly jumps up and heads off to the bathroom.

"I think I'll come and help too," says Zant, unable to stand sitting in the living room any longer.

**9:05 A.M.**

Malon leads the two men into the bathroom and, gripping them firmly by the arm, pulls them into the shower stall.

"What gi-mph!" says Zant, as Malon quickly claps her hand over his mouth. She then closes the shower stall glass door, sealing them all in.

"Big Brother's being a paranoid moron!" she calls out to no one in particular. She is met with silence.

"Perfect," she says, satisfied that they cannot be heard."What's so perfect?" asks Zant. "It's obvious that Big Brother's gone crazy and we're stuck inside this house with him spying on us!"

"I think there's something going on with 'Big Brother'," explains Malon. "There might be an imposter in his announcement room."

"Or maybe the producers decided that he wasn't getting good enough ratings and replaced him with someone else," argues Zant.

"So suddenly? No, I doubt it. What we need is a way to get into Big Brother's room, quiet and undetected…" Malon pauses to ponder this. Suddenly, Majora shoots up from the shower stall drain, causing everyone to jump and Link to nearly put his arm through the glass.

"You mean he really _was_ in the shower stall drain?" cries Zant. "Well done Malon, now we have the perfect alibi!"

"Actually I didn't know he was there," gasps Malon. "Now listen up everyone, I've got a plan to find out what's up with 'Big Brother' here…"

Unbeknownst to them, Bathroom Camera 5e is slowly zoomed in until it has a clear shot of the four cast members' mouths moving through the glass…

**9:15 A.M.**

Ganondorf is glaring at the speakers. Every single time he's tried to say something, he is met with a loud "ZIP IT!" from Big Brother.

Midna and Navi are nervously making conversation. Navi is honestly scared of how Big Brother has been acting and even Midna is freaked out. Normally, she'd be all over him for this strange behavior but now she doesn't even make a goofy face whenever he talks.

**9:30 A.M.**

Malon, Zant, and Majora leave the bathroom. Link remains behind, slowly and deliberately combing his hair. There is again the sound of panting through the speakers.

**10:00 A.M.**

Malon, Zant, and Majora have gathered outside of the Confessions Room. They apparently suspect that there is a secret door inside that serves as an emergency escape from Big Brother's control room, should he ever have to leave quickly.

**10:05 A.M.**

The secret panel has been found!

"Okay," Malon whispers so softly that it is almost inaudible. "Majora, you know what to do…"

Majora flies to where the hidden door is and prepares to pass through. Apparently, Malon has planned for him to trip the latch as he does so to unlock the door.

**10:07 A.M.**

*_BANG!_*

**10:09 A.M.**

"Oh, my head…"

**10:13 A.M.**

Majora is floating about an inch off of the ground, very dazed. Malon and Zant are extremely puzzled. It seems that when Majora flew at the door, he somehow banged into it and ricocheted back to the floor, leaving Malon and Zant very confused (and Majora very sore).

"How did that happen?" gasps Zant. "He should be able to go through it."

"HA HA HA!" booms the speakers. "You thought you'd pull a fast one on me, didn't you? Trying to distract me with Link while you broke in? Well I've got news for you! I found out your little plan and I applied an anti-ghosting cheat to the door!"

"Where'd you figure something like that out?" howls Zant.

"I hacked _The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask_," is the smug reply. "Lots of good stuff Nintendo cut from the beta version."

"How did you figure out the plot?" asks Malon. "I made sure you couldn't hear us!"

"Malon, although you took thorough precautions in the shower against my hearing you, I could see your lips move."

"Well, it doesn't matter anyway," says Zant. "We'll have the truth any second now."

"How do you figure that?" asks Malon.

"Because I told Midna ten minutes ago to put our own plan into action.

**10:20 A.M.**

It appears that because of their Twili heritage and mutual standings in the Royal Family, Midna and Zant share a special form of ESP, which Zant used in the shower to create a back-up plan with Midna in secret.

In the living room, Midna has been taking advantage of Big Brother's attention being diverted to the Confession Room. Setting up a special Twili spell next to the living room speaker, she opens up a window in the wall that gives a direct image of the announcement room from every speaker in the house. The entire cast gasps. Sitting at the microphone is a teenage girl who – despite the fact that none of them know what he looks like – they are fairly certain is _not_ Big Brother.

**10:30 A.M.**

The jig is now up. Big Brother security has been alerted and set out to break into the announcement room. While they initially have some difficulty (the girl has locked the door and apparently blocked it with a sheet of steel), things move much quicker once they bring in a blowtorch and chisels.

**10:50 A.M.**

The girl has been pulled from the announcement room. Big Brother was apparently also found locked in the announcement room closet, with his mouth taped shut and his hands and ankles tied up. The cast have no choice but to take the security guards' word for this, as the door to the announcement room has been boarded up once more and Midna's window spell has collapsed.

**11:00 A.M.**

The security guards have officially identified the girl as Arianna Almandoz, an obsessive and utterly insane Legend of Zelda fan. Apparently she had been arrested several times prior for breaking into Nintendo buildings as well as making a total jackass of herself on the internet for lying about having found the Triforce in _The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time_. From what they could tell, she scoured the internet to find the exact location of the House, then broke in by cutting the hole in the northernmost part of the fence on Tuesday. She avoided the detection of most of the cameras by knocking them out with Camera Sleepy-Time, an unreleased Nintendo item that was designed to give off an electromagnetic pulse to temporarily shut down cameras and apparently was supposed to have been marketed to deranged stalkers ("Sneak into the house of your favorite character in seconds! Just don't sneeze!") Big Brother security makes a note to write to Nintendo about how well they store their unreleased products. Arianna was found in possession of a miniature sculpture of the Triforce, apparently intended to be a present for Link and made from the cheese she stole from the refrigerator.

She is forcefully dragged off of the House grounds as she tries to break free and run back to Link. "I really did find the Triforce!" she screams. "It's in the Temple of Light! Nintendo's hiding it! Really! LINK, MARRY ME!!!"

The Big Brother security has her shipped back to her home town and begins to look into getting a restraining order (and a psychologist for her).

**11:30 A.M.**

Big Brother (the real one) gets back on the intercom as the frazzled cast sits down to an early lunch. He is none too pleased about the events of the day (which for him involved being tied up by a teenage girl and being locked in a closet) and is very grumpy. He demands to know why the cast didn't pick up that it was an imposter from the start.

"Hey, we got it before noon! I'd say that's pretty good," says Malon.

Big Brother snorts.

"What's the matter?" asks Midna. "Upset that it took so long for you to come out of the closet?"

Big Brother doesn't talk to anyone for the next few hours and spends the time seething.

**2:00 P.M.**

"Alright," calls Big Brother. "The votes are in from the public on who officially gets the axe."

The cast, who had almost recovered from the surreal morning, find themselves squirming once more. The three eviction nominees (Malon, Midna, and Vaati) get the worst of it.

"And the evictee is…" says Big Brother dramatically, "Malon!"

There are sighs from Midna and Vaati. Malon looks torn. She seems more than ready to leave the crazy house (especially after the events of the morning), but appears devastated to have to leave Link.

"Will you visit me at the ranch after you're out also?" she tearfully asks the Hero of Time. Link blinks and then nods. Malon bursts out crying and hugs him."Aww," coos Ganondorf and Vaati. Malon glares at them, then leaves to pack her things and leave.

**5:00 P.M.**

The cast reflect on the extremely weird day over a dinner of tuna and macaroon casserole. To try to calm them down, Zant offers to fix everyone some special Twili herbal tea. Given the state of the dinner he fixed that week, unsurprisingly everyone except Midna refused.

* * *

_Author's note: No, Arianna Almandoz has never been arrested for breaking in and entering (as far as I know). Yes, she did get the LOZ community PO'd when she faked some screenshots and claimed to have found the Triforce in _Ocarina of Time_. If you've never heard of this hoax, I recommend you Google it._


	11. Week 3 Monday

Apologies for the length of time it took me to write this one. My muse wasn't striking, plus I had to chock down a bitter dose of reality in the form of an upcoming Anthropology test (oh man, wish me luck!) and a literature paper to write.

* * *

Cast Members

Link – Hero of Time and wielder of the Triforce of Courage. Rescues Princess Zelda and fights evil a whole lot. Doesn't really talk much.

**Princess Zelda – Princess of Hyrule and wielder of the Triforce of Wisdom. Has a tendency to get kidnapped, but she also has sweet magic and archery skills. Evicted.**

Ganondorf – King of the Gerudos, wielder of the Triforce of Power, and the main villain in the Legend of Zelda. Spends his time trying to steal the other two Triforce parts, kidnap Zelda, or enslave Hyrule. Is always thwarted by Link.

Navi – An annoying fairy companion of Link, mostly known for her irritating phrases such as "Hello?" "Look!" or "Listen!" Kind of the Tinkerbelle to Link's Peter Pan.

**Malon – A farm girl who shows up in most Legend of Zelda games. Pretty spunky and great with horses. Evicted.**

Midna – The ruler of the Twilight Realm. A little imp-like creature with many strange powers.

Zant – The crazy usurper of the Twilight Realm throne. Doesn't really care for Midna or Link (as both foiled his evil schemes).

Majora – Formerly a god worshiped by a now extinct civilization. Previously inhabited a mask, but was thrown from that by Link. Now is just a shadowy monster.

Vaati – A wind sorcerer from the future. He could be considered second only to Ganondorf, villainy-wise.

**Week 3, Monday**

**7:30 A.M.**

The cast is going through the task of job-juggling. Malon was supposed to cook the meals for the day, a fact which was apparently forgotten over the course of Saturday and Sunday, during which time the cast had found the secret store of Lon Lon Milk that Malon was hiding, which they promptly broke into and had a party. The upshot is that the cast awoke about ten minutes prior with splitting headaches (they got hung over from the milk?) and the realization that they forgot to give someone else the task of fixing breakfast.

Midna looks bored by the idea and Majora winds up flying off in a flood of tears, reminded once more of the fact that he cannot hold physical objects and therefore can't cook. Zant offers to make breakfast, but the idea is quickly and nearly unanimously vetoed (only Midna seems interested in this idea). Finally, Navi swoops up above the crowd, ringing shrilly.

"Listen!" she calls out. "I'll make breakfast!"

"How can you make breakfast?" snaps Vaati. "You don't have hands!"

"Watch me!" huffs Navi and flies off into the kitchen.

**7:45 A.M.**

The cast can only sit in the living room and listen in amazement as they hear ringing and muttering in the kitchen.

"This is insane," says Vaati furiously. "It's almost eight, I'm starving, I need aspirin, and we're leaving our breakfast to be made by a _fairy_? This is even dumber than the time Nintendo let Philips make those CD-i games!"

"Don't you _ever_ mention those games in my presence," snarls Ganondorf.

"What?" asks Vaati smugly. "Not my fault they couldn't even spell your name right."

Link quickly steps in between the two villains as Ganondorf stands up with a cry.

"You back down, you stupid Octorock eater," hisses Vaati.

Link turns red at this. He picks up the nearest recliner and whips it at Vaati, discus-style. Unfortunately, in his fury his aim is off and the chair hits Midna squarely on the top of her head where the Fuse Shield helmet causes it to evaporate into a puff of smoke. Though Midna appears unharmed, she is not happy at all.

"Alright you three, settle down!" she snaps, sounding weirdly like an irritated mother who's children were fighting in public. "I don't care of you two hated those games, that does not give you an excuse to throw things! And Vaati, I don't care if you're hungry, don't take it out on other people! Do you understand me?"

Midna's eyes flash dangerously and the three men nod, frightened. Zant meanwhile sits at the other side of the room. He is totally oblivious, as per usual.

**7:50 A.M.**

The tension is too much and the cast decide to give in to temptation and peek into the kitchen. They only make it as far as the dining room however, before they stop and stare, eyes bulging and mouths gaping.

The table is set with a beautiful linen cloth. Sparkling silverware gleams next to immaculate plates. Tastefully arranged on dishes are piping hot sausages, fresh fruit, muffins, pancakes, waffles, and French toast. Standing in the corner is a little Korok serenading them with a violin made out of a leaf.

"How…how did she…?" gasps Zant, even more clueless than usual.

"Hi guys!" chirps Navi, flying out of the kitchen. "Just in time! I wasn't sure if I should add croissants or if that would be too decadent. What do you think?"

**8:45 A.M.**

The cast have gotten over their shock and eaten their breakfast. Big Brother launches into a medley of show tunes until Midna tells him not to. Big Brother huffily tells her that it's been his dream to get into show business. Midna snidely comments on where _that_ dream's led him. Big Brother bursts into tears.

**10:00 A.M.**

Majora and Zant have disappeared to the basement for a bit of self-worship to Majora. They invite Midna to join them, but she assures them that she'd rather stay upstairs and engage in more pleasurable pastimes, such as gouging her kneecaps off with a screwdriver. Zant completely misses the sarcasm and invites her to join them if that doesn't work out. Apparently his newfound friendship with Majora has put Zant in a more pleasant state of mind.

**10:20 A.M.**

Seeing as it is so nice out, Ganondorf decides to take his laptop into the backyard to continue to work on this Secret Project he's been so devoted to. Not much else can be told about him at this time, as every camera he passes by mysteriously shorts out. Big Brother is not happy about this and mutters something about getting Magical Damage Coverage the next time they get the equipment insured.

**10:50 A.M.**

Camera 9a is just out of reach of Ganondorf's magic and detects Vaati wandering out into the garden. "Hello Ganondorf," he says in a way-too-careless voice. "What are you up to?"

"You know full well what I'm up to. Now leave," says Ganondorf without even bothering to look up.

"I was just curious," says Vaati. He pretends to bend down to sniff a crocus and tries to sneak a peek at the laptop screen.

Ganondorf snaps the laptop shut. "Would you like to get electrocuted again?" he asks. "I can double the voltage easily."

Vaati backs off, trying (and failing) to act nonchalant. "My," he comments, "the grass certainly is green today. The flowers are beautiful and the sky…well the sky's looking pretty overcast. Looks like rain. Maybe you should go inside…?"

"Not a chance," snarls Ganondorf, assuming it's another trick. "[censored] off!"

"No need for that sort of language," says Vaati, heading back inside. "Just trying to be helpful."

**10:55 A.M.**

A clap of thunder can be heard.

**10:56 A.M.**

"Oh [censored], no, no, NO!"

**11:01 A.M.**

A soaking wet Ganondorf races into the house with his soggy laptop under his arm. Steam rises from his head as he glares around the room, daring the cast members there (Midna, Link, Navi, and Vaati) to say a gives a smirk and gives Ganondorf a look that says quite clearly "I told you so!" He gets up and leaves before Ganondorf can react.

Link, Navi, and Midna turn their attention back to the cartoons they were watching (_The Toxic Crusaders_, followed by _Captain Planet_ and _Bibleman_).

**11:10 A.M.**

Ganondorf leaves the bathroom, having dried himself off as best he can with a towel. He goes to the living room, where Navi and Midna are in deep discussion over whether Gaia, from _Captain Planet_ looked like a Great Fairy and if it was indeed Elizabeth Taylor who was in the episode that dealt with AIDS.

Ganondorf plops down on the sofa next to Link. Link, picking up on the hostility level, quickly scoots over a few inches.

**11:25 A.M.**

In an effort to cheer Ganondorf up, Navi launches into a rendition of the hit _Little Orphan Annie_ song, "The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow!"

Midna becomes increasingly irritated by this. As Navi launches into "Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love 'ya! Tomorrow! You're always a day away!", Midna takes her leave. Camera 6ea picks her up going down to the basement. As it zooms in on her, she smacks it.

Link and Ganondorf, meanwhile, are spared after Navi realizes that it's time for her to go fix lunch.

**11:45 A.M.**

Cameras in the basement are only just picking up the forms of Majora, Zant, and Midna performing a ritual of their choosing. The basement is almost entirely pitch black, except for several flickering flames set up in tasteful patterns which, when seen from the sky, spell "Majora is da bomb!"

**11:50 A.M.**

Having finished their sacred chant ("For he's an eeeevil spiriiiiit…which nobody can deny!") the Majora-worshipers move on to animal sacrifice.

_The producers of the show _Big Brother_ wish for it to be known to the viewers that no live or real animals are provided for such scenarios. It appears that when deciding on this rule, Big Brother was forced to decide between the humane pleas of a local animal-rights group and a fat bribe from a prominent cattle, sheep, and pig ranch. Big Brother made his choice rather quickly after he woke up one morning and found a faux fur coat, stitched together to resemble his head, shoved in his bed with a note saying "Let the animals live!" For situations such as these, the crew for Big Brother provides a slab of beef or sausage, which is a fine substitute and can be recycled later in the day for dinner._

**12:15 P.M.**

The cast is called in for lunch. Navi has somehow managed to procure a full picnic-style meal, complete with watermelon, corn on the cob, little sandwiches (peanut butter and jelly), and lemonade. Zant chooses to make do with a semi-rotten apple he fishes out of the garbage ("It tastes almost like the good stuff!")

The cast, while eating, get into a discussion on how the evictions thus far have been affecting them.

"It's just…weird, you know?" asks Zant. "Like, I was so used to Zelda and Malon being here, and now they're _gone_!"

"It's easier though," points out Midna. "Less people, more room to maneuver."

"That's _heartless_!" whimpers Zant.

"Want a third opinion?" asks Midna. "Fine. Ganondorf, what do you think?"

"Me?" asks Ganondorf, a bit freaked at being put on the spot. "I think - what the hell is that noise?"

**12:30 P.M.**

The fire alarms have been set off. The crew jumps to their feet, trying to decide on flight or fight. Navi panics immediately and, while attempting to escape, flies straight into a closed window. Vaati and Midna are totally calm, pointing out that every one of them has survived considerably worse things than a fire.

The speakers crackle as Big Brother comes online. "What's wrong with you people? There's a FIRE!" he screams. Apparently he doesn't share Midna and Vaati's sentiments.

"What do you care?" asks Vaati. "Just send some of your staff down there to put it out."

"They're all out in the garden, fixing the cameras!" wails Big Brother. "Get fire extinguishers and put out the fire. NOW!"

**12:45 P.M.**

The cast has spent the better part of fifteen minutes locating the fire extinguishers, figuring out how to work them (this includes an amusing moment when Zant accidentally sprays Ganondorf in the face), and put the fire out.

The entire time, Big Brother screams at them to be careful and move quickly. Navi seems to take this as a sign that Big Brother does care about them but Midna, cynical as usual, points out that his concern for them is probably more out of self-preservation than kindness. After all, if they died, what would the producers do for the rest of the season?

**12:50 P.M.**

The sweaty and soot-covered crew head upstairs to take showers as the Big Brother maintenance team heads down to find out what caused the fire.

**1:15 P.M.**

It appears that the fire was started from the flames set up for Majora's ritual. The shadowy deity comes under fire himself from Big Brother for doing such a dangerous activity and Majora and Zant get into an argument over it.

"I thought I told you to make sure it was out!" screeches Majora.

"It _was_ out!" snaps Zant. "Anyway, how was I supposed to know that all of that cardboard down there was flammable?"

**2:00 P.M.**

Big Brother wearily announces it to be Confession Cam time.

_Ganondorf_ – I hate the rain *glares darkly at the window* At least my laptop still works. What's inside of it? None of your [censored] business!

_Link_ – _Link makes motions with his head that he wishes to leave the room and return to watching re-runs of _Static Shock_._

_Midna_ – I really don't know which is more annoying: Zant or Navi's singing. It's a tough call…

_Navi _– Hey! I really enjoyed cooking today. It was such a fun activity! Maybe I should try it more often.

_Zant_ – Why's Majora so mad at me? It wasn't my fault the basement caught on fire. _I_ didn't want it to! Really!

_Vaati_ – Heh heh, I warned Ganondorf about the rain, didn't I? But nooo, he thought he knew better.

_Majora_ – Why didn't Zant remember to put out the fire? Was it that hard to remember? Now Big Brother's mad at me. It's probably because I'm a ghooooost!!! *sobs*

**5:00 P.M.**

The cast is just sitting down to dinner when the Big Brother maintenance staff, while resetting the fire alarm, accidentally sets it off.

"OH NO!" cries Navi and flies into the window again.

* * *

_No slabs of meat were harmed in the making of this episode and no insults to animal rights groups intended. And yes, every show listed is real._


	12. Week 3 Tuesday

Apologies for the length of time it took for me to get this one up. But, my Anthro test is over (God help me when the scores come back, I only understood about half of the words on it...) and my paper is written and inspiration has come anew. Hope you enjoy this chapter. :)

* * *

**Week 3, Tuesday**

**8:00 A.M.**

Big Brother has been trying unsuccessfully to rouse the sleeping cast. Everyone had been up until three o'clock the morning prior to watch a lunar eclipse and as a result everyone is too sleepy to hear him. Also, it would appear that Midna anticipated a Big Brother awakening and, in a rare tag team effort with Zant, magically cross-wired the sound systems so that whenever they were turned on they played gentle lullabies instead of Big Brother's voice.

Big Brother finally gives up in disgust and decides to give them two more hours to sleep before he takes drastic measures. It seems that audiences don't want to watch the cast just sleeping, so the producers breathe down his neck to get them up in a timely manner each day.

**10:00 A.M.**

Big Brother begins to try once more to wake up the cast. Although he doesn't know about Midna's tampering with the sound system, he soon suspects that an alternate wake-up call is needed. He quickly flips open a secret panel in his room to reveal a Big Red Button. With a wicked grin, he pushes the button.

**10:10 A.M.**

_**HOOOONK!!!**_

**10:12**

Big Brother has been forced to use the Emergency Alarm System for the house, which is basically a shoddily repaired foghorn hooked up to the fuse box. To avoid sabotage, the cast were deliberately uninformed of its presence, and therefore Midna didn't know to enchant that either.

The good news is that the cast most of the cast seems to be awake, in the sense that they are sitting partially upright with their eyes half open. Link, who has woken up in the weirdest conditions before, simply stares at the wall without moving. Vaati groans and holds his head while Midna curses the fact that she overlooked that alarm system.

Other members of the cast take to the wake-up call with less grace. Navi is so frazzled by it that she accidentally flies into an air vent and it takes the better part of fifteen minutes to get her out. Majora jumps out of bed and through the ceiling to the attic. Zant jackknifes into an upright position screaming "NO MORE ALARM CLOCKS! NO MORE ALARM CLOCKS!"

"Good to see you're all up at least," booms Big Brother. It appears that the frequency of the vibrations caused by the alarm system have shaken and broken Midna and Zant's hard work, so the speakers work now. "Get up and do something interesting."

"What are we, your performing circus?" snaps Midna.

"You be quiet," says Big Brother severely. "I saw you go near the speakers last night. If I catch you messing with the equipment again, you're paying for the repairs!"

Midna snorts and heads to the bathroom, muttering something about where Big Brother can stick his equipment.

**11:30 A.M.**

The cast has opted to skip breakfast and go straight ahead to lunch, made today by Ganondorf. Still annoyed by the manner of awakening that they got, Ganondorf has not provided the world's best lunch: Grilled cheese and baloney sandwiches with a side of Pringles. He glares at anyone who dares to complain, but no one really seems to notice what they're eating. Link seems so dazed that he misses his mouth when taking several bites and gets mustard in his nose. Zant falls asleep at the table, which the cast is not thrilled with as Big Brother wakes him with a loud trumpet solo over the speakers ("Just making sure the thing's in tune!").

**12:00 Noon**

The cast is lounging, except for Midna and Vaati (who have chores to do). Most of them are trying to hide and take a nap.

Ganondorf feels excruciating boredom. "Hey Link!" he calls.

Link who is lying on the sofa, looks over.

"What's your favorite football team?" Ganondorf asks.

Link begins to pantomime something, but Ganondorf stops him. "No, don't mime it," he adds. "Just tell me."

Link looks confused by this. "You _can_ talk, can't you?" asks Ganondorf. "You're not actually mute or anything, right? C'mon!" he adds, as Link frantically begins gesturing some more.

By this point in time, the other cast members have heard the argument and have come to chime in.

"He's right," Vaati says. "Link hasn't spoken _once_. Not on any of his adventures. What's up with that?"

"Why shouldn't he talk if he doesn't want to?" asks Navi.

"It's weird!" replies Majora.

"Yeah, you should know," mutters Midna sarcastically.

"C'mon Link, say something for us!" begs Zant.

"Yeah Link!" the rest of the cast starts chiming in. Link looks frantically around, but everyone says the same thing: "Just one word!"

"C'mon, it won't kill you!"

"Please? Pretty please?"

"Why so silent? You remind me of my father…"

"One word?"

"…and I _hate_ my father!"

"Please, please, please, please, please, plea –"

"ALL [censored] RIGHT ALREADY!"

**12:10 P.M.**

The cast stand, united in mute shock. They don't say a word because quite frankly, they don't know what to say.

"Was that a…hallucination?" asks Navi softly.

"But…I saw his mouth move…" says Zant, looking amazed.

_Link has spoken!_

"Yes!" snapped Link. "Yes, I [censored] spoke. You caught me. You [censored] got me good. Ha ha ha! Isn't that funny?"

His voice begins to rise and get more hysterical as he winds up. "So what if I DIDN'T WANT TO [censored] SPEAK? Did it ever occur to you people that maybe there was a [censored] _reason_ I wasn't speaking? Like maybe I took a [censored] vow of [censored] silence? Or I was trying to make a [censored] political statement? But nooo, if I'm the hero of Hyrule, of course I couldn't have any [censored] political affiliations, could I?"

Link rounds to Ganondorf. "And you! You stupid piece of [censored]! What the [censored] _wrong_ with you? You haven't left me the hell alone since this started? What was that [censored] about 'starting with a clean slate'? What a load of [censored]! "

He rounds on the cast as a whole. "And to the rest of you, [censored] you all! I put my life on the [censored] line, every other week, saving your ungrateful [censored] butts and what do I get? You all refusing to respect my [censored] right to [censored] silence! What's _wrong_ with you people? Did you all grow up in barns living off of horse [censored]? Well [censored] you! [Censored] you all to hell you [censored] freaks and [censored] [censored] to those [censored], along with those goddamned [censored]!!!"

There is a pause, as Link breathes a bit more deeply and seems to calm down. He looks around the room, a bit more embarrassed. "Um… sorry about that…" he mutters. "I'll just…go lie down for a second…"

He heads off to the bedroom, leaving the living room so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

_Later investigation revealed that the rant that Link indulged in was in fact the most heavily censored piece that the TV station that hosted Big Brother ever had. Even months after, fans on the internet spent hours lip reading and trying to figure out exactly what it was that Link said. Unfortunately, it seems that this quest won't be solved any time soon, however the rant has come to be appreciated as a work of profane wonder, as summed up best by a fan under the username "Inle Rambaldi": I never heard [censored] used in that context before. Link 4 teh win!!!_

**2:00 P.M.**

Big Brother, weirdly unaffected by Link's rant several hours prior as well as the shocked silence that has gripped the cast ever since. He declares it Confession Cam time.

_Ganondorf_ – After all those years, who knew? If Link could talk all this time, why didn't he? It's a puzzlement…

_Link_ – Ugh, Goddesses, I'm sorry I yelled like that, okay? Really, I just…I just wish they'd mind their own [censored] business, that's all…

_Midna_ – Hooooooooly Twilight. I seriously think I might need counseling…

_Navi _– I'm just glad Zelda and Malon weren't here to see this. Hello?

_Zant_ – Wow, Link seems even stranger than _I_ am. And that's saying a lot.

_Vaati_ – Houston, I think we just had a breakthrough!

_Majora_ – I can honk out the tune to "Row Row Row Your Boat" with a Kleenex! Anyone want to hear?

**4:00 P.M.**

Link has cooled down, although the cast is still adjusting to hearing his voice.

"So Link," Navi asks timidly, "If you could always talk, why didn't you?"

"Hm?" says Link. "Well, partly because I just didn't have the time. If you spend all day rescuing people, there's really no room for chit chat. And I don't think talking would have dissuaded any of the bad guys. Then I just got into the habit and stuck with it for a while."

**5:00 P.M.**

The cast sits in the living room, watching _The Live of Brian_. They come in at the part where a hermit berates Brian for causing him to break his vow of silence.

"Ha ha! That's _you_ Link!" laughs Zant, then ducks as Link throws a pillow at him.


	13. Week 3 Wednesday

**Week 3, Wednesday**

**5:30 A.M.**

In the dim light from the rising sun, Camera 12c picks up a form leaving the bedroom and heading quietly for the bathroom.

**5:36 A.M.**

"Urgh, bloody toilet. Where's the plunger?"

**5:38 A.M.**

_***Kaboom!***_

"GOD ALL-[Censored]-MIGHTY!"

**5:45 A.M.**

The cast have all been awoken by a loud explosion and the sound of Link's cry in the bathroom. The quickly throw on their various slippers and robes and run to see what's up.

They find Link standing in the bathroom, dripping wet with some strange sort of muck all over him and a plunger in his hand. There are large shards of porcelain all over the floor however the toilet is nowhere to be seen.

"What happened?" yawns Midna.

"Where did the potty go?" asks Navi.

Link answers this question by pointing to the porcelain on the floor. "I was going to use the bathroom," he said furiously, "but when I went to flush some _gunki _clogged the drain so I went to use the plunger to clear it out before everything overflowed. The next thing I know, there's the 'glug'ing sound and then the toilet exploded!"

"Maybe it didn't like what you ate?" suggests Majora, earning him a round of weird looks from the cast.

"Sounds like one of Ganondorf's potion effects," comments Vaati, as Ganondorf (who was late to wake up) comes stumbling into the bathroom.

"What happened?" the evil magician asks sleepily.

"Link just blew up the toilet trying to unplunge one of your stupid potions," snaps Midna.

"What?!?" asks Ganondorf in great dismay. "It _just_ started to mature!"

"Well it also blocked up the pipes and caused the toilet to explode," says Link irritably.

"That's impossible. The exploding I mean," explains Ganondorf. "That was _your_ fault."

"You expect me to believe that?" asks Link angrily.

"What's going on here?" asks Big Brother, coming in over the speaker system.

"Can't you see from where you're at?" asks Vaati.

"No, the camera in that bathroom seems to be broken somehow," says Big Brother. ("There's a camera in the _bathroom_?!?" shrieks Navi). "Can someone tell me what's wrong with it?"

There's a brief search of the rather tiny bathroom, before Zant triumphantly cries "Found it! It looks like it has a shard of toilet bowl impaled in it."

"Excellent!" cries Midna.

"_No_, not excellent," groans Big Brother. "Now I have to get it fixed."

"What about the toilet?" asks Link. "We need that sooner than the stupid camera, you know?"

"You should have thought about that before you blew it up," says Ganondorf nastily.

"You be quiet," snaps Big Brother. "What did I tell you about leaving potions brewing in the bathroom?"

Ganondorf snorts and glares at the speakers. "[Censored] you," he snarls as he storms off.

Link rolls his eyes. "[Censored] you too!" he calls to Ganondorf's retreating back.

"So seriously, when can you get the toilet fixed?" sighs Midna.

"I don't know, it might take a bit," says Big Brother, sounding frustrated. "Can't you go for a day without it?"

"It's Zant's turn to cook today," Link reminds him.

"I'll see who I can find."

**7:00 A.M.**

The cast eat their breakfast (peanut butter on toast, which Vaati threw together when Zant wasn't looking) in worried silence. They are all still in their pajamas and not looking very fresh, since none of them have been able to use the bathroom to wash up yet. The Big Brother Maintenance Staff is currently in the bathroom, gathering up the toilet shards and attempting to repair the camera. They are slowed by the antics of Majora, who feels the need to hide in tiny corners and shout "BOO!" at whoever comes near. Link and Ganondorf are not speaking to each other and no one is particularly happy with either at the moment.

The silence is broken as the Big Brother speakers crackle to life. "I've done it!" shouts Big Brother triumphantly. "It's perfect! I got some people to come and fix the toilet. Just within the price range needed and they can make it today!"

"Great!" cries Navi as everyone cheers. "Who's coming?"

"Oh, some small family-run business. They should be here in a few hours, so clean up and for the love of everything good and holy get dressed."

**10:00 A.M.**

The Maintenance Staff has finished in the bathroom, having successfully fixed the camera, cleaned the floor, and covered the toilet with a large plastic garbage bag. The cast has washed and dressed and are eagerly awaiting the arrival of the toilet repair-men.

The doorbell rings and Link quickly goes to answer it (having first promised Big Brother to watch his language). He opens the door and stares. "You're the plumbers?" he asks incredulously.

Standing on the doorstep are two men. One is shorter and stouter, with a red shirt and hat, blue overalls, and a bushy moustache. The other is tall and skinny with a green shirt and hat and a slightly-less-bushy moustache. The twosome walk into the house.

"It's-a me, Mario!" says the one in red.

"I'm-a Luigi," adds the one in green.

"Perfect, you're from Mario Bros. Plumbing then," calls Big Brother. "I told you what we needed over the phone."

"Okay-dokay," says Mario.

"Excellent. Link, show these two fine gentlemen to the bathroom."

**11:00 A.M.**

The Mario Bros. have been hard at work for the past hour, trying to fix the toilet. Midna for some reason finds this process hilarious and watches the whole thing. Navi also seems fascinated and the two hover in the doorway.

The brothers remove the toilet and peer down the pipes to try to see where the explosion came from. Luigi bravely reaches down insisting "Luigi is not afraid!"

**11:05 A.M.**

"Ay-yi-yi-yi!"

**11:10 A.M.**

"What happened?" asks Vaati, running into the bathroom, followed by Link, Ganondorf, Majora, and Zant.

"Something weird and rubbery and white came up and kidnapped Luigi!" squeals Navi.

"Is there anyone here _not_ insane I can ask?" calls Vaati to the room in general. Zant and Majora raise their hands. Vaati rolls his eyes.

"No, it's like she said," says Midna, looking a bit shaken herself. "Luigi leaned down the pipes to see why the toilet exploded and some weird tentacle or something came up, grabbed him, and pulled him in."

"Where did Mario go?" asks Zant.

"He jumped down after Luigi.

"Are they alright?" asks Zant.

"How should I know?" asks Midna irritably. "Why don't you jump down and check on them?"

"Okay," says Zant and, before anyone can stop him, he leaps down the pipe.

**11:25 A.M.**

The cast heavily debates what to do next. Navi feels that they ought to rescue Zant and Link (reluctantly) agrees. Ganondorf doesn't really care what happens to Zant, but he is eager for a fight with whatever's down there and Vaati doesn't want to be shown up by Ganondorf. Midna on the other hand has no inclination whatsoever to rescue Zant and seems to think his disappearance is a gift from the goddesses.

"Alright Majora, you decide," sighs Link.

"On what?" asks Majora, who had somehow ignored the entire conversation.

"Should we rescue Zant from down the pipes?"

"PIPES?!? Pipes, you say?" asks Majora enthusiastically. "We get to go down pipes? Ho-ray!"

"I guess it's settled then," laughs Link.

**11:40 A.M.**

Link bravely approaches the hole in the floor and leaps down, giving his classic Link-scream the whole way. Ganondorf and Vaati follow, then Navi. Midna seriously considers just leaving, but Majora flies through her, causing her to tumble down the pipe anyway.

The cast finds themselves in some subterranean cavern beneath the house. The cameras have a difficult time picking them up, so Big Brother has the emergency lights turned on. It's uncertain exactly why Big Brother had lights and cameras put up in that cavern, as he seemed to know nothing about it before today.

"Zant's down here!" shouts Majora, hearing faint screams from farther down the tunnel.

**11:50 A.M.**

After some searching, no traces of Zant, Mario, or Luigi have been found. The tunnel reaches a dead-end with an underground lake.

"What the [Censored]?" asks Link. "Why can't these things ever be _easy_?"

"Lake's nice though," comments Majora. He makes a sweeping motion at a small rock on the ground, causing it to fly through the air and land in the lake with a satisfying *_plop_*

"Do not disturb the waters!" warns Link.

**11:55 A.M.**

Link's warning comes too late. The lake begins to bubble fiercely and something large and white shoots up.

"What in the land of Hyrule is _that_?" screams Ganondorf.

"BLOOPER!" the squid-like creature roars.

"Look!" squeaks Navi. "It's Zant!" Sure enough, Zant (and Mario and Luigi) are trapped in the squid's tentacles. Mario has nearly freed himself, but the others look in need of help.

Link goes to draw his sword, but realizes that it's been taken. "Oh [Censored]!" he gasps. "How are we going to beat this thing?"

"Some of us don't _need_ weapons, you know!" snaps Midna. She points at the squid and mutters something in Twili. "I'm gonna turn him into calamari!"

There is an explosion and several rocks fall on the squid, making it even angrier. Zant screams and ducks some of the stray rocks. "Zant, do something you idiot!" shouts Midna.

"Um, okay!" calls Zant. He too casts a spell. Unfortunately, he misses the squid and hits Luigi with it. Luigi gives a cry and looks like he was brained with a sauce pan.

"Bully!" screams Navi. She flies up towards the squid and dive bombs it between the eyes. This does little to slow the thing down, but causes it to loosen its grip, just enough for Mario to escape.

"Here we go!" calls the mustachio plumber, making a leap. He lands on the squid's head, pulls out a very large hammer, and wallops it. He then spins around and gives the peace sign.

**12:10 P.M.**

The squid has passed out and Zant and Luigi have been rescued. The weary cast make their way back up to the house, with plans for showers just as soon as the toilet has been fixed.

**12:30 P.M.**

With the squid defeated, the toilet is repaired fairly quickly, with a special discount (as the crew assisted with solving the problem). The producers for Big Brother make plans for the squid to be shipped to the Nintendo Zoo, where it will be featured in an aquarium next to Donkey Kong.

Big Brother orders hoagies for the cast as a reward for scoring the discount and decides to not give them the task for the day. Apparently he suspects that fighting a giant squid gets more viewers than what he had planned (Crocheting doilies).

**3:00 P.M.**

Time for eviction nominations!

_Ganondorf_ – I'm voting off Link, the little [Censored], flushing my potion the nerve… Oh, and Vaati. He's waaaay too much Evil Villain Competition for me.

_Link_ – I'm voting for Ganondorf because he made the toilet blow up. Squid be damned, he was _brewing_ something in there! Oh, and this is between you and me and the door, but I'd also like to vote for Navi…she's, uh, she's kind of annoying…

_Midna_ – I'd like to vote off Zant. Seriously, there've been two chances to get rid of the guy and I'm _still_ dealing with him!!! I want him _gone_! Oh, and I'll vote for Ganondorf, 'cause apparently he can't get it through his thick skull to leave the bathroom stuff alone.

_Navi _– Hey! I want to vote off Midna, because she wasn't very nice wanting to let Zant die like that! I'd also like to evict Zant because he wasn't very nice hitting Luigi with his spell like that!

_Zant_ – I want to vote of Ganondorf, because he clogged up the toilet and Link because he _blew up_ the toilet! Seriously, we only have one and I was kidnapped by a squid because of this. Oy vey…

_Vaati_ – I'm voting for Majora because the guy just doesn't _do_ anything. I really think Big Brother only keeps him to mooch money off of his singing. And Ganondorf because, well why do you think?

_Majora_ – I want to vote off Vaati because he scares me! And I want to evict Link because he didn't do anything to fight the squid. He's the Hero of Hyrule, he should have done _something!_

**5:00 P.M.**

Big Brother has announced that the nominees for the week are: Ganondorf, Zant, and Link. Link and Ganondorf look murderous. Zant looks stoned.

**7:00 P.M.**

The cast has taken to guarding the bathroom to prevent Ganondorf to enter with suspicious-looking materials.

"Is he insane, or just stupid?" wonders Midna.

"I think both," replies Link.

* * *

Remember to vote for which of the nominees you want evicted! ^^


	14. Week 3 Thursday

'_Ello lads and lovies, and sorry for the wait for an update. I've been entertaining our friend Mr. College Finals as of late and have been a bit preoccupied trying to remember Chinese artwork, schools of philosophy, and the various scientific terms for hominids (shoot me now…) Fortunately, finals are over and updates may begin again! _

* * *

**Week 3, Thursday**

**5:00 A.M.**

Cameras in the cast bedroom pick up Ganondorf jump out of bed and quietly hurry to his laptop. He feverishly begins typing. Apparently, his muse has been up late and just struck.

**5:30 A.M.**

Zant is muttering something in his sleep about finding the Well to Hell. Ganondorf is still typing, though slower now. He seems much sleepier, now that the zest of inspiration is wearing off.

**6:00 A.M.**

Vaati yawns, sits up, and looks around sleepily. He gets up and heads to the bathroom for a glass of water. As he returns, he notices that (A) Ganondorf is sound asleep and (B) the laptop is still open. He carefully leans forward for a look at this great thing Ganondorf's been working on.

**6:10 A.M.**

The cast is awakened quite suddenly by Vaati's shrieks of laughter.

"Now what?" asks Link irritably.

"Oh…my…goddesses!" comes Vaati's hysterical reply. "You guys have _got_ to read this!"

"Hrm? Wassgoinon?" asks Ganondorf sleepily, having been roused by the chatter. He gets no response, other than to be pushed sideways off his chair by Link, who is trying to get a good look. Link takes one look at the screen and immediately bursts out laughing.

"What is it? What is it?" asks Navi, bouncing in the air (if that's possible).

"Nothing! Get AWAY from that!" snarls Ganondorf, but it's too late. A tight crowd has gathered around the laptop.

Zant finally gets close enough to see the laptop screen. He reads the words at the top of the screen aloud. "An Ode to Tyrants: A Musical of Murder, Melodrama, and Mayhem by the Lord of Darkness Ganondorf"

Majora stares at the screen and then says the three words that everyone is thinking: "What the [Censored]?"

**6:25 A.M.**

Ganondorf is tied to the bed and heavily sedated. It took five Big Brother security personnel and ten tranquilizer darts to the neck before he could be stopped from pummeling Vaati into a lump of magic future flesh. Vaati actually appears traumatized and is lying on the sofa muttering something about the end of the universe and the restaurant he found there.

Link sets about cooking breakfast. The pickings are getting rather slim food wise and Big Brother refuses to refill the refrigerator unless the cast ups the ratings by five percent. The cast is understandably more than a little worried and annoyed at this, since it means that their chance for food rests almost solely on their abilities to be entertaining. As Midna states over her makeshift eggs-ham-and-jam toast, "We haven't got a wing or prayer in hell".

**7:30 A.M.**

Ganondorf is beginning to wake up from the tranquilizers and Vaati appears to be recovering well. Big Brother is impatient for their recovery as he wants to get the show going and give the cast their task for the day.

In a desperate bid to secure future meals, Zant takes to performing stand-up comedy in front of the cameras. Unfortunately he uses Twili humor, two words which ought to never be in the same sentence. Only Midna understands the jokes and according to her they weren't even that funny. The rest of the cast takes her word for it. Surprisingly, this segment of the show did win an award, EntertainmentToVomitTo. com's "WTF? TV Segment" award, along with an editorial from i-Mockery. com.

**8:00 A.M.**

Both Vaati and Ganondorf have recovered enough to be led carefully into the living room. Vaati keeps shooting nervous looks at Ganondorf, but the evil magician seems fairly out-of-it and sits dizzily in a reclining chair.

"Alright everyone, good to see you in better spirits," booms Big Brother.

"Heh…that cat's half dead!" laughs Ganondorf, still loopy from the sedatives.

"Erm, yes it is," says Big Brother, making a mental note to use something less potent in the tranquilizers next time. "Now for today's task we must - Stop that!"

The warning comes to late. Midna is so irritated with Ganondorf's giggling that she pulls the lever on the recliner and causes him to fall backwards onto the floor. Ganondorf seems too out-of-it to actually sit up and just continues to lie where he fell.

"You were saying?" prompts Midna.

"The task for today," growls Big Brother, "is to perform a musical."

"WHAT?" snaps Ganondorf, jumping to his feet with a start. The sudden movement startles the Big Brother security team (who have been standing by), causing them to unload another round of tranquilizers into Ganondorf's neck.

**8:30 A.M.**

The cast have taken advantage of Ganondorf's period of unconsciousness to take a vote and decide to use his new musical for the day's task.

**9:30 A.M.**

Ganondorf is able to sit up from the floor, though he seems to have double vision. "Hey," he slurs blearily, "What's you doing?"

Link slowly and carefully reminds him of the task.

"Oh yeah," mutters Ganondorf with a drunken smile. "I had some crazy dream…we were using _my_ musical. Stupid, huh?"

"We are!" squeaks Navi, who is not familiar with the concept of keeping one's mouth shut.

Ganondorf starts to lurch to his feet with a roar, but stops as the BB Security team raise their tranquilizer guns again. "Fine," he snarls. "Have the parts been chosen yet?"

"Mostly," says Zant, reading the cast list. "I'm Rasputin, Midna's Eva Braun, Vaati's Stalin, and Link's Richard Nixon. We saved the part of Mao for you, Majora's the Ghost of Governments Past and Navi's a light bulb in Act 1 Scene 4.

**10:15 A.M.**

The cast set in to perform what could be considered the most tasteless and strange musical since _Springtime for Hitler_. Big Brother says that they only have to perform one scene before he lets them call it quits (Big Brother is secretly worried that the subject content of the musical will get him fired if some of the later material is aired, especially the part with Kim Jong Ill and the vat of banana oil).

Midna is up first. She performs the opening song, a rock 'n roll-type thing set to the tune of "Holding Out For Hero". The song itself is titled "Where have all the Good Tyrants Gone?" and it takes every fiber of her moral being to go through with it. She finishes and flees to the bathroom for a warm shower.

Link and Majora meanwhile take the stage for Nixon's dream sequence which inspires him to meet with Mao, leading up to Ganondorf and Link's big duet "No One Corrupts Like You!"

**10:30 A.M.**

The scene draws to a climactic (or so Ganondorf probably believes) close, as the Ghost of Governments Past summons Rasputin to advise Mao and Nixon on how best to learn from each other (the "showstopper" "Take it to the Max, Bring the Revolutionaries to the Ax". The effect is somewhat diminished thanks to Zant's screechy singing voice, which causes Navi to fall out of the lamp she is staying in.

Majora takes the stage for one final speech to the audience: "And so my people you finally see/How corruption and chaos shall come to thee/ In another world and another time/ We might know things through reason and rhyme/ And the people might one day join hands and sing/ But really, wouldn't that be boring?/ So look to mayhem to fix and mend/ And take my hand, so we may all be friends!

**12:00 Noon**

Lunch is provided, mainly composed of the slabs of meat which Zant has been "sacrificing" to Majora over the past few days. Zant woofs these down eagerly, but no one else seems that hungry. Midna comments that instead of praying to Majora, they should be praying to the Goddesses for the ratings boost they need for more groceries.

**2:00 P.M.**

Big Brother calls for a Confession Cam session:

_Ganondorf_ – That idiot Vaati, looking at my private projects like that. But really, seeing my musical in action does give such a feeling of…well I can't describe it really. Accomplishment I guess would be the word. Ahhh…

_Link_ – Time was, Ganondorf seemed pretty scary. Somehow though, I think his musical was even scarier. I'm seriously praying to the Goddesses that it never makes it on the internet. The last thing we need's some [censored] neo-Nazi getting a hold of it…

_Midna_ – I feel so dirty…what the heck is wrong with Ganondorf, writing stuff like that?

_Navi _– I think I made a good light bulb. It's not everyone who can handle a part like that.

_Zant_ – Wow, Ganondorf was acting like_ me_ for a while there! It was GREAT!

_Vaati_ – Oh my…Ganondorf did take me by surprise this morning. But mark my words, I _will_ avenge this indignity!

_Majora_ – I might very well take up a second job as an actor…after my first job as a god of course.

**4:00 P.M.**

The cast is informed that it is Earth Day and to celebrate, the producers of the show have arranged for a tree to be brought it for the ceremony.

"Do we get to eat the tree?" asks Zant.

"No you [censored] moron! Who eats a tree?" asks Link. "Never mind, don't answer," he adds, as Zant opens his mouth to reply.

**4:15 P.M.**

The producers have not only provided a tree, but a nice hole for it to be planted in. The cast simultaneously take the tree, place it in the hole, and pile dirt at the base. Majora and Navi watch sadly as this takes place, since neither have hands to help out. Majora bursts loudly into tears and flies off to the attic to console himself.

The festivities are topped off with an announcement from Big Brother: apparently the production of Ganondorf's musical has netted a larger audience, mainly KKK members, neo-Nazis, all seventy-one members of the Westboro Baptist Church, and former members of the Nixon administration. The result is that the cast has only just scored the necessary ratings to be given more food.

"Hooray!" shouts Link. "Hey, do I smell smoke?"

The cast turns in time to see that Zant has apparently set the tree they just planted on fire. "What?" he asks defensively as everyone glares at him. "Isn't that what we do with the trees? I know people set 'em on fire, I've seen them do it!"

* * *

_Apologies to fans of President Nixon and his administration, Futurama nerdiness finding its way in here._


	15. Week 3 Friday

**Week 3, Friday**

**7:45 A.M.**

The cast sit happily at the breakfast table, gobbling down eggs on toast and discussing what might come in the day ahead. Link appears to be asleep sitting up and Ganondorf appears to be trying to place Cool Whip in his hand without waking him up.

"This is Big Brother!" booms the speakers, shocking Link awake. "Are you ready for today? We've got quite a treat for you."

"Yay!" squeals Navi. "I LOVE TREATS!"

"Yes, well, shut up. Anyway, the task for the day is waiting for you in the living room. Go get it when you've finished with your breakfast."

"Omigoshomigoshomigoshomigosh!!! I wonder what it IIIIIIS!" cries Navi, beside herself with excitement.

"I know, right?" cries Majora, who somehow seems just as worked up as Navi. "Maybe we get to hold a worship ritual to me!"

Vaati snorts at this, trying not to laugh. Link goes to perform a face palm. This ends rather badly for him, as Ganondorf has loaded about half of the Cool Whip container onto his left hand, resulting in him getting a rather sticky (though tasty) layer on his face and hair.

**8:00 A.M.**

The dishes are loaded into the sink to be washed later. Navi and Majora are far to excited to wait and rush to the living roam immediately. Link wants to go to the bathroom to wash the Cool Whip off of him, but Big Brother urges everyone to follow the fairy and deity's examples and hurry on to the task. Everyone goes to the living room and gasp when they find…

"BUNNIES!" scream Navi, Majora, and Zant.

Sure enough, there are seven adorable little rabbits, all with tiny nametags around the neck. Closer examination reveals that the nametags are actually used to tell which cast member goes with which rabbit.

Not all of the cast members share Navi, Majora, and Zant's enthusiasm. "Soooo…what's the catch?" asks Midna warily.

"No catch," insists Big Brother. "You've just got to take care of the rabbits for the day."

"That's really just it?" asks Midna.

"Yes. Consider it an Easter present."

"But Easter's over," points out Link.

"Shut up!" hisses Midna, who's happy to have an easy task for once.

"Whatever. It's up to you guys to name the rabbits. They've all got to be alive and healthy by the end of the day," says BB. "Big Brother out!"

**8:15 A.M.**

After much thinking, loud arguing, and a fight that results in a hole being blown in the living room wall (both Midna and Zant are held responsible), the rabbits have been passed out and named.

Navi has named hers "Snuggles". Majora seems unhappy as he was apparently interested in that name as well. Ultimately, he falls back on "Bunbun".

Midna decides, for reasons unknown, to name her rabbit "BunniesGoneBad".

Vaati names his "Dinner" ("that's all rabbits are good for," he insists).

Ganondorf names his "Lord Killerwolf".

Zant wants to name his bunny "Askteriskipie", but this is vetoed by Big Brother, who uses a Twili-to-English dictionary to discover that the word is a very rude insult towards one's mother (also implying an uncle-father relationship with avocados and rhubarb pie). Zant grumbles at this, but decides to go with "Riptide" (no explanation is given).

Link names his rabbit "Terry Gilliam".

**10:00 A.M.**

Things have been going smoothly. The cast members enjoy watching their rabbits hop around and act cute. Only Ganondorf seems frustrated. He's spent the past half hour trying to teach Lord Killerwolf to rip out throats on command.

Navi flies around the room, overwhelmed by the cuteness of her rabbit. Even Majora seems happy and hasn't yet complained about his lack of physical being, although the rest of the cast guess it's only a matter of time.

Big Brother keeps an especially close eye on Vaati's treatment of his bunny, especially as lunchtime approaches. Apparently there are seven different animal rights activists who personally threatened to send hit men after him should any harm come to the bunnies.

**12:00 Noon**

Vaati has cooked a tasty lunch of egg salad sandwiches with a large chocolate fondue. Apparently Big Brother has secretly stocked the refrigerator with Easter related foods in the spirit of the holiday (however belated).

The cast, hungry and by now a bit tired, leave their rabbits in the living room and go to eat.

**12:10 P.M.**

Big Brother is told he has an incoming call. Caller ID shows no number, just the business name: "Gaia".

**12:20 P.M.**

Big Brother hastily comes on over the intercom. "This is Big Brother," he booms. "I'm afraid that because of an…accident…we have had a bit of a mix-up and will be getting several visitors to set things right."

"Which visitors?" asks Link.

"Just a few maintenance folks. Nothing serious. Big Brother out!"

**12:45 P.M.**

Just as the cast finishes their lunch, the doorbell rings. Vaati gets there first and answers it to find an Asian man followed by several men and women in lab coats.

"Hello, hello," says the Asian man, entering the house. "This should only take a minute and then we can clear out of here."

"Sorry, but who the hell are you?" asks Link a bit rudely.

"Me? I'm Lanzer," says the man. "These people here are LabTech 045, LabTech 124, LabTech ILVU, and LabTech 13D."

"You don't say," says Midna. "Why are you here anyway?"

Lanzer shifts slightly and looks rather sheepish. "There was a bit of a shipping accident, you see. Some of my company - Gaia's - products were sent here along with the rabbits you had imported today."

"Well then get whatever it is and get out," says Link grumpily. Apparently the egg salad is not agreeing with him and he is feeling rather ill.

"That's part of the problem," says Lanzer. "You see, the shipment that you got was one Grunny. A Grunny is a green rabbit which Gaia is well known for producing."

"Well none of our rabbits are green. There must have been a mistake," comments Vaati while Ganondorf looks pleased at the thought of owning a green rabbit.

"Yes, well, that's _another_ part of the problem," says Lanzer. "You see, this particular Grunny had fallen into a barrel of white fur dye just prior to being shipped out. It looks completely like a normal rabbit."

"Okay," sighs Midna, holding her head. "How can we tell this Grunny apart from the regular rabbits?"

"Well," says Lanzer seriously. "Grunnies were created with a special G-Virus which means that if one bites you, you'll become a greenish zombie. They're also very aggressive, so once the sedatives on the one here wears off, chances are it'll attack on sight."

"Excellent!" says Ganondorf.

"Bloody hell," snaps Link.

**1:00 P.M.**

A full-blown rabbit hunt has been put into action. The LabTechs have pulled out various scientific gear and are scouring the bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen.

Link, Midna, and Navi search the living room. Majora and Zant route through the basement and Ganondorf and Vaati take the backyard. Ganondorf seems unusually motivated by this search and Vaati speculates that Ganondorf just wants to find the Grunny first because he wants to keep it as a pet.

**1:30 P.M.**

Loud cries can be heard from the bedroom. LabTech 124 comes running out screaming "It got ILVU! I'm getting out of -"

Navi screams as 124 falls to the floor. A white rabbit is sitting on his back, chewing on him. LabTech 124 twitches and then apparently dies.

"Link HELP!!!" screams Navi.

"Showtime!" calls Midna, putting some Twili magic to work. Unfortunately, Majora chooses that very instant to come up through the floor, between the Grunny and Midna. The result is that Midna's aim is thrown off and she throws the spell through the doorway to the kitchen. The spell hits Zant.

"And you think _my_ aim's bad," he mutters as he falls over onto the ground.

The noise attracts Lanzer and LabTechs 045 and 13D, the latter two carrying rather large syringes. They leap for the Grunny, which sets off running.

"Don't let it bite you!" shouts Lanzer.

Vaati and Ganondorf meanwhile hear the commotion and come running in from the garden. Vaati reaches the living room first, but trips over Zant and narrowly misses having the Grunny attach itself to his face.

Ganondorf enters the room more carefully. "Right," he shouts in a booming voice, "Lord Killerwolf, _SIT_!" Much to everyone's amazement, the Grunny stops running around the room and sits peacefully in front of Ganondorf. Ganondorf smiles and pets the Grunny. "Good boy! I knew you learned that one, even if 'Maim' was a little too hard."

**2:10 P.M.**

The Grunny has been captured, contained, and shipped off. Lanzer thanks the cast for their help and gives them all Gaia Cash Cards as rewards. Zant has no idea what those are for and tries to chew on his.

"I'm sorry about your loses," says Link as Lanzer goes to leave.

"Hmm?""LabTechs ILVU and 124? The ones who died?" Link reminds him.

"Oh! Don't worry about them," said Lanzer cheerfully. "We'll just hook 'em up to the Soul-Sucker 3000 and put their personalities and memories into cloned bodies. We do that all the time. These aren't the first LabTechs to die on duty, you know?"

"Ehh…what the [censored]?" says a freaked Link.

**3:00 P.M.**

Confession Cam Time!

_Ganondorf_ – I really will miss Lord Killerwolf. I wonder if there's some underground black market trade for Grunnies?

_Link_ – Who the [censored] is running this show anyway? How do you get a shipment of regular Easter bunnies mixed up with killer rabbits? Hell…

_Midna_ – Of course, I should have known it wouldn't have been easy. When have we ever had a task that just went according to plan? I'm going to make them pay my therapy bills when I'm out of this, I swear to the Goddesses.

_Navi _– Aw, the bunnies are gone! I miss them! Bye Snuggles! _Cries_

_Zant_ – My, Midna really hit me with a hardball there. My face is still swelling. Excuse me, I need to lie down…

_Vaati_ – What a stupid activity. Rabbits? Rabbits are only good for food! Roasted rabbit, now _that_ would be a good dinner. Why can't we have that, hmm?

_Majora_ – The bunnies! The bunnies! I loved those bunnies SO MUCH!!! But I COULDN'T PET THEM!!! AUUUGH!!!

**4:00 P.M.**

Big Brother announces the evictee for the week: Ganondorf!

There is a moment of silence before loud cries come from Link, Midna, and Ganondorf himself. Link is apparently thrilled at Ganondorf's eviction, the Dark Magician is angry, and Midna is furious that Zant has not yet been evicted.

"Why me? What did I ever do to anyone?" shouts Ganondorf.

"It was the voter's choice and we left everything open until the last minute," says Big Brother. "You knew this could happen any week, now pack up and GO!"

With a large amount of grumbling, Ganondorf leaves to do so.

**6:00 P.M.**

With Ganondorf gone, Link holds a small celebration. Vaati and Navi both join in, Vaati because he hated Ganondorf as well and Navi because she just wants an excuse to fly around and act silly.

Midna sits in the bedroom, sulking over the fact that she must put up with Zant for at least another week.

Majora and Zant go to the basement to hold a goodbye ritual for the departures of their beloved Bunbun and Riptide. They feel that meat is an inappropriate sacrifice, so they chop up carrots and celery which, unbeknownst to them, would later result in a lawsuit to the Big Brother producers courtesy of the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Vegetables.


	16. Week 4 Monday

_Apologies for the wait, several events have piled up (including wisdom teeth removal) and inspiration has been hard-pressed._

_To clear up some confusions: The references in Week 3, Friday to "Gaia", "Lanzer", "Grunnies", and "LabTechs" were an in-joke and a reference to a site called GaiaOnline, which I am a member of. Gaia is a virtual world/forum site which was started by Derek Liu, aka Lanzer (his Gaia username). Gaia has its own manga and back story and LabTechs and Grunnies are a part of it._

_Also, to answer a recent question, Midna is still in imp form. Keep this in mind because it's going to be used sometime in the future (assuming I can remember ^^;)_

_

* * *

_

_Cast Members_

Link – Hero of Time and wielder of the Triforce of Courage. Rescues Princess Zelda and fights evil a whole lot. Doesn't really talk much.

**Princess Zelda – Princess of Hyrule and wielder of the Triforce of Wisdom. Has a tendency to get kidnapped, but she also has sweet magic and archery skills. Evicted.**

**Ganondorf – King of the Gerudos, wielder of the Triforce of Power, and the main villain in the Legend of Zelda. Spends his time trying to steal the other two Triforce parts, kidnap Zelda, or enslave Hyrule. Is always thwarted by Link. Evicted.**

Navi – An annoying fairy companion of Link, mostly known for her irritating phrases such as "Hello?" "Look!" or "Listen!" Kind of the Tinkerbelle to Link's Peter Pan.

**Malon – A farm girl who shows up in most Legend of Zelda games. Pretty spunky and great with horses. Evicted**

Midna – The ruler of the Twilight Realm. A little imp-like creature with many strange powers.

Zant – The crazy usurper of the Twilight Realm throne. Doesn't really care for Midna or Link (as both foiled his evil schemes).

Majora – Formerly a god worshiped by a now extinct civilization. Previously inhabited a mask, but was thrown from that by Link. Now is just a shadowy monster.

Vaati – A wind sorcerer from the future. He could be considered second only to Ganondorf, villainy-wise.

**Week 4, Monday**

**7:00 A.M.**

Navi is in the kitchen, preparing breakfast once more. An online poll set up on the Big Brother website has indicated a great curiosity amongst viewers as to how exactly Navi was able to cook (as she seemed to have no hands). As a result, Kitchen Camera 7b zooms in to try to catch a little action. This does little except to frighten the fairy.

"What's this? Go away!" she snaps. "I will _not_ share my cooking secrets with anyone!"

When the camera still does not pull back, she dive bombs it. Kitchen Camera 7b promptly shows static for the next ten minutes and then goes offline.

**7:20 A.M.**

The cast gather in the dining room for breakfast. Link seems in very good spirits following the eviction of Ganondorf. Navi is in a rare bad mood. It would seem that Big Brother has found out about her destruction of Kitchen Camera 7b and is taking the money for repairs from her savings account. Upon confrontation, Navi retorted that the camera had no business investigating her private secrets. Big Brother replied that Navi gave up her right to secrets when she signed up for the show and Navi shocks the crew by telling Big Brother to shove the secrets up his ass if he wants them so badly. Big Brother has ordered Navi to spend the day cleaning grime out from the bathroom sink (a parting gift from an ill-tempered Ganondorf).

**8:00 A.M.**

The loudspeaker crackles as Big Brother comes online. "This is Big Brother! Rise and shine sleepyheads!"

"I'm not sleepy," says Zant thickly. It is hard to make out what he is saying, as he had apparently been sleeping face-first in his oatmeal.

"Alright," sighs Midna. "What is it we're doing today? Race around the house? Exorcisms? Handling irate sharks?"

"Nothing."

"I'm sorry, my helmet must be impairing my hearing. _What_ did you just say?" asks Midna in shock.

"I said, the task for today is nothing," repeats Big Brother.

"And why's this?" asks Vaati suspiciously.

"Well," says Big Brother, "You all have done so well lately I'm giving you a day off." He mutters something else about getting some gratitude from the producers after viewers get bored and the ratings drop. "Anyway, enjoy yourselves - or else - and Big Brother out!"

**9:00 A.M.**

The cast is thrilled to have the day off and set off for various leisurely activities.

Link, Midna, and Zant (who is in an oddly sociable mood) head off to the living room to watch television. Midna is disgusted when she finds herself sitting next to Zant and chooses to watch the telly via floating in the upper-left corner of the room.

Majora pesters Vaati to sing the duet "I'd Do Anything for Love But I Won't Do That" with him. Vaati flat out refuses and finally orders Majora to leave him alone. Majora floats off, seething.

**9:30 A.M.**

After a wrestling match over the remote and much arguing, the three cast members in the living room decide to watch _The Golden Compass_, which is about halfway done.

Vaati wanders the garden, controlling small bursts of wind. Unbeknownst to him, Majora attempts to get revenge by hiding in his shadow and stalking him.

**9:45 A.M.**

Navi comes into the living room and looks ready to settle down and watch the movie as well. Big Brother reminds her that she has to clean out the sink, as per her punishment. Navi glares at the loudspeakers (if that's possible), but heads out to the bathroom.

**10:30 A.M.**

Zant becomes increasingly jumpy as the movie progresses and finally jumps up.

"I can't take it anymore!" he wails.

"What is it now?" asks Link grumpily.

"It's just…this movie…it violates and mocks my spiritual beliefs!"

"What spiritual beliefs?" snaps Midna.

"That polar bears are the supreme masters of the universe!" sobs Zant. He dramatically turns and flees the living room. As he passes the bathroom, a loud crash is heard.

"Will you keep it down?" asks Vaati furiously from the bedroom doorway. "I want to take a nap in here!"

"That wasn't me!" calls Zant.

"Yeah right," snorts Midna.

**11:00 A.M.**

Camera 4e in the bedroom picks up Majora, still disguised as Vaati's shadow but growing increasingly bored. The wind sorcerer has been asleep for the past half hour and Majora doesn't seem to know what to do now. Feeling rather tired himself, the former deity decides to crawl under Vaati's bed for a nap of his own.

**11:45 A.M.**

The cast begins to grow hungry and restless as lunchtime approaches and there's no signs of Navi coming to fix anything.

"Where is she?" asks Link. "Normally she never shuts up so it's easy to tell where she is."

Even Zant wanders back into the living room to look for munchies. A camera in the dining room catches him heading for the dumpster out back singing the _Oliver!_ hit "Food, Glorious Food!"

Midna meanwhile sets off to search for Navi. A quick search of the dining room and kitchen turn up nothing, although she does find Zant happily eating some rotten fruit and an old milk carton ("it's the best part!") Finally, Midna goes to check the bedroom.

"Hey Vaati! VAATI!" Midna shouts.

"WAH?!?" cries Vaati, sitting up with a start.

A second later, Majora (who was also woken up suddenly) sits up through the bed and Vaati's lap. "Humma Kavula!" he shouts. Vaati gives a shout as well and magically tosses Majora from the bed.

**12:00 Noon**

The cast has spent the past fifteen minutes searching for Navi. After no leads show up, Link goes to the kitchen and fixes peanut butter sandwiches for everyone.

**12:20 P.M.**

Vaati finishes his sandwich first and leaves for the bathroom to go wash his hands. The sound of running water can be heard. Then the sound of the facet turning off. Then on again. Then off. Then a period of silence. Finally, "What the [censored]?"

**12:25 P.M.**

Upon hearing Vaati's exclamation, the rest of the cast enter the bathroom curiously.

"What's up now?" asks Zant.

"There's something…strange going on with the bathroom sink," explained Vaati. "See?"

He turns the facet and water begins to run.

"You mean to say that _water comes out of the facet_?" asks Midna sarcastically. "Oh, whatever will we learn next? That the Earth's round?"

"Oh shut up," snaps Vaati. "Look closer at the water. Or rather, where the water isn't."

The cast crowds around and looks closer at the flow of water. Sure enough, something strange is going on in there. While the water comes out just fine, it vanishes the instant it touches the porcelain, leaving the sink bowl completely dry.

"Where's it going?" wonders Majora.

"Do you think this has something to do with Navi's disappearance?" asks Link.

"I'd say so," answers Midna, zooming in for a closer look. "This appears to be a transdimensional portal which pierces the fourth realm through time and space."

"So _that's_ where I left that!" exclaims Zant, with the air of a person who just solved a puzzling mystery.

**12:45 P.M.**

After many calculations on the part of Midna and Zant (or rather just Midna, as Zant is fairly useless), the cast has a rough idea of the nature of the portal and how to get Navi back out of it. According to Midna, it should be perfectly safe to just reach in and pull her out.

"How do we know if we've gotten her though?" asks Link.

"I doubt there's anything else in there," replies Midna.

"Fair enough," says Link and bravely reaches his hand down to the shoulder into the portal. "I've got something!" he shouts triumphantly. He tightens his grip and screws up his face in concentration. "Urgh, the bugger's putting up a fight," he mutters through gritted teeth. He gives a strong tug and pulls out of the portal a Morlock.

**12: 55 P.M.**

After much shouting, scrambling, and the cry of "HOLY MOTHER OF [censored]!!!" from Link, the cast manage to shove the Morlock back into the portal before it figures out it was free. Honorable mention for the Morlock removal is given to Midna, who hit it with a disorientation spell - and Link - for innovative application of fencing techniques with a toilet plunger.

Though considerably shaken, the cast agree that there's no choice but to try again. Link once more shoves his arm down the portal. This time, he comes up with a bright ball of light in his hand.

"It's Navi!" cries Majora.

"Hello!" says Navi happily. "I'm sorry, did I miss making lunch? I was just cleaning the drain, the mess seems to keep going on and on in there."

**2:00 P.M.**

Big Brother comes online to ask the exhausted cast (now unwinding once more in front of the television) how they are enjoying their totally uneventful day.

"Are you _kidding_ me?!?" Midna shrieks while Vaati glares at the loudspeakers and Link flips off the closest camera. "Were you watching us _at all_ today?"

"No need to get snippy with me, it was just a question," says Big Brother huffily, before he gets offline.

Midna snorts and turns back to watching _Office Space_. After a few minutes, Zant begins to get upset and jumps up to leave. "What is it now?" asks Midna irritably.

"This…this violates my spiritual beliefs as well…"

"How so?"

"Universal faith in the Supreme Red Stapler of Justice."

**3:00 P.M.**

Confession Camera Time!

_Link_ – What the [censored]? Who would have thought such a freaky thing was down that portal? Imagine my surprise, geez…

_Midna_ – Big Brother is watching us my gray butt. I should have known…a day off was too good to be freakin' true.

_Navi _– Wow, that drain was really deep! I wonder who installed the plumbing in this place? First the toilet and then that…

_Zant_ – Everyone's attacking my spiritual beliefs! It's so…so…so _cruel_!!! *sobs*

_Vaati_ – I suppose it says something about our quality of life if this constitutes an "uneventful" day for us.

_Majora_ – Vaati's a lot of fun to follow around. When he's not asleep that is.

**5:00 P.M.**

The cast gathers in the dining room for a lavish turkey dinner, compliments of Navi. She apparently put extra effort into the meal as an apology for missing lunch.

**8:30 P.M.**

The cast settles down for the night. Goodnights are said and the lights are clicked off.

**8:33 P.M.**

The lights are clicked back on.

**8:35 P.M.**

The sound of cursing and dragging can be heard. Apparently Majora has decided to spend the night under Vaati's bed and a thoroughly annoyed Vaati has magically expelled him (again).

* * *

_Again, thank you all for your patience for the update._

_I'd like to add that there will be a Q&A section for the cast in the next update, so when you post reviews, also post any questions you have to any cast members (just give the question and who it's directed to). And please be appropriate with the questions (don't ask Link if he'd screw Midna or anything weird like that. I won't put it in)._


	17. Week 4 Tuesday

Um yeah...sorry for the wait! ^^;

**

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**Week 4, Tuesday**

**9:00 A.M.**

The sleepy cast help themselves to a hardy breakfast of toast, jam, and eggs, fixed by Vaati (who is so sleepy that he nearly served a stack of napkins, a jar of pickles, and some fried shoe soles instead). Everyone chats lazily, while Navi tries to convince Big Brother to read her horoscope for the day. He refuses on the grounds that it endorses a form of fortune telling which is a slippery subject with many religious groups and is not scientifically viable, not to mention the fact that the newspaper does not give the horoscope for Navi's sign ("Tyian the Forest Fairy").

At the end of the table, Majora is strangely animated and is in deep discussion with Zant and Link over favorite bands.

"The Beatles were the best," says Link in a bored voice. "No doubt about it."

"Hah!" laughs Zant.

"Well then who the [censored] do _you_ think is best?"

Zant looks embarrassed before admitting "The Spice Girls", causing Vaati to snort and try to suppress heavy laughter. Zant asks him how the pickles on napkins taste, which shuts the wind sorcerer up.

"What about you Majora?" asks Link. "You're into all the singing, who's your favorite?"

"Well," says Majora, "It's very hard to say. Meatloaf holds a special place in my heart of course. But I'd have to say that Michael Jackson's the best. He's inspired me in so many ways! I guess you could say he's my role model. One day, I swear I will travel to Neverland Ranch and meet him!"

"Michael Jackson's dead," says Midna casually.

"WHAT?!?!?!"

**9:15 A.M.**

"NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOO!!!!"

**9:30 A.M.**

Majora is still in the process of a mental breakdown and has been forcibly moved to the attic (via electric fan) for his own protection.

The rest of the cast are rather annoyed with Midna for breaking the news so tactlessly.

"Don't you have any sense?" asks Vaati furiously.

"He was going to find out sooner or later," Midna replies.

"Are you _sure_ there's no 'Forest Fairy' sign?" Navi asks Big Brother via intercom, having somehow managed to fail to notice the events of the previous half-hour.

**10:00 A.M.**

Majora has calmed down enough to return to the living room, where he hovers over the television looking grief-stricken. The rest of the cast pause in their show watching to try to comfort him.

"There, there," says Vaati, awkwardly trying to pat his (insubstantial) shoulder.

"He's in a better place!" chirps Navi.

"I know," sighed Majora. "I guess it was just a shock. When you're an immortal deity, of course the lives of humans come and go at a fast rate. But I just never expected…"He trails off and sighs as the Oxyclean infomercial comes on.

"Oh yeah," says Midna. "Billy Mays has died also."

Both Majora and Zant's heads snap up. "WHAT?!?"

**10:30 A.M.**

The house is in a somber mood with the ill news the morning has brought. Big Brother decides that he has just the thing to cheer everyone up: A task!

He orders everyone to sit in the living room and listen up. "Of course you all know that you are all famous heroes or villains - "

"Of course," says Vaati smugly.

"- So our website has asked viewers to submit questions for you all to answer on live camera today."

"Absolutely not!" says Midna furiously.

"Why? Have you got something to hide?" asks Vaati obnoxiously.

"I will _not_ share my personal details with some anonymous idiots who watch reality TV!"

"That's no way to talk to your fans!" cries Navi, shocked.

Big Brother points out that while people might be silly for watching reality TV, Midna was _on_ reality TV, which didn't make her much better. She falls silent and he continues on. "I will read out the questions and whoever they are addressed to will answer. Ready?"

**10:45 A.M.**

"This first letter is from a woman named Carmen Sense: 'Vaati, how does it feel to be stuck in a house with the guy who so easily defeated you so many times, and most likely will again? Majora, do you ever feel like a ghost of yourself? As though your game plan is so transparent to all those in the house with you?'"

It seems that as Vaati got the first question, he is expected to answer first and he does not like it. Rising up in the air, the futuristic sorcerer's hair whips in the wind, intimidating.

"Let it be known and let it be known well," he snarls. "One can only rely on _luck_ for so long. Because when you get right down to it, that's all Link has ever relied on! Luck! And that's all this contest is: Luck! And very probably, Link's luck might run out here, run, run like a river of blood that shall burst forth from his skull by my own power and hands! WAH HA HA!!!"

There is a dead silence before Big Brother gives a cheerful "Alright then!"

Vaati looks somewhat sheepish and lowers himself once more to the ground. "So yeah," he finished, "It's annoying but at the end of the day, it's luck and everyone's luck runs out sooner or later,"

"Bull [censored]" mutters Link.

"How's that?" asks Vaati furiously.

"Majora's next," cuts in Big Brother.

Majora sighs. "I guess I don't really think about it," he says. "Now I do, more than ever. But some days, I feel incredibly powerful. I still have my magic and former honor. And that counts for a lot, even though I DON'T…HAVE…A [CENSORED] BODY!"

His voice rises with each word and at the end of the sentence, he violently flies up through the ceiling.

"Come back here!" calls Big Brother, but Majora is out of hearing range. He grumbles and plots revenge on the former deity, which will come later in the form of lavatory cleaning.

"So what about Majora's game plan? He never said about it," points out Midna.

"Oh, I don't think he has one," replies Zant.

"How do you know that?"

"Well he's never shown it to me…"

**11:00 A.M.**

"This next question," continues Big Brother, "Is from William O, of Pittsburgh: 'Link, of all the incarnations of yourself, which one is your favorite? Zant, did you know you suck?'"

"I like the Fierce Deity incarnation best," says Link promptly. "I mean, you get the power of the [censored] gods, how cool is that? But then, Zora form is pretty cool too, swimming through the water and all. Goron Link, eh it's nice to be so strong but you can't even cross a moderately deep stream without sinking. And don't even get me started on that [censored] Deku Scrub. It's almost as bad as when I used to turn into a bunny in the Dark World."

All eyes turn next to Zant for him to answer his question. "No, I didn't know that. Thank you for telling me," he answers, dead serious.

**11:10 A.M.**

"The third question is from Exeterra," says Big Brother. "She writes to Link: 'Do you realize that practically every girl in Hyrule and the surrounding regions likes you? O DO YOU LIKE ANYONE? Eeheehee :)'"

"Um, yeah it's kind of hard to miss," points out Link. "After all, most of those girls are pretty much throwing themselves at me. Ruto wasn't exactly subtle and neither was Malon."

"What about the second half of the question?" prompts Vaati. "Do you like any of them?" He and the rest of the cast huddle a little closer, eager for the answer.

Link begins to sputter as he tries to think of a suitable solution. "I…erm…you see…that is… how the [censored] was Big Brother able to read out the smiley face symbol anyway?"

Big Brother decides to spare Link and moves on to the next letter, but not before Vaati mutters his suspicion that it's not the girls that Link is after ("I mean, he spends an awful lot of time with Epona…Equus anyone?").

**11:20 A.M.**

"Letter for Navi," says Big Brother ("YAY!" she squeals). "It's from someone who just signed ZQ. It reads, 'Hi Navi! How do you know so much about all the enemies Link fights?'"

"Well," says Navi importantly, "It's not easy! Every fairy in the Kokiri woods must go through Basic Fairy Academy, but I was sent to the Great Deku School for Gifted Fairies. I was tutored by the Great Deku Tree himself! I guess he figured I was destined to be with Link and needed a little extra to my education. And of course, I have my fairy magic. That helps!"

"Sure," sighs Link. "Like the time you mistook a ReDead for a civilian.

"I told you I was sorry! It was an honest mistake."

"We were in a crypt!"

"Well you survived anyway, so what does it matter?"

**11:30 A.M.**

"Final letter, from Kiba Wolf," says Big Brother. "It's for Midna: 'Do you enjoy ruling the Twilight Realm or do you feel things would be better if you didn't have to sweat it?

All eyes swivel to Midna. "What kind of a question is that?" she asks without hesitation. "Of _course_ I wish I didn't have to 'sweat it'. Who wouldn't want to rule a kingdom without the hassle of idiot usurping competition and curses that make you look weird and being exposed to deadly substances that nearly kill you? But I do enjoy ruling the Twilight Kingdom, it's a very gratifying job…when I'm not being uprooted from the throne," she adds, glaring at Zant. "I'd say that's the main problem: I've spent a whole two minutes actually ruling because _he's_ been in power when I should have been. Ugh…"

**12:00 Noon**

Task done, the cast (minus Majora, who is still upstairs) opt to have sandwiches in the living room, watching reruns of the old series _Charlie's Angels_. This is one of Midna's favorites apparently.

"Hey Midna," calls Zant from his seat. "Did you know that Farrah Fawcett just died?"Midna flies from the room, where camera 4a catches her bursting into tears. "No! No! NO!"

**2:00 P.M.**

Seeing as so much drama has gone on today, Big Brother feels that a good old Confession Cam session will do some good (or at least boost ratings).

_Link_ – You know, the bunny form wasn't so bad really. A bit ridiculous though, I mean the wolf form is far more intimidating…

_Midna_ – What a sad day this is…and what stupid questions. Ugh, I really need something to cheer me up this evening. Maybe curse Zant to talk in spoonerisms ?

_Navi _– Someone asked me a question! That made my day, despite the fact that I didn't get my horoscope read!

_Zant_ – Majora's sad…Midna's sad…I'm sad too! Maybe something's going around, do you suppose there's something in the tap water?

_Vaati_ – "Always defeated", "most likely will be defeated again", who the [censored] asked that? When this show is over, I _will_ find them and condemn them to a long and painful fate!

_Majora_ – _Majora remains hidden in his room rather than attend Confession Cam. For this, Big Brother decides to expand his punishment to include scrapping spider eggs from under the kitchen sink_.

**4:00 P.M.**

Big Brother reminds them all that today is the Fourth of July and because of this, they will all get a special treat that evening.

"Yay!" cries Navi, zipping madly around the room.

"But we're Hylian, not American," Link points out.

"Who cares?" asks Big Brother. "Just enjoy it, it was provided by the producers."

**5:30 P.M**

Vaati goes to cook dinner in the kitchen, but is ordered by Big Brother to go to the back yard instead. There, he finds a grill, fire starting materials, and a huge plate of hamburgers, hotdog, ribs, and steaks. In short, everything needed for a fantastic cook out. A gleam is detected in Vaati's eye as he heaps lighter fluid into the grill and lights a match.

**5:35 P.M.**

***FWOOM!!!***

**5:40 P.M.**

Vaati is trying to magically salvage the grill, while Big Brother Maintenance Employees hose down what is left of the backyard with flame-retardant chemicals. Most of the grass is singed black and all that is left of the foliage is a sad-looking, smoking, tree.

The rest of the cast come outside, having see the explosion from the living room windows and certain that Armageddon just occurred.

Big Brother berates Vaati for his careless actions and makes a mental note to purchase no more Acme Rocket Fuel and Lighter Fluid from traveling coyote salesmen, no matter how cheap it might be.

**7:00 P.M.**

After much chaos, the meats are being cooked as per the various cast members' tastes and everything has begun to settle down a bit. Vaati appears to enjoy his role as cook and has even summoned up a chef's hat and an apron that says "Kiss the Cook!"

**8:00 P.M.**

The final part of the surprise of the day is revealed - fireworks! Big Brother is reluctant to give any more fire hazards to the cast after the incident with the grill, but ultimately decides that there's little more in the yard that can be destroyed.

**8:25 P.M.**

The cast are having a fine time with the fireworks, which range from sparklers to Roman Candles.

Navi is endlessly fascinated by the Fountains, which give off streams of sparks into the air.

Majora and Link set off Jumping Jacks. It is uncertain as to how Majora sets his off, but he seems to be able to perform some sort of internal reaction, akin to how he blew up his alarm clock in their first task.

Vaati becomes increasingly annoyed with Zant, who shouts "BOOM!" every time a firework explodes. He finally points at Zant and shouts "Shut _up_!" Unfortunately, he is holding an Air Bomb in his hand and receives another stern lecture from Big Brother about the dangers of pointing fireworks at people.

"Ha ha!" Zant laughs. "Yeah Vaati, you should be more careful, like me!"

"Zant, you're holding a lit Roman Candle!" shouts Midna.

Sure enough, Zant had just lit the fuse of his Roman Candle and forgot about it in his taunting of Vaati. "That's okay," he says. "I'll just stick in the ground and back away…oh [censored]…" He trails off as he realizes that (1) his sleeve is caught tightly on the Roman Candle and (2) the fuse is now very short. "It's alright," he says cheerfully. "As long as my master Ganon survives, he will resurrect me without cease!""Ganondorf's not here anymore you moron!" shouts Link, running to cut off Zant's sleeve.

"Oh…well…"

**8:30 P.M.**

A loud explosion blows off Zant's head, mid "[censored]".

"Does this mean we don't need an eviction this week?" asks Navi.

"Don't be silly, that's just a flesh wound," sighs Midna. Sure enough, Zant's head is quickly re-growing.

"I learned that trick from an alien in New York who owns a pawnshop!" he says proudly, just as soon as he can talk again.

**9:00 P.M.**

The remaining fireworks are taken away and lawn chairs are brought out for the cast to relax in. As everyone leans back and relaxes, they are treated to a beautiful fireworks display in the sky, in all sorts of colors and patterns. Sniffling can be heard from Majora, Zant, and Midna.

"Rest in peace, Dancing Prince," sobs Majora.

"Rest in peace, Ms Fawcett," whispers Midna.

"Rest in peace, Oxyclean Man," wails Zant. "You're gone but not forgotten!"

"I know," mutters Link. "I can't forget today without therapy."

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Happy (late) 4th of July everyone!

R.I.P Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Billy Mays. T_T


	18. Week 4 Wednesday

_So sorry about the long wait! If any of you are interested, btw, please check out my recently-published fanfic "Titanic: The Legend Continues On"_

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**Week 4, Wednesday**

**6:00 A.M.**

Outside security cameras see a figure climbing out of the attic window and shimmying onto the roof. The figure pulls out a trumpet and quietly hums "And a-one, and a-two, and a -"

**6:05 A.M.**

An extraordinarily loud trumpet solo breaks out, waking up all of the cast members as well as several stray cats, two neighboring townships, and setting off a nearby car's alarm.

**6:07 A.M.**

"ZANT, GET BACK TO BED YOU [CENSORED] MORON!"

**6:15 A.M.**

Zant stands in the Confession Cam room to receive a stern lecture from Big Brother on the importance of consideration and how playing a trumpet loud enough to wake the dead at six in the morning is_ not_ considerate.

"But…but how was I supposed to know?" Zant whined. "No one ever told me that!"

"What, are you five years old?" asks Midna crossly from the door. "Maybe you should use that thing that your mama told you about. You know, your BRAIN?"

"I'll handle this, thank you Midna," says Big Brother irritably. "Go back to bed".

"I couldn't sleep! I didn't know it would bother anybody!" insists Zant.

"_Sure_ he didn't," grumbles Vaati as the cast ambles back to the bedroom.

"Sad thing is, I think he really didn't," sighed Midna.

As they leave, the cast hears the beginning of Big Brother's lecture: "Zant my boy, there's a reason why they call these God-forsaken hours 'mourning'…"

**10:00 A.M.**

After sleeping in, the cast awaken in a foul mood towards Zant. This is helped very little by the fact that it is his turn to cook and he is apparently looking for rancid products in the refrigerator. Vaati looks ill at the thought of what the final product will be and Link laments his lack of next-of-kin to take on his Hero of Hyrule mantle should he die in combat with the food. This comment prompts several waves of fan girl internet messages summed up as such: "Well _I'd_ help Link get a next-of-kin… ^_^"

**10:30 A.M.**

Truly terrible smells are beginning to arise from the kitchen. The cast are now honestly concerned for their health (except for Majora, who of course does not eat), and the evicted cast members still watching the show thank their lucky stars that they're not in the house anymore.

**10:45 A.M.**

A quiet debate breaks out as to whether one of the cast members should sneak into the kitchen to find out what's being made.

Vaati refuses on the grounds that he feels ready to throw up while in the living room, so actually entering the kitchen very well might cause him to go all the way.

Midna is not bothered by the scent at all, but doesn't want to interact with Zant any more than absolutely necessary. She abandons the rest of the cast to their fate and floats off to watch re-runs of _The X-Files_ on TV.

Link is unwilling to go as he fears that eating the food itself will require all of his strength. He swears he hears banging inside the kitchen and believes that the meal has actually come alive and "the last thing I need is to be captured by and have to fight a pot full of rotten meatballs or whatever."

Majora gets bored with the discussion and goes to haunt the garden for awhile. He becomes weirdly interested in a sunflower and spends the next half hour staring at it.

Navi is elected to go, as she is the best cook among them and can not only spy, but possibly provide some Damage Control. Though shaking, she agrees to take this bullet and do her duty for friends and for Hyrule.

**11:00 A.M.**

Navi cautiously floats into the kitchen, where bangs, clatters, and shouts can be heard. "Zant?" she asks. "Are you alright in here?"

"Hm?" calls Zant over the sound of…screaming? "Oh yes I'm fine, thank you. Things are going perfectly. Lunch should be ready shortly."

"What's that sound?" asks Navi.

"Oh, the main course is being a bit stubborn about going into the pot of boiling water, that's all."

"What?!?" cries Navi. "Zant, you know food has to be _dead_ before you cook it, don't you?"

"Of course I know that," says Zant indignantly. "I'm not throwing live animals into cooking pots, what kind of a kook do you think I am? I'm just fixing up some soup. Look!"

He holds up what appears to be a bright purple-and-orange striped cabbage, which is shaking like a Mattel toy. "See?" said Zant. "It's just a Zinthorian Cabbage, specialty of the Twilight Realm. I had Big Brother bring it in special."

**11:30 A.M.**

The horrified cast are updated on the status of lunch by Navi. Majora is for once glad he cannot eat and Vaati seriously considers faking his own death to skip lunch. Only Midna is not bothered. In fact, she seems to find the sickening aromas drifting into the living room to be "strangely reminiscent of home". Link mutters something about that explaining why the Twilight Realm smelled so bad when he went there before. Unfortunately, Midna hears him and tries to lob a pillow at him. Link reminds her that _he_ was there in wolf form for most of it and could hardly stay conscious.

**11:45 A.M.**

In a last ditch effort, Link goes to the Confessions Room and humbles himself enough to plead with Big Brother to bail them out by ordering take-out. Big Brother is still in a bad mood and refuses.

"Well can we skip lunch then?" Link asks.

"No," says Big Brother. "The Big Executive Twit- erm People want all of the cast members to attend meals together if at all possible. They want us to promote a more Family Friendly image."

"That's [censored] ludicrous!" snaps Link. "We've skipped meals before!"

"Tough cookies."

"You're just mad because Zant woke you up while you were in your hair curlers," says Link.

"Shut up," snarls Big Brother, who in fact uses a hair net.

Link, losing his temper entirely, tells Big Brother to go "suck a [censored] egg you [censored] pervert". Big Brother informs Link that the entire cast just lost any hope of being bailed out for dinner.

Meanwhile, the rest of the cast cringes as a loud crash can be heard in the kitchen, followed by a squeal and muffled cursing. A second later, Zant pokes his head out. "No no, don't worry everything's good. The parsely just tried to make a break for it, that's all!"

**12:00 Noon**

Lunch is served.

Only Midna and Zant are at the table. The rest of the cast have hidden themselves, and quite well. Big Brother starts to try to coax them all into the dining room, with no success. Then he goes on to increasingly alarming threats. When that does not work, he goes for Plan B: the teleportation vacuum. With a sadistic grin which no one is there to witness (much to his chagrin), he flips a switch and watches.

**12:15 P.M.**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"HELP!"

"MOTHER OF [CENSORED]!"

"Watch out for that -"

***crash***

"…lamp…"

**12:25 P.M.**

Link has been sucked by Mysterious Forces into the kitchen from the cabinet in the living room where he has been hiding. He is followed by Navi, who had been huddling behind the curtains.

Shortly after, they are joined by Vaati, who was boarded up in the attic. Because the suction could not actually pull him down, the teleportation bit went into play as he found himself beamed down to the kitchen, where he fell right on the dead center of the table onto the food. The lunch, angry with the intrusion, immediately growls and begins attempting to strangle him.

**12:30 P.M.**

Majora has still not been found. Big Brother notices a label on the machine and curses himself for not noticing it earlier ("Product does not work for ghosts or former gods")

The cast decide that five out of six isn't so bad and they ought to tuck in before Vaati dies of asphyxiation.

**12:40 P.M.**

All of the household supply of stomach medicines have been used up by Link alone, leaving Vaati and Navi in a lurch. Navi realizes that she possibly couldn't take the medicine anyway, as she does not appear to have a mouth (she is not entirely certain how she can even eat and suspects it has something to do with the "Scott Adams effect")

Vaati collapses in the living room, his stomach making horrendous growling noises. Zant is very concerned and rushes off to fetch the Wind Sorcerer a hot water-bottle. He apparently makes _no_ connection between Vaati's condition and the meal they just had.

**2:00 P.M.**

Zant and Majora retreat to the basement for the Dance of the Dead, a complex that has never been seen by human eyes, at least until Big Brother gets the footage from Basement Cameras 1-6 aired.

Midna meanwhile is bored out of her mind. Navi, Link, and Vaati appear to be in comas and are lying on any available surface. There's no one to talk to so she goes to her TV watching, catching HBO's premier of "Ocean's Twenty", staring George Clooney, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Andy Garcia, Bernie Mac, Don Cheadle, Casey Affleck, Scott Caan, Eddie Izzard, Eddie Jeminson, Shaobo Qin, Carl Reiner, Elliot Gould, Angelina Jolie, Ben Affleck, David Kayes, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Lassie, Pee Wee Herman, and Mr. T (delivering the infamous "I pity the fool that steals that money!")

**2:30 P.M.**

Midna notices a form looming behind her. "Oh hey Link, I didn't see you there. What's up?"

"DIE MOTHER-[CENSORED]S, DIE!"

**2:35 P.M.**

Link is standing in the middle of the living room, screaming at an unseen adversary. His eyes are glazed and his skin is pale and sweaty.

"Link?" asks Midna cautiously. "Are you alright?"

"IT'S HIM!" screams Link, pointing to the staircase banister. "HE'S HERE FOR US!"

"Who?" asks Midna, completely confused.

"_HIM_!" shouts Link. "HIM, THE ONE ON THE TV! THE ONE WHO TALKS LIKE A USED CAR SALESMAN! THE ONE WHO SPEWS SUCH OBVIOUS BULL[CENSORED] WITH EVERY WORD HE UTTERS!"

"_Kent Hovind_?"

**3:00 P.M.**

Things are getting even worse as Navi flies drunkenly out, singing the Sailor Moon theme song. She bumps into Link who starts yelling about a double assault between Hovind and Kirk Cobain.

"What's going on here?" Midna asks the closest camera in frustration. "_Do something_ damn it!"

"Just…try to keep them calm…" mutters Big Brother, who has no idea what's happening. "I'll have a doctor brought in as soon as I can. How is Vaati doing?"

Midna peers into the bedroom, where the Wind Sorcerer is hovering horizontally above the bed completely unconscious. "He at least seems to be doing alright," she says, floating back into the living room.

"Look!" laughs Navi drunkenly. "It's Bat Boy!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Son of a [CENSORED]!"

**3:45 P.M.**

After a lengthy struggle, a hysterical Vaati is lashed down to the bed with covers and silenced with a pillow shoved in his mouth.

"_Now_ what's wrong with him?" asks Midna. "He was doing just fine until Navi spoke…"

Big Brother meanwhile has been searching his desk and unearths a moldy folder that says "Cast Medical Records: Do Not Ignore!" He cautiously opens it and begins to examine the documents. One particular paper catches his eye. He reads it and utters a nasty expletive. "It appears," he says with as much dignity as he can muster, "that 'Bat Boy' was one of the words on Nurse Ratched's list of Things Not To Say. Apparently should he hear them, there was the possibility of him regressing into his former paranoid state."

"And you didn't leave us with a copy _why_?" asks Midna furiously.

"I wanted to see what would happen…"

"And what am I supposed to do with those two?" she asks, gesturing furiously to Link and Navi, who are wandering aimlessly around the living room, the former yelling at invisible people and the latter singing goofily. "_They_ certainly didn't regress into any former states!"

"Hmm," said Big Brother. "Perhaps something they ate didn't agree with them?"

"I'm not sure," replies Midna, biting her lip. "We just had Zinthorian-Hagis Soup prepared by Zant. Nothing bad. Do you think that was it?"

"I'm calling a doctor," replies Big Brother.

**4:00 P.M.**

Fifteen minutes of phone-cursing later, it appears that the soonest a doctor can arrive is tomorrow and the best Big Brother could procure is the Big Brother Maintenance Team armed with a stomach pump. While they set about finding one, Big Brother decides to cheer the remaining cast members up with Confession Cam.

_Link_ – _Link sits in front of the Confession Cam, shaking madly and muttering "He wants my soul…He wants my soul…But he shan't have it my precious, oh no…"_

_Midna_ – Why do I always have to deal with this stuff? Why? Why not Zant or Majora? I just wanted to watch _Smallville_. What's so wrong with that?

_Navi _– _Navi just floats in front of the Confession Cam humming Richard Stone songs._

_Zant_ – Did something happen while I was downstairs? No really, Link seems a bit out of it. Oh well, I guess I'll cheer him up with a nice dinner. Maybe something of the amphibious variety perhaps?

_Vaati_ – _Vaati is unable to make Confession Cam as he is tied to the bed and gagged with a pillow. His mother has sent an e-mail to be shared with viewers in the hopes that it will discourage anyone else from engaging in behavior potential leading to a mental-breakdown._

_Majora_ – Ah, the secret Dance Ritual. I bet you'd just _love_ to know what it's like, wouldn't you? Tough luck, that secret's _never_ getting out! HA HA HA!

**6:00 P.M.**

Zant serves dinner for two as the three invalids, stomachs pumped (except for Navi who apparently has no stomach), are asleep in the bedroom and Majora flat-out has no reason to eat. "It's a shame they're all missing this," sighs Zant as he twirls his seaweed-noodle hybrid food around his fork. "This is really good for fixing all that ails you."

"Different strokes for different folks," says Midna. "And watch your Red-Eared Slider Meatballs, they seem to be trying to crawl away again."

**9:00 P.M.**

Midna and Zant are preparing for bed. While Midna uses the bathroom to wash up, Zant changes into his pajamas. He seems to require a lot of concentration for this task and jumps when Link suddenly sits up at a ninety-degree angle and - before anyone can say a word - projectile vomits ala _Exorcist _all over Zant.

Midna comes rushing in to see an extremely irate Zant trying to wipe himself clean as Link blinks and wipes his mouth. "Erm, the bathroom's open if you need it…" she says uncertainly.

**9:30 P.M.**

Zant has taken advantage of the wonderful modern technology known as the "shower" and Link has apparently woken up from his stupor. He only partially remembers his hallucinations from that period of time but still shivers at the memories.

"It was the freakiest stuff I've ever seen," he mutters. "I never want to go back there…"

"You didn't have to throw up on me," says Zant indignantly as he gets into bed.

"Oh shut up," snaps Link. "Serves you right for feeding me such a vile meal."

"I'll have you know that I've sent several of my recipes to Martha Stewart herself!"

"Was that before or after she was arrested?"

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_Don't forget folks, eviction nominations are coming up! Drop me a PM, vote, or say your choices in a review! _:)


	19. Week 4 Thursday

_Apologies for the wait ladies and gentlemen and anyone else reading this. Things were put on hold for a bit due to an unforeseen bout with reality (never letting that happen again :P)_

* * *

**Week 4, Thursday**

**7:00 A.M.**

Given the extreme circumstances Link, Navi, and Vaati were put under the previous day, Midna opts to fix a light breakfast. Thankfully, she is more in touch with the human world than Zant and gives the three peanut butter on toast and some ginger ale from the refrigerator. Navi has recovered by this point. Vaati on the other hand continues to lie in bed moaning about how the British Royal family, the Rockefellers, and Barney the Dinosaur are all secretly aliens trying to steal the world's supply of apple butter.

"Well of course! _Everybody_ knows that," says Midna sarcastically as she shoves bits of toast into Vaati's mouth in between rants ("I'm telling you - oomph - it's *crunch* true! The government - can I have some water please? - is conducting espionage experi *crunch* ments in Area 51 and are - watch it, you got peanut butter up my nose - tracking the citizens through - that's actually pretty tasty - pennies!")

**9:00 A.M.**

Big Brother reminds the cast that the doctor he called for should be coming at any moment. He reminds everyone to be on their best behavior and not let things get out of control like the last time they had visitors over.

"Like it's _our_ fault two of them were killed by a psychotic rabbit," mutters Link.

**9:10 A.M.**

The doorbell rings. Midna answers it and is greeted by quite a sight: parked on the house's front lawn is a large green space ship. There is also rather large group of people standing in the doorway, a Jamaican man, a Chinese girl, a guy with orange hair, a girl with purple hair and one large eye, a very old man, and (oddly) a robot and something that looks like a humanoid lobster.

"Hey!" snaps the robot. "Are you gonna let us in or are we gonna have to break in ourselves?"

"Bender shut up," says the purple-haired cyclops. She turns to Midna. "This is Big Brother's house, right? We're the Planet Express."

"Sorry?" asks Midna in confusion.

"You know, Planet Express?" asks the orange-haired guy. "I'll bet you saw us on TV."

"Nope."

"Are you sure? They showed footage of us getting arrested on Neptune during last year's Super Bowl."

"Fry, please stop talking," interrupts the purple-haired girl.

"But Leela…"

"No. Zip it."

"Look," says Midna. "We're waiting for a doctor to examine some of our friends here."

"So you were," says the old guy. "I was certain we were here for some reason. Now if only I could remember it…"

Leela sighs and rolls her eye. "What Professor Farnsworth is trying to say is that we were the people contacted by Big Brother."

"You're all doctors?" asks Midna skeptically.

"Nope. Didn't even graduate Sex Ed in high school," says Fry proudly.

"_This_ is the doctor," says the Chinese girl. She proceeds to shove the humanoid lobster to the front of the group. "Meet Doctor Zoidberg!"

"Um…okay…" says Midna, now very confused.

"He's the team doctor," says the Jamaican man with a heavy accent.

"Then why are you here also?"

"Legal documentation" says the Jamaican man.

"Moral support," says the Chinese girl.

"Good times," says Fry.

"Checking out the babes and booze," says Bender.

"Parental supervision," says Leela.

"What am I doing here again?" asks Professor Farnsworth.

**9: 20 A.M.**

Midna shows the Planet Express crew into the Confession Cam room to introduce themselves to Big Brother. She then goes into the bedroom, where, she is greeted by Link.

"What's going on then?" he asks.

"A cyclops, an orange-haired guy, a Jamaican, a Chinese girl, an old man, a robot, and a human lobster just walked into the house," she explains. There is a long pause from Link. "Well?"

"I'm waiting for the punch line."

**9:30 A.M.**

Doctor Zoidberg marches expertly into the bedroom with a rolled-up blanket under his arm. "Alright now," he says in a thick Yiddish accent, "I'm the doctor, I'm here to make you all feel better." With a flick of his wrists, he unrolls the blanket to reveal a large number of sinister-looking probes, scalpels, and other medical instruments.

"Not very likely," says Link, literally turning pale.

"Now now, there's absolutely nothing to be concerned about," says the lobster good-naturedly. "You're a human then?"

"Hylian," Link corrects him.

"Oh don't worry, I have a tonic that'll clear that right up in no time."

**9:45 A.M.**

As Zoidberg begins his examinations, the Jamaican man heads for the Confession Cam room.

"Hermes, where are you going?" asks Leela.

"To get the paperwork filled out," Hermes calls back. "That's why I tagged along you know."

"Of course," says Leela with a sigh. She turns to Midna. "Look, sorry for dragging the whole circus here but I promise you we'll be gone just as soon as all six of you have had your examinations."

"All _six_ of us?!?" says Midna in alarm. "Only Vaati, Link, and Navi were sick!"

"That's funny, I thought there was a call for six. Hermes!" Leela calls.

Hermes pokes his head out of the Confession Cam room, a thick wad of papers at hand. "In accordance with the query sent at exactly four o'clock pm of yesterday, six medical examinations were requested by the first party - who shall henceforth be known as "Big Brother" - to obtain the services of the second party - who shall be henceforth referred to as "Dr. Zoidberg and the Planet Express".

"Sounds like a great name for a rock band," calls Fry, who has been making faces at the camera with Bender.

"Stop goofing off you lunatics," says Leela.

Bender responds by bending over and mooning the camera. "Bite my shiny metal ass!" he shouts proudly.

Midna meanwhile is furious with Big Brother. "Why, in the name of the Goddesses, did you feel the need to give us _all_ medical examinations?"

"There was a bulk discount," Big Brother explains.

**10:15 A.M.**

Fry and Bender are still showing off for the camera and are currently arguing over who is better at mooning the camera.

"Hey, my ass is shiny, magnetic, and forty percent titanium," insists Bender.

"Yeah? Well my ass has the secret to time travel tattooed on it!" counters Fry.

Meanwhile, a loud shriek from the bedroom brings Midna, Leela, and Professor Farnsworth running (or rather hobbling slowly in Farnsworth's case). They are greeted by the sight of Link in a paper hospital gown crouching defensively in the corner, holding Zoidberg at bay with a tongue depressor.

"What?" asks Zoidberg as they stare at him. "I was only trying to check his tonsils."

"I told you, _you were going in the wrong end_!" shouts Link.

"Zoidberg, remember that talk we had after the lawsuit from the old lady, the burglar, and her three cats?" asks Leela.

"Bah. I got the parts all back on the right bodies in the end."

"What's going on? What did I miss?" asks Professor Farnsworth, who shuffles slowly up to the back of the group and leans against the door frame panting heavily.

"It's okay, we've taken care of it," Leela assures him.

"Phooey. Now I'll have to walk back to the living room. A whole half-hour wasted…" the Professor looks sad but then his eyes light up as he spots Midna (at least the cast assumes they do under his coke bottle glasses). "Here now, what are you?" he asks.

"That's Midna. She's a Twili," says Majora cheerfully, popping up out of the floor.

"Hmm, thank you useful hallucination," says Professor Farnsworth. He turns and begins to look Midna over as she floats there uncomfortably. "Yes, I've made up my mind. I shall begin with her!"

"WHAT?" screams Midna.

"Professor, are you sure about this?" asks Leela.

"Of course, it's just a routine check-up. The sooner I get this done, the sooner we can leave and the more likely I am to remember the way home."

There is a loud crash from the living room. "Um, this painting wasn't expensive, was it?" calls Amy sheepishly. Leela sighs and goes to investigate, leaving Midna at the mercy of the Professor.

"Now don't worry," he assures her, "this won't hurt a bit. Now then, please answer the following questions: Number One - How many kidneys do you have and would you be willing to part with one of them?"

**10:30 A.M.**

Leela has just managed to repair the broken picture frame and get it back on the wall as Amy apologizes numerous times. Bender has wandered off somewhere, whistling suspiciously.

Fry has met Zant and the two hit it off immediately, seeing who does the better monkey imitation.

Hermes meanwhile is nearly driving Big Brother to madness. "So to reiterate," he says, "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."

"What does that even mean?" asks Big Brother in exasperation.

"What do you mean 'what does that mean'?" asks Hermes. "It means that the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."

"But what's it _mean_?" asks Big Brother. "Read it again."

"The whole thing?"

"No, just the first part."

"Which? The party of the first part?"

"No, the first part of the party of the first part."

"Alright," snaps Hermes. "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract. I don't see how this is so difficult!"

**11:00 A.M.**

Dr. Zoidberg has nearly finished his examination of Link. He seems convinced that Link is suffering from pointed-eared Amazonian disease and offers to perform an operation to cure it. Link refuses on the grounds that the surgery is basically a sex-change operation.

Midna is very unhappy after spending the past half hour dodging the professor's various syringes, probes, and other instruments. Fortunately, his eyesight is terrible and his reflexes are nil so it is not hard for her to avoid a lot of the pain. She manages to make excuses to escape to the kitchen to prepare lunch for everyone.

**11:15 A.M**

Bender joins Midna in the kitchen. "Hey, what're you up to?" he asks.

"Fixing lunch," she replies.

"Mind if I give you a hand? I can whip up a _mean_ grey imp stew."

Midna glares at him. "Don't even think about it."

While they bicker, Amy wanders in. "Hey guys, mind if I hang around?"

"Yes," says Bender.

"Whatever," says Midna.

"Thanks," Amy says. "I'm just so bored. Dr. Zoidberg's busy trying to find the eyes, ears, a nose, and throat on that fairy, the professor is sucking the ghost dude up into a weird vacuum cleaner, Leela's refueling the ship's tank, Hermes and that Big Brother guy are working on the contracts, and Fry and that weirdo in the robes and helmet are checking each other's hair for nits. I'm bored."

"Well alright," sighs Midna. "You can help us. Go into the cabinet across the room and get out a loaf of bread."

"You're probably going to regret that," mutters Bender as Amy runs off.

"Why?"

***crash***

"Daa sei lei!"

"I'll get a shovel," sighs Bender as Midna flies off to unbury Amy from the mountain of food packages and kitchen utensils which have fallen on her.

**11:20 A.M.**

Hermes and Big Brother are reviewing the contract still.

"Now we will move on to the second clause of our contract," says Hermes. He clears his throat and reads, "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part."

"I don't get that either," says Big Brother in a muffled voice (he evidently has his head buried in his hands).

"What's not to get?" asks Hermes impatiently. "Honestly man, you didn't get the first party and now you don't get the second party."

"I tend to prefer my parties with a DJ, booze, and lots of women," says Big Brother. "Those ones make a lot more sense."

**12:00 Noon**

"Lunchtime!" calls Midna from the dining room.

"I'll go get the others," says Leela and walks into the bedroom. "Hey guys, time for - what the hell?"

Vaati is still lying on the bed babbling incoherently. Link is nowhere to be seen (Garden Camera 4cd catches him darting behind a large tree while pulling on his tunic and leggings. Evidently he escaped examination via the bedroom window). The professor is fiddling with some sort of suction device and Zoidberg suspiciously has his back turned to Leela and is unusually quiet…

"Alright, what's going on in here?" she asks.

"What was that?" asks Farnsworth.

"Zoidberg, what're you doing?"

"Nothing!" insists the lobster doctor. But it comes out instead like "Mmmfing!"

"Turn around."

Sheepishly he does so. His mouth is clamped tight and small amounts of sparkles can be see between his lip appendages.

"Help!" squeaks Navi.

"Doctor! That's your patient!" says Leela shocked.

"Alright, alright!" says Zoidberg, spitting Navi out. "I just wanted a little taste, that's all."

"And Professor, what's that you've got there?"

"This?" asks the Professor. "Oh, it's my latest gadget, the Poltergust 3000. Perfect for sucking up spirits."

"That's great, but what spirits are there to suck up?" asks Leela.

"Oh, has anyone seen Majora? I want to introduce him to Fry!" calls Zant.

"Let me out!" comes a voice from the Poltergust 3000.

**12:15 P.M.**

Efforts to free Majora from the Poltergust 3k have thus far been unsuccessful. Farnsworth seems to have built the machine quite well, but unfortunately has forgotten _how_ he built it and thus is unable to open it up. Zant becomes increasingly frantic about his friend's predicament and is beginning to get rather hysterical. Midna stands by with several ropes, all too willing to hog tie him if need be.

Finally, hungry and thoroughly frustrated, Leela opts to simply perform a jump-kick and karate chop on the machine.

"Haiiii-ya!" she screams, smacking away at it. It shakes ominously and begins to smoke. Big Brother nervously begins to check how much homeowner's insurance the house has. Fortunately, the device splits neatly in two and Majora flies out, horrified.

"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?" he screams at Professor Farnsworth.

"You were a non-corporeal being. I simply _had_ to measure your ectoplasm," the professor says a little too giddily, rubbing his hands together.

"Yech," sputters Amy.

"Non…corporeal?" asks Majora cautiously.

"You don't have a body," says Leela, not noticing the other cast members making frantic "SHUT UP!" signs with their faces and hands.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

**12:30 P.M.**

After much screaming, fussing, arguing, pleading, threats, and poltergeist activities (the last courtesy of Majora), the cast and Planet Express crew are all finally in the kitchen having a nice lunch of stew and eggplant patties.

"Mm, this is actually pretty good," says Leela as everyone starts on second helpings. "What sort of meat did you use for the stew Bender? Pork? Beef? Chicken?"

"Nope," says the robot. "Didn't have enough time to use anything in the refrigerator after cleaning up" (Amy blushes at this) "So, I used a dead squirrel from the back porch and topped it off with some tofu cubes."

Link, Amy, and Fry promptly spit out whatever's in their mouths at this.

At the other end of the table, Hermes tries to chat up Midna with some tax talk. "Riveting," she says sarcastically as he begins to explain the subtle similarities between income tax returns and limbo sticks.

"Isn't it?" he replies cheerfully, missing the sarcasm. "Zoidberg, slow down man!"

Zoidberg, who has been eating directly out of the pot, looks up with gravy and chunks of meat (and tofu) over his face. "What? I'm hungry. You wouldn't let me eat the fairy!"

In their own little world, Majora continues to rave about being stuck in the Poltergust 3000. "It was so…so _humiliating_!" he sobs. "Like I wasn't a real thing at _all_!"

"I know," says Zant sympathetically. "I was locked up in a parallel dimension with Ganondorf once, so I know how you feel. And the Royal Family of the Twili booted me. It's terrible to be unloved."

"It helps if you aren't bat[censored] insane," mutters Midna.

"Being abandoned is a terrible thing," says Fry, chipping in. "I once followed this girl from my math class to her apartment and she just turned around, locked me in the closet, and called the police on me! I couldn't believe she'd just betray me like that!"

"Did she give you permission to come in?" asks Leela.

"Not in words no. But the way she threw rocks at me when I asked her out, she just _had _to have feelings."

**1:00 P.M.**

Having finished lunch, everyone returns to their previous tasks. Hermes begins once more to drive Big Brother insane with the medical consent forms ("Space diarrhea? Why the [censored] would I need to sign you not responsible for _that_?").

In the bedroom, Zoidberg has given up on trying to figure out how Navi talks, eats, cries, or goes to the bathroom (as she has no eyes, mouth, or other…areas). He chalks it up to "fairy magic, horray!" and moves on to examining a fidgety Zant.

Professor Farnsworth meanwhile has turned his attention to Vaati, who is still tied to his bed and whom everyone has, up until this moment, forgotten about. He lies there weakly, muttering about Communist gorillas in Alaska ("How will Palin deal with it? Someone needs to put them in zoos…or shoot them from helicopters!")

"Oh dear. How long has he been like this?" Farnsworth asks the room in general.

Zant glances away from Zoidberg, who is coming ominously closer with a small mallet. "Since yesterday. A task drove him insane until he turned into a - *OUCH*!

"Turned him into an 'ouch'?" the professor asks gravely as Zant rubs his sore shin, courtesy of Zoidberg's mallet. "That _is_ serious. Let me see what I can do…"

**1:15**

"I said it turned him into a _CONSPIRACY THEORIST_!!!" screams Zant for the tenth time.

Farnsworth looks up and cups his ear deafly. "What's that? I can't hear you."

"A CONSPIRACY THEORIST! HE THINKS AMERICAN NEVER LANDED ON THE MOON, OUR PRESIDENT IS AN ILLEGAL ALIEN FROM MARS, ALIENS ARE ALIVE AND WELL IN ROSEWELL AND ELVIS IS STILL ALIVE!!!"

"Well Elvis _is_ still alive," says Farnsworth as Zoidberg looks nervous at the mention of "Rosewell" ("No one can prove a thing…") "But that doesn't matter now. A conspiracy theorist…hmm, that is quite alarming indeed… We might need a different form of treatment…"

Farnsworth looks over Vaati, who is swathed in bandages from head to foot in bandages in an attempt to cure his case of "ouch".

"Just be careful, okay?" asks Zant. "I want to evict him this week and I can't if he's dead. And you're supposed to hit my _knee_ with that you idiot!" he adds, turning to Zoidberg who has, in the past fifteen minutes, used the mallet to hit Zant's thigh, feet, right shoulder, gut, head (luckily the helmet was on) and his "poor tender floozelhiz".

**1:30 P.M.**

Zant staggers out, black and blue all over, with Zoidberg having finally located his knee and decided his reflexes were fine. The doctor does however prescribe a bottle of liquid medicine for both Majora and Zant's complaints of aches and pains (the former deity is insisting that his pride was injured while he was in the Poltergust 3K).

Link meanwhile remembers that he left his boots in the bedroom and runs in to retrieve them. He enters to find that Farnsworth has somehow procured a rather sinister-looking machine with numerous electrodes hooked up to every available surface of Vaati's body.

"Oh dear, am I in your way?" Professor Farnsworth asks kindly as Link stares.

"Umm…no," mutters Link. "I was just passing through…I think I'm going to go now, I've got to go do…stuff…"

**2:00 P.M.**

The house lights begin to flicker.

**2:03 P.M.**

Every electric appliance in the house shuts off. A loud scream of pain can be heard from the bedroom.

**2:07 P.M.**

The scream has not stopped for air yet.

**2:14 P.M.**

The cast have lit candles until the Big Brother Maintenance Staff can get the lights up and running again.

Professor Farnsworth comes out of the room smiling happily. "Good news everyone! I have your friend fixed!"

The cast rush into the bedroom, where they find Vaati. He is no longer tied down, attached to the machine, or muttering, but does appear to be smoking slightly.

"Once the aftershock wears off, he'll be right as rain," the professor assures them.

**2:20 P.M.**

Leela and Fry extract Hermes from the Confession Cam Room, just in the nick of time as Big Brother was seriously considering committing suicide via a paperweight shaped like Richard Nixon's face (not the best thing to see before one dies).

"We'll bill 'ya later!" Hermes calls as he is led to the door.

"Thanks for putting up with us. Sorry if we caused too much trouble," says Leela.

"Oh that's alright. Today's weirdness was pretty much on par with most others," Midna assures her.

"Speak for yourself," mutters Link wearily.

Leela turns to Fry, who is back to doing monkey impersonations with Zant and Majora. "Fry, stop being an idiot and get in the ship!"

"Aw! But they were just initiating me into their Simians of the Trade Club!" Fry protests.

"Now."

Fry bids his new friends a tearful farewell and follows Zoidberg and Farnsworth onto the Planet Express Delivery ship. Leela calls once more through the house: "Amy! Time to go!"

Amy comes into the living room looking agitated. "I can't find my gold bracelet. I'm sure I had it on when I got here…"

"I've got it," says Leela as she grabs Bender, who is trying to sneak onto the ship while whistling in a very guilty manner. "Open up Bender!"

Bender jumps and protests but finally has his chest hatch opened up to reveal Amy's bracelet, Link's Spiritual Stones, Zant's Twili-rock-fused spatula, and some spare change.

"My Spiritual Stones! What the [CENSURED]?!?"

"Oh, like you wouldn't have done the same in my place?" Bender asks grumpily as Leela hands the cast and Amy back their items.

"No, I _wouldn't_ have," snarls Link.

"Yeah? Well…bite my shiny metal ass!"

**3:00 P.M.**

The lights are still not on. Big Brother, in need of some sort of routine comfort, has the cast come to the Confession Cam Room for eviction nominees (evidently the cameras are powered by an independent source, later described by Big Brother Maintenance Employees as "state-of-the-art power generators, run by the finest hamsters in wheels with the most delicious carrots dangled in front of them").

_Link_ – Again, I want to vote for Navi. What does she ever do around here? Nothing! She's annoying! I don't have to put up with her anymore! Oh, and Vaati too. Seriously, he's way more trouble than he's worth.

_Midna_ – I want to vote out ZANT! GET HIM OUT OF HERE! How many more weeks to I need to put up with him? And Navi, get rid of her! I did better helping Link out than she did. At least I could turn him into a [censored] wolf and spring him from prison. When'd she ever do something like that, huh?

_Navi _– Hello! I want to vote for Vaati because I think he ought to get out of here so he can rest. He didn't sound very happy when he was being electrocuted. And Majora, because he really is silly. I was nearly eaten and complained less than he did!

_Zant_ – I want to vote for Vaati because there's too much Evil Villain competition. Oh, and Navi because…well this is embarrassing but I _think_ I'm allergic to her sparkles. Better safe than sorry, you know.

_Vaati_ – Uh…my head hurts…I want to vote for Majora because…because I don't like him. And Link for the same reasons…I need to lie down…

_Majora_ – I want to vote for Midna because she just left me in that Poltergust thing and didn't bother to save me at _all_. Couldn't she have done _something_? And Navi because…well she's too darned cheerful. Is she on anti-depressants or something?

**5:00 P.M.**

The cast enjoy a romantic dinner of ham and cheese sandwiches and leftover stew (which Link absolutely refuses to touch) by candlelight.

**5:15 P.M.**

The lights are back on!

Big Brother announces the nominees for the week: Vaati, Navi, and Majora.

"Why am I always nominated?" asks Vaati furiously.

"Why _isn't_ Zant nominated?" screams Midna.

**6:00 P.M.**

Link and Midna are watching the baseball game on the television as Navi fixes snacks in the kitchen.

"Hey guys?" calls Navi floating into the living room. "I think something weird's going on with Zant and Majora…"

"Something's _always_ weird with them," says Midna. "Tell us when they're not being weird, that's newsworthy."

"No, they're just really…"

As Navi trails off, Zant and Majora stumble in drunkenly, laughing and very incoherent.

"Hey guysh!" says Zant, swaying side to side. "Whazzup?"

"The…ceiling?" asks Link, trying to figure out what's up with them.

"Ha ha, youso funny! No wonder you're the Hero of Hyrile…Highrise…Hyrooligan…Hy…well you get it…"

Majora begins to laugh like a hyena at this until he falls over. Being insubstantial, he falls through the floor, promptly cutting him off mid-cackle.

"They're hammered," Link realizes. "It's just like when I drank that month-old Lon Lon Milk Malon gave me for my birthday two years ago."

"Youso smart too!" chuckles Zant. He moves to lean against the nearest piece of furniture so that he doesn't fall over. Unfortunately, this is a coffee table and he trips over it, falling with a loud crash. "Hey? Wanna hearus shing?"

"Um, no," says Midna decisively. "You should lie down. You're obviously not feeling well."

"We feel fine, yesshir, fine as can be. We've been taking Doctor Zoimer…Zoinker…Zoilearn…Bob's medicine every half hour. Tastes great!"

"Yeah, I think that's the problem," says Link cautiously as Navi anxiously hovers around the room.

"No problem," insists Zant happily. "C'mon, lesshing!" He bangs on the floor with his fist, amazingly and against all odds somehow missing it a few times. "Hey Mayora…Majorna! Come up here and shing with me!"

Majora floats up through the floor and the two begin to sing - not starting at the same time, and at different tempos and keys - "Sweet Rosy O'Grady" at the lowest possible vocal range.

Vaati chooses that time to enter the room. "Hey guys, sorry I'm late. What inning is it and what's the status of the game?"

"It's the bottom of the fifth and the bases are loaded," replies Link, rolling his eyes.

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_Get it? _^^

_Right, and don't forget to drop a review voting for who you want evicted this week (or just drop a review anyway, I'm none too picky_).


	20. Week 4 Friday

_Hi guys, sorry for the delay! My USB stick freaking broke so I lost a lot of stuff on it. Nothing important, but what I had done of this episode was one of the lost things. I also just spent all of November devoting virtually all of my writing energies to my NaNoWriMo story (50k words in a month, go me). Anyway, thank you for being so patient and I hope you enjoy!_

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**Week 4, Friday**

**8:00 A.M.**

The cast have their breakfast more or less incident-free (imagine that) with very little conflict besides Zant and Majora complaining loudly about the headaches they have as a side effect of their "medicine". Annoyed with their groans, Midna floats to the medicine cabinet and procures some Excedrin.

"Are you sure it's alright to give them that?" asks Link as she passes out the appropriate dosages. "You know that stuff's got caffeine in it…"

"Ah, it'll be fine," says Midna, who apparently has never heard of the phrase "famous last words".

_Big Brother producers would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that they are not prominently displaying Excedrin on the show like this for product placement. They were just paid oodles of money to make sure it is in plain sight to up sales._

**9:30 A.M.**

Midway through breakfast, the cast are reminded by Big Brother to gather in the living room and await further instructions. Thus, when breakfast is done they dutifully stack the dishes in the sink and hang around as per their orders.

"How exciting! Do you think we're getting a new task? We haven't had one for so long!" squeals Navi, hopping up and down in the air somehow.

"Be quiet you hyperactive light show," snaps Vaati, who is still recovering from his "treatment" and the shock of finding himself on Eviction Row yet again.

Link meanwhile has fallen asleep in a reclining chair, his head tipped back, mouth open, and gentle snores escaping. Majora gleefully points this out to Zant. With a roguish grin, Zant procures a Silver Sharpie from his robe sleeve (no one is sure where he got it or why he kept it stored there) and slips completely silently over to Link. With almost inaudible chuckles, he proceeds to begin doodling on Link's face.

**10:00 A.M.**

"This is Big Brother!" booms the familiar voice through the speaker, taking everyone by surprise and making then jump. Unfortunately, it also causes Zant to jerk his hand which results in the Sharpie being jammed up Link's left nostril. The Hero of Hyrule is _not_ happy.

"COME BACK HERE YOU SON OF A [CENSORED]!" he screams wildly, chasing after Zant, who wisely decides to get the hell out of dodge, throwing furniture in his wake. In the process, a potted plant is violently shattered and the ceramic shards pierce every camera in the living room. Cue a ten minute blackout for the viewing audiences.

**10:25**

The living room cameras are working once again thanks to a very underpaid Big Brother Maintenance Staff, Link has walloped Zant with an ottoman, and things appear to be as settled as they're going to get. Big Brother waits until things are sufficiently quiet before clearing his throat and beginning. "As you all probably guessed," he says, "You've got a lovely new task cooked up for you."

"Fantastic," says Midna sarcastically. "What's this one? Scuba diving with man-eating piranhas?"

"Most certainly not!" says Big Brother indignantly, mentally storing that away as a potential future task. "Today's task is much simpler: dancing."

"Dancing?" asks Link in disbelief.

"_Dancing_?" repeats Midna dumbly.

"Dancing?!? _Dancing_? Oh joy!" laughs Zant, jumping gaily around the room. "I do so love a good dance! The exercise, the beautiful clothes, the music, the -" He breaks off abruptly, realizing that everyone is staring at him.

"Yes, dancing," says Big Brother, who appears determined to ignore that spectacle. "You will all be broken into pairs and perform a dance-off. We're not expecting anything perfect, just entertain us."

"Hah," mutters Link humorlessly. "Next time I want to degrade myself for entertainment I'll open a stage show with Tingle. At least that way I'd make some money off of it."

"If you win this, you'll get plenty of money," Vaati reminds him.

"Yeah, or a gift card for the Cheesecake Factory."

"Question!" chirps Navi. "How are Majora and I supposed to participate in this? I don't have arms and lets. And Majora…"

"_YESSSSSS_?" Majora hisses dangerously and Navi wisely shuts up.

"Not to worry," says Big Brother cheerfully. "I've got that all worked out. I've had special robotic bodies brought in, just for this purpose. Little hatch in the back, so you just slip in and control them from the inside."

"I guess that would work…" says Navi uncertainly.

"One other thing," chimes in Vaati. "How are things being broken up for dancing? There are four guys and two girls - or close enough to girls I guess. ("Suck it," snaps Midna)"

"Yeah!" says Link. "I will _not_ dance with another guy!"

"That's been taken care of as well," Big Brother assures them. "Now stand by for dancing pairs to be announced.

**10:35 A.M.**

Pairs are as follows:

_Vaati and Midna_

_Zant and Navi_

_Link and Majora_

Predictably, this leads to _more_ bickering and whining.

"What???" exclaims Vaati. "Why do _I_ have to dance with that stupid grey imp-thing?"

"Shut up and be grateful," Midna retorts. "At least you weren't paired with Zant."

"I was," comments Navi. "Is there something wrong with that?"

Zant meanwhile has his head buried in his hands (or his helmet at least) muttering, "The light ball. I'm going to be dancing with the hyperactive sparkily light ball."

"What is the meaning of this?" Link demands. "I told you I won't be dancing with a guy!"

"And I told you everything was taken care of," Big Brother reminds him. "Now everybody _will_ dance with their designated partners."

"I won't," says Link stubbornly and childishly, turning his back on Camera 3e (which he had been referring to for this conversation) and folding his arms.

"Yes you will," says Big Brother darkly. "Or else…"

"Or else what?"

"Or else I decide that you aren't looking well and call back Dr. Zoidberg for another check-up."

"So," says Link clapping his hands, "who's leading?"

**10:45 A.M.**

The cast members have been directed to various rooms where Big Brother has placed a little something for each of them to help get into the mood for the task. Unfortunately for viewers, everyone by now is smart enough to cover up the cameras for privacy. This earns Big Brother a round of verbal abuse from the producers and prompts him to decide that another lecture on leaving the cameras alone is in order.

**10:50 A.M.**

Link is the first to emerge, walking carefully out of the bedroom. He steps out wearing a wonderful 18th century suit, complete with a top hat, cummerbund, spats, and gold cuff links. The silver mustache only enhances his gentlemanly image. He pauses in front of a mirror to adjust his sleeves, giving Camera 14a ample opportunity to record him looking particularly dashing. This particular piece of footage is later estimated to have more than doubled the number of viewers - most of them fan girls - and inspired bizarre Legend of Zelda/Pride and Prejudice fan fiction ("Miss Bennet?" "Mr. Link?")

**11:00 A.M.**

Vaati comes forth from the bathroom. He is wearing a custom-made light purple suit which somehow goes very well with his grey skin and hair and red eyes. The wind sorcerer is not very happy with the idea of having to dress up though, and flops grumpily into a chair. "Anyone else out yet?" he asks.

"Not yet," says Link, still trying futilely to wipe off the mustache. "Ah hang on a second -" he pauses, listening carefully, "Yes, I can hear someone coming out of the kitchen."

"So Navi's done then," says Vaati.

The two men watch the doorway to see what Navi will be wearing. They gasp as they see, stepping carefully in fancy heels, is Cher. In a huge frilly dress obviously inspired by the one from _Beauty and the Beast_.

"Hey!" says Cher in Navi's voice. "What do you guys think? This thing's a little hard to work, but I think I'll have the hang of it by the time we get to the dancing."

"Oh wow…" mutters Link. He turns to the nearest camera. "So, why Cher?" he asks Big Brother.

"That's the robotic duplicate of the singer formerly known as Cher," comes the reply. "I always found her to be an unknown treasure. Under appreciated talent. A figure with beauty that is not of our convention and severely and unjustly ignored."

"In other words that was the cheapest model," guesses Link.

"Shut up," snaps Big Brother.

"I'm bored," announces Vaati. "Why are the others taking so long?"

"Majora has to work on his own robotic body," Link reminds him. "Zant, well who knows with him?"

"And what's Midna's excuse? She's taking way to long to change, even if she is in a linen cupboard."

"I'm here, Mister High-And-Impatient," snaps the Twili from the other side of the room.

"Ah, Midna!" calls Link cheerfully. "Vaati was just saying you were taking too long coming out of the closet!"

"Har har," she mutters. "What's wrong with purple-boy there?"

"I…I…" mutters Vaati gaping.

"What's wrong?" Link asks him. "Haven't you seen Midna's True Form before?"

Sure enough, the Twilight Princess has changed from imp to smoking hot, with a drop-dead sexy silk gown complete with shifting colors. "Close your mouth wind boy," she snaps at Vaati. "You're drooling."

"Abba…" mumbles Vaati, which seems about as near to coherent speech as he can get at the moment.

"Alright," says Navi nervously and launches into a rendition of _Dancing Queen_.

**11:13 A.M.**

Zant has still not emerged so Link climbs up to the attic to fetch him. He pokes his head through the trap door to see the Twili contorted bizarrely in a mess of limbs and clothes.

"Oh, hi!" he pants as he struggles with the suit he is trying to put on. "I'm sorry I'm taking so long, this thing's just giving me a bit of…trouble…"

"I'm not surprised," comments Link. "You look like you have your left arm through the head hole, your right leg in right arm hole, your left leg in the right leg hole, your right arm in the left arm hole and your head in the left leg hole."

"Is that not right?"

**11:25 A.M.**

After much cursing and struggling, Link has finally gotten Zant into the suit correctly and the two come downstairs to meet the others. Midna seems intrigued by the sight of Zant in a suit and wishes she had a camera. Zant, on the other hand, takes one look at Navi-as-Cher and seems much less than impressed. It seems that cultural values play a part in this doomed interspecies relationship, as Zant later comments to the Confessions Cam "I mean…she's not even grey!"

"Is Majora out yet?" asks Link.

"Yes, of course!" says Vaati sarcastically. "We were just hiding him from you."

"Shut up," snaps Link and storms off to the basement entrance to find his dancing partner.

**11:30 A.M.**

"Open up down there!" Link demands, pounding on the basement door.

"No!" comes the stubborn reply, muffled through the wood. "I'm not coming!"

"What? Like [Censored] you aren't! We're doing this task and I'm _not_ going to look like an idiot dancing by myself. Now COME OUT OF THERE!"

Sensing that Link's patience was truly ending, Majora quietly opens the door. The cast gather in anticipation to see…Michelle Obama.

**11:33 A.M.**

"And I thought it was some sort of a mistake but it was the only body there and I feel like such an idiot and people used to _worship_ me and I'M SO UPSET!" sobs the former deity-turned-First Lady, sinking into his/her favorite chair in the living room.

"It's alright!" says Zant who seems rather hysterical from his friend's sadness. "It's not like it's forever!" He turns desperately to the rest of the cast and gestures for them to back him up.

"Um…yeah…right," mutters Vaati who seems rather stunned between the appearances of Cher, Hot Midna, and Michelle.

Midna is unable to say anything, owing to the fact that she is flat on her back laughing. This does absolutely nothing to reassure Majora, who launches into tears anew.

"Oh shut up," says Link. "What's wrong with Michelle Obama anyway? She's smart, she's classy, she's got huge…tracts of land…"

"Go on Link, how were you originally going to end that sentence?" asks Midna from the floor.

Zant turns furiously to the nearest camera. "Why did you pick this? Why not a male model befitting of Majora's status as a fallen god? Like Brad Pit?"

"I couldn't use a male robot," explains Big Brother. "That would have meant two men dancing together and the producers felt this was unwholesome for the viewing audiences."

"And impersonating the First Lady isn't?"

"You should be grateful," says Big Brother sulkily. "That was one of the best models, it cost a lot of money."

"_I_ think it's great," says Link.

"See there? Your dance partner likes it."

"So?" asks Midna. "That just means he's a leach."

"Excuse me, princess?"

"Right," said Big Brother, who's obviously had enough. "That's the body there is and that's the body you're wearing. No more fussing now, or there will be repercussions and you will _not_ be happy with them.

**11:53 A.M.**

Majora has been calmed enough go through with the task, though he sternly reminds Link to keep his hands to himself.

As it is nearly lunchtime they are all told to go into the dining room where they will find another surprise for the event.

"Wow," whispers Navi as they go in.

The room has been completely made over with lots of beautiful paper decorations. A white linen tablecloth is weighed down with good china, crystal goblets, and real silverware. A band of musicians shoved in the corner play "My God Nearer To Thee". Link, Midna, and Majora are likewise impressed and Zant (who has apparently become used to eating out of his lap on paper plates and plastic forks) nearly goes into spasms of joy at the sight.

"How…I…wah?" he sputters.

"Well, you guys have all been troopers so I thought you deserved a little something," says Big Brother almost fondly.

"Thank you!" squeals Navi.

"Yes!" echoes Majora. "It almost makes me forget that I'm in a woman's body."

**12:15 P.M.**

Lunch has been served, via three very well dressed hired waiters. Midna picks at her turkey and cranberries while Navi tucks into the caviar, apparently enjoying the strange taste quite a bit. Link wonders why there isn't any wine and is told that the producers want to set a good example for younger viewers (that and they fear what would happen if Zant or Majora got drunk again). Link is provided with grape juice.

Majora is having his usual strange conversations with Zant and has been automatically eating his meal before he realizes something fantastic.

"I can _eat_!!!" he screams, causing everyone to jump.

"Yes, you can eat," says Midna, rubbing her ears.

"Oh how I missed eating so much!" Majora shouts, jumping up and down on his seat. He turns over the caviar and Navi starts to cry.

"Way to ruin the mood," mutters Vaati sarcastically while Link seems to love watching Majora jump up and down in that particular form.

**12:46 P.M.**

Big Brother urges the cast to finish eating soon and enter the living room. The person hired to provide the music will be there soon.

"Who'd you get?" asks Link. "Emmet Otter's Jug Band?"

"Har har no," said Big Brother, who had tried, only to find that they were booked solid for months. "I got someone _much_ classier. Now, get into the living room!"

"Alright," says Link getting up. "I'm going, hold your - holy [censored]!"

Like the dining room, the living room has been completely made over for the task. The curtains had a lovely white lacy cloth pinned over them and a beautiful crystal chandelier was hanging from the ceiling. The furniture has been moved aside leaving the floor empty. The Big Brother Maintenance Employees are meanwhile just finishing up unrolling the Acme Insta-Ballroom Floor which has been rented.

Vaati gives an impressed whistle as they take all of this in. "How did you afford all of this?" he asks. "You can't even afford brand name toilet paper".

"Oh, various ways," says Big Brother evasively.

**12:55 P.M.**

The doorbell rings. Majora runs to answer it. He is joyous now that he has become aware of the fact that he can feel, taste, and touch things again and grips the doorknob for a full minute before the cast reminds him three times to open the door. He finally does so to reveal a strange-looking youth with multiple face piercings and tattoos. Most of his hair has been shaved off and what is left seems to be dyed black and purples.

"Hey, this Big Brother's place?" he asks cheerfully.

"Who in God's name are you?" asks Big Brother, appalled.

"I'm your entertainment for this fine event."

"No you're not! I hired Yo Yo Ma, the famous concert celloist!" Big Brother insists.

"So you did," the guy says. "That's who I am - Yo Yo, Ma man, I'm here to be your DJ! I knwo I got your request, so just let me go set up."

"I…they…ugh," groans BB who now severely regrets whatever blip of insanity caused him to see a twenty-dollar booking as a reputable way to get a concert musician. "You have classical dance music, don't you?"

"B-man, I've got whatever music you need."

"Do _not_ call me that," Big Brother snarls as Link gives a loud snort of laughter.

**1:15 P.M.**

Now that the DJ equipment has been set up, it is time to start the event!

"Everyone ready?" asks Big Brother, who seems determined to make the most out of this task even if it kills him. "Time to get paired up!"

All of the cast get together accordingly, though no one seems totally comfortable with the traditional dance position. Zant does not seem very willing to touch his partner and Navi has still not quite gotten used to her robotic body. Midna threatens Vaati with a fiery death if he does not place the hand around her waist at a higher point on her back. Majora meanwhile reminds Link that while he might be incredibly gorgeous he _is_ in fact a god and should Link make any attempts to kiss him, the Hero of Hyrule would find himself and his descendents cursed for twelve generations.

"Big [Censored] deal," says Link dismissively. "My entire family line has spent their days saving Zelda and fighting Ganondorf along with whatever idiots he recruits. I can't see any curse worse than that."

**1:20 P.M.**

In keeping with Big Brother's request, Yo Yo Ma has started off with a nice easy peace, the Blue Danube. Though there is the usual trips and spills as the dancing starts up, the cast eventually begins to settle into a nice, rhythmic pattern as they go around the dance floor.

"Aren't you going to compliment my dress?" Navi asks Zant.

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't like it."

"Oh," says Navi. She contemplates this for a moment. Then, "I thought you liked it. You looked like you were smiling."

"I was wincing in pain because you were stepping on my feet," Zant explained. "Which is quite an accomplishment, when you consider that I'm floating to match your height."

On the other side of the room, Midna and Vaati seem to be holding up fairly well.

"You...um...you look lovely this evening," Vaati says nervously.

"Why don't you just come out and say you like my breasts and be done with it?" asks Midna, rolling her eyes.

**1:31 P.M.**

"Alright, you Hyrulians and ladies and dudes that look like ladies," says Yo Yo Ma, "This next song is dedicated to the B-man!"

_"_"_Don't call me that_!" says Big Brother irritably as the song _Bacchanale_ is put on and the cast settle in to another dance.

**1:36 P.M.**

The song tempo has been gradually increasing and getting much wilder. The cast members are forced to start dancing quicker which leads to some more hijinks, including Navi tripping and accidentally knocking Zant over, Majora chasing Link around the dance floor for for stepping on the dress hem and ripping it, and Midna leaning over to fix the strap on her high heeled shoe, leaving Vaati a few seconds to enjoy the show and thank the Goddesses he was alive and a man.

**1:50 P.M.**

Even the DJ has apparently gotten caught up in the excitement of the music. "Alright all you lords and lasses!" he screams into his microphone. "This song is for party dudes and dudettes only!"

A few seconds later, _Love and Memories _comes on. Waltzing is instantly forgotten as everyone immediately begins moshing to it.

"No! I told you I wanted classical music!" shouts Big Brother.

"Relax, it's all good fun," laughs Yo Yo Ma. "Take a chill pill, B-man!"

"Don't call me that!" Big Brother replies furiously, however no one is listening to him; Midna has just conjured up a table and is dancing on it, which cast members and viewers alike agree is much more interesting (viewers are able to vote on this still at the poll on the _Big Brother_ official website).

**2:03 P.M.**

The DJ is now playing _Hips Don't Lie_ by Shakira and Big Brother has apparently given up on restoring order.

"You know, this isn't as bad now," Navi comments. "How are you doing in that robotic suit, Majora?"

Majora responds by cackling hysterically and leaping onto the table, where he begins to perform a dance which is essentially leaping up and down excitedly. Link appears to enjoy this very much.

"Yeeeeee-haw!" laughs Zant. "Play it, buddy!" Immediately after, he climbs up on the table after his friend and joins in the dance.

The DJ finds this highly amusing and cuts of Shakira mid-song, replacing that with _The Hamster Dance_. Zant and Majora shriek with laughter and lean against each other to prevent falling over. Both then join hands and begin to dance in circles as much as the table will allow.

"Well at least it's staying boy-girl...sorta," comments Midna.

"You just had to give them that Excedrin," Vaati mutters.

Link notices that Navi appears to be very sad at having been essentially dumped and left with no one to dance with. "C'mon," he says with unusual kindness. "Want to do the Hamster Dance?"

"I'm not sure," she says, uneasily.

"Let's try it," he says, taking her hand and leading her on to the dance floor.

**3:00 P.M.**

Everyone has nearly collapsed from some intense dancing. Even Majora and Zant are tired, though both continue to giggle madly, sitting on the dance floor, propped up against the wall.

Yo Yo Ma packs up his equipment and thanks Big Brother for the best gig he's been to since "Elvis, Bigfoot, Batboy, and that Grey pitched in for me to perform at the presidential debate in 2008."

Big Brother assures him that the pleasure was all theirs and he would receive his paycheck within a few days time. Yo Yo Ma gives a hearty thanks as he leaves and Big Brother is only able to stay in a good frame of mind by taking comfort from the fact that he deducted five dollars from the paycheck every time he was called "B-Man".

"That was some task, huh?" asks Midna, pulling off her high heels and pitching them across the room at Vaati.

"Hnn," groans Link, rubbing his feet (he has come to greatly regret offering to dance with Navi).

**4:00 P.M.**

Everyone is back in their old clothes and more or less rested up. Navi seems glad to be rid of the robotic body which she seemed to have trouble working. Majora, on the other hand, bursts into loud tears upon parting with his and vows to take over the company the instant he is off the show.

"I will have physical form again!" he cried. "I will once more pick things up...open and close doors...eat things!"

"How the [Censored] did he take the Excedrin if he can't eat, anyway?" Link asks Midna.

"Some things are better left unspoken," she replies.

**4:30 P.M.**

Time for confession cam!

_Link_ – Oh Goddesses, my feet, my feet are killing me...Yes, I know I was technically asking for it. Leave me alone!

_Midna_ – Good times, good times! I haven't danced like that since my Senior Prom. Heh heh! *_grins enigmatically_*

_Navi _– I feel bad, I kept tripping and stepping on Zant's feet somehow. I don't think he was having much fun. But the dress was pretty!

_Zant_ – *_inhales deeply and slowly exhales_* Okay. Why. Why, of all of the people in this house _did I get paired with the annoying, sparkly one_?!? WHY? It's not bad enough that she wouldn't shut up about the time she helped Link defeat the Subterranean Septic Monster or how many rupees on average he finds under a rock or in a pot - why does no one notice he breaks those things anyway? I'm evil and _I_ don't break other people's stuff - anyway, she stepped on my feet the entire time! Like, every...single...[CENSORED]...step! Is she secretly trying to kill me? I think I have a permanent limp now, I really do. Ow...

_Vaati_ – Midna really did look stunning tonight. She needs to wear dresses like that more often. Erm, not like an imp that is. Now I wish I had a camera.

_Majora_ – For this one beautiful night, I had my dream to be substantial fulfilled! And while I was insulted and demeaned by forced into that particular body - a female one that is, no disrespect to Mrs. First Lady - I shall have a new one as soon as I can, even if I must plow the factory to dust to do so! Wait, that might be counterproductive. Hmm...

**5:00 P.M.**

"Who's turn is it to fix dinner?" asks Link. "I'm starving!"

"Actually," says Big Brother, "Since you all did so well on this task - all things considered - and got the ratings nearly doubled, I decided to have food brought in."

"Fantastic!" says Midna. "What kind of food?"

"Oh, turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, and a chocolate cake."

"Wait, why that?"

Big Brother clears his throat uncomfortably. "Well," he says sheepishly, "I'm afraid that what with everything going on lately, I forgot to bring it in for Thanksgiving."

"We missed Thanksgiving?" asks Link dumbly.

"Do we even celebrate Thanksgiving?" calls Zant from the bathroom, where he is soaking his feet. "I don't think that holiday is known in Hyrule."

"Shut up!" Midna hisses. "Do you really want to pass up a free meal?"

**5:47 P.M.**

"Ah yes, I nearly forgot," says Big Brother as the cast finish the last of their dessert. "We still have to have our evictee for this week."

Instantly everyone shuts up. The three nominees - Vaati, Navi, and Majora - seem extremely nervous. None of them are patient or self-controlled at the best of times and the strain seems unnecessarily cruel.

"Well get on with it!" snaps Midna after five minutes of silence pass.

"No need to get snippy," says Big Brother. "Haven't you ever heard of dramatic pauses? The evictee for this week is…Navi!"

"Yaaaaay!!!!" squeals Navi. "I…wait a second…"

There is a beat as the cast can almost literally feel the fairy's normally endless cheer plummet. She hangs in the air and for once seems to have no words.

"Navi?" asks Midna with unusual concern

"I…I…" Navi gives a sob and flies up the chimney.

**5:55 P.M.**

The entire cast have gathered at the chimney opening and are calling up it, trying to convince Navi to come down quietly before Big Brother Security gets their high powered vacuum running. She won't say a word and it quite frankly freaks everyone out.

"Please Navi?" wheedles Midna. "It's not so bad really!"

Silence from the chimney.

"You can see Malon and Zelda again," suggests Vaati. "Doesn't that sound like fun? And...um...you can watch us on TV from the comfort of the Lost Woods and laugh at us making fools of ourselves."

"Would you miss me?" Navi finally squeaks out, her voice echoey.

"Of course!" insists Midna.

"No you don't! You're lying. I know that none of you like me." Navi sounds close to crying and all of the cast feel truly crummy. "Midna says I'm a more annoying version of her, Zant calls me 'the annoying sparkly one', and I came in last place on the _Big Brother_ website's "Most Popular Cast Member" poll."

"Well...you can't take those things seriously!" Vaati says uncomfortably.

"And I _won_ the "Most Annoying TV Character" poll...which also listed Wesley Crusher, Game Boy, and Scrappy Doo!"

"Yes...erm..."

"Listen!" says Link strictly, startling everyone else into silence. "Come on now Navi, that's stupid! There is no way I could dislike you. Why, I very well might never have defeated Ganondorf without you!"

"Really?" asks Navi softly.

"Of course!"

"I thought Navi couldn't get close to Gano-mph!" says Zant, cut off quickly as Midna and Vaati cover his mouth.

"Also," continues Link, ignoring this, "Who was it who gave me convenient hints on where to go during my quest? Who told me the names and weaknesses of all of the enemies we came across? Who kept my spirits up with those silly quips?"

"Me?" Navi guesses, starting to float cautiously out of the chimney.

"You've got it!" says Link encouragingly. "You were vital as my assistant, Navi! No one could take your place and I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Do you mean it?" asks Navi.

"Of course!" says Link. "If I didn't like you, I would have shoved you in a sack and thrown you into Zora's River during our journey!"

Navi bursts out crying with tears of joy as she flies forward to embrace Link. She forgets that she no longer has arms and ricochets off of his chest. "Alright then," she said. "I understand. Thank you Link! I will return to the Lost Woods and wait for you. We can have more adventures after you get off of the show too, right?"

"Certainly," says Link.

"Then I am off!" announces Navi. The cast secretly gives a sigh of relief and Big Brother informs the Security team that they will not need the high-powered vacuum after all.

"Oh, by the way," calls Zant as Navi flies for the door, "how did you know all of that...you know...?"

"The stuff you were saying about me?" Navi asks. "Saria has been watching the series and has been communicating with me via her Ocarina. That was how I found out."

"Communication with the outside world is strictly forbidden!" snaps Big Brother.

"Tough, B-man," says Navi and goes to leave, bouncing off of the door because she forgot to open it.

**7:00 P.M.**

The cast decides to unwind by spending the evening watching _Jingle All The Way_.

"Why do they always show Christmas stuff right after Thanksgiving?" asks Midna impatiently.

"'Tis the [censored] season," says Link dismisively.

"What _I_ want to know," says Zant, "is how Governor Schwartzeneger intends for his constituency to take him and his policies seriously when he's done movies like this and _Junior_?

"Probably the same way that one former vice president intended to be taken seriously after he proved he couldn't spell 'potato'," Majora guesses.

"What are you talking about?" asks Midna. "How do you know this stuff?"

"Well when you're a god you have to know those sorts of things," says Majora with a shrug.

* * *

_Happy (late) Thanksgiving to all! ^^;_


	21. Week 5 Monday

_Cast Members_

Link – Hero of Time and wielder of the Triforce of Courage. Rescues Princess Zelda and fights evil a whole lot. Doesn't really talk much.

**Princess Zelda – Princess of Hyrule and wielder of the Triforce of Wisdom. Has a tendency to get kidnapped, but she also has sweet magic and archery skills. Evicted.**

**Ganondorf – King of the Gerudos, wielder of the Triforce of Power, and the main villain in the Legend of Zelda. Spends his time trying to steal the other two Triforce parts, kidnap Zelda, or enslave Hyrule. Is always thwarted by Link. Evicted.**

**Navi – An annoying fairy companion of Link, mostly known for her irritating phrases such as "Hello?" "Look!" or "Listen!" Kind of the Tinkerbelle to Link's Peter Pan. Evicted.**

**Malon – A farm girl who shows up in most Legend of Zelda games. Pretty spunky and great with horses. Evicted.**

Midna – The ruler of the Twilight Realm. A little imp-like creature with many strange powers.

Zant – The crazy usurper of the Twilight Realm throne. Doesn't really care for Midna or Link (as both foiled his evil schemes).

Majora – Formerly a god worshiped by a now extinct civilization. Previously inhabited a mask, but was thrown from that by Link. Now is just a shadowy monster.

Vaati – A wind sorcerer from the future. He could be considered second only to Ganondorf, villainy-wise.

**Week 5, Monday**

**7:00 A.M.**

The cast is ready for breakfast, however there is no breakfast to be had. Normally Navi would be cooking for the day, however everyone failed to realize this when they tried to bleach their brains into oblivion over the weekend (resulting in a stern lecture from BB on the misuse of bathroom cleaners, several Twili slurrs, and Zant trying to eat one of the cameras).

"So someone make something!" snaps Midna. "I'm hungry!"

"I'll do it," offers Zant.

"NO!" shouts Link and Vaati, who realize that as the last non-Twili who can still eat, they must band together against this evil.

Zant is highly offended at this and goes off to sulk on the roof.

"I'll cook," sighs Vaati, rolling up his sleeves and heading for the kitchen.

While he works, everyone else busies themselves in the living room. Big Brother has (fortunately) remembered in time that it is Christmas Eve and has brought in some decorations - including a tree and outdoor lights - for their amusement. Midna seems fascinated by the glass bulbs for the tree and makes several hover around her as she works, so that she resembles some bizarre galaxy model.

"You know, Navi would probably love this," Link comments, as he strings along a garland of tinsel.

"I know. You'd probably hear her squealing from the Gerudo Desert," Midna replies, rolling her eyes.

**7:45 A.M.**

Vaati has fixed a hasty breakfast of sausage, eggs, and toast, which he lays out on the table buffet-style. He refuses to bring the food into the living room, insisting that he "wasn't a [censored] maid".

Majora meanwhile seems fixated by something out of the window. "Hey guys, it looks like there're coconut flakes falling from the sky," he calls.

"It's snow," says Link, leaning over to get a better look.

"Snow?"

"How do you not know what snow is? The mountainous region of Terminea was called _Snow_headfor a reason!"

"And what makes you think I went there?" asks Majora. "I'll have you know that I was very busy for those three days, possessing the Skull Kid, hovering over Clock Tower, and trying to bring down the Moon onto the world. Now, what's snow?"

"Snow is a type of precipitation which takes the form of crystalline water ice. It has an open and soft structure unless packed by an external force, and is composed of small ice particles making it a granular material," says Midna in a bored voice. "Now will you quit screwing around and pass me the ketchup?"

**8:30 A.M.**

Midna has gotten most of the decorations onto the tree and is placing the angel on the top. Link cracks a bad joke about painting Midna gold, putting wings on her, and putting her on the tree instead, and Vaati spends the next ten minutes curled up on the floor, trying not to laugh from the mental images.

Majora, meanwhile, has become utterly fixated with the angel. "She's beautiful..." he murmurs.

"Pretty enough," says Midna. "She looks older than a Roman acquaduct though."

"A girl like her is timeless," sighs Majora.

"Okay then..."

**10:00 A.M.**

"Howdy everyone," says Big Brother, his voice booming through the intercom. "Instead of Confession Cams or a task for today, I've got a bit of a treat for you. Since you've been without contact with the outside world for some time, I've decided to lift the ban for this short while - only for our...special callers."

"How's that a treat?" asks Midna.

"Just go on with your decorating," says Big Brother. "I'll broadcast the callers over the speakers. You just talk to the room in general to answer."

"What if we don't want the rest of the cast to know what we're saying?" asks Link.

"Then go off and answer in the bathroom or something. I don't care. We're taking calls starting now, so be prepared."

**10:15 A.M.**

The first call has come in!

"Big Brother's House, who is this call for?" asks Big Brother.

"What?" asks the bewildered caller. "Isn't this the Rough Rowdy Ranchers station?"

"No, this is the line to call in to talk to the cast of _Big Brother_. Is there anyone you want to talk to?"

"Nope, can't rightly say there is. I wanted to call in to the Rough Rowdy Ranchers station and request next week's wrestling pair."

"That's nice sir, now please get off of the line."

"Them's good wrestlers. You ever wrestle?"

"Not if I can help it. If you don't want to talk to the cast, then I suggest you hang up."

"Any of your cast wrestle?" asks the caller, suddenly interested.

"No, they do not."

"Well then, I guess I'd best hang up. Rightly sorry."

**11:00 A.M.**

"Hello?" comes the timid female voice, nearly unrecognizable because of the static. "Is anyone there?"

"Who's this call directed to?" asks Big Brother.

"This is for Link," says the caller. "It's me, Zelda!"

"Zelda!" gasps Link, dropping the wreath he is trying to put on the window. "Zelda! Is it really you?"

"Oh Link! I've been wanting to talk to you for so long!"

"I've been...erm, that is to say...what I've been saying for the past few episodes -"

"Link, I have a confession to make," says Zelda tearfully. "I know we all promised that we would continue to watch the series and cheer on the remaining contestants, but the Hyrule Castle television has been broken ever since the beginning of the second week! I'll be getting a new one in for Christmas, but I haven't seen anything of the show since that week."

"Oh," says Link, lookin considerably relieved. "Well that's...it's okay Zelda, don't worry about it."

"Thank you Link," says Zelda. "And it really is wonderful to hear from you again."

"Um, likewise. Zelda? There's something I need to tell you to."

"Anything!"

Link glances around the room, his face screwed up in resolve. "Zelda, I -"

"Link!" shouts an entirely new female voice.

"What's this?" asks Big Brother. "One caller at a time, please!"

"Link, oh my goddesses, I missed you _so_ much!"

"_Malon_?!?" shouts Link.

"Yes!" squeals the farm girl.

"How are you even calling? You don't have a telephone on Lon Lon Ranch!"

"Well," she replies, "I heard about the calling time - I kept tabs on the show, unlike Some People - and I just _had_ to speak to you again, so I rode my cart to Hyrule Castle, snuck in through that drain opening, slipped past the guards in the courtyard, and found the castle payphone."

"Hold on a minute," cuts in Zelda. "Do you mean to tell me that you are in the castle right this instant?"

"Erm..."

"Because," the princess continues, "that is fantastic! We can celebrate Christmas together!"

"Oh," says Malon. "Yeah, sure, that sounds like fun!"

"Sounds like you two have got some good plans then," says Link.

"Link," says Malon suddenly. "There's something I want to talk to you about."

"Oh goddesses," he mutters.

"I noticed that you began speaking during the third week. And...well...I know why you never did speak before - not that I blame you - and I know there aren't any Like Likes or Fire Keese in the bathroom in there, but I really was curious if you're sure the yeast has settled enough to -"

"Let's finish this conversation in the bathroom," says Link, noticing that Midna and Vaati have begun to show some interest.

**11:32 A.M.**

"There's a call here for Midna and Zant," says Big Brother. "Where is Zant, anyway?"

"He R-U-N-N-O-F-Ted," says Majora, still staring at the angel.

"Who knows?" asks Midna. "Just put them through and I'll handle it."

"Alright," says Big Brother.

"Middy-poo!" shouts a man through the intercom.

Midna closes her eyes and looks ready to die. "Hello Uncle Tsylter."

"How's my favorite niece? Are you doing well? Are you playing nicely with the others?"

"Uncle Tsylter, I am an adult who has fought fire and shadow and defeated pure evil and taken my place as the rightful Princess of the Twilight."

"I know," he says affectionately. "You're just _so_ accomplished! But listen, where's Zant? I want to talk to my favorite son!"

"I don't know," says Midna, sparing a Death Glare at Vaati, who is recovering from an apple cider spit take ("_Son_?!?"). "He's been missing for most of the day, come to think of it."

"Aw, that's too bad," says her uncle. "Well, I've got to go get your Aunt Whisinger her present, have a good holiday Middy-kins!"

Midna seethes as the phone hangs up. "There's a reason I don't talk about my family," she snarls to the room in general.

"Did you get a call?" asks Link, returning from the bathroom.

"No! Yes...MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!"

**12:00 Noon**

A lunch break is held. Vaati fixes several chicken sandwiches. Majora takes one look at them and freaks.

"What is it now, Majora?" asks Midna irately.

"Those are from _bird meat_!" the former deity wails. "Those're animals with _wings_!"

"So?"

Majora gives a horrible wail and flies up onto the mantleplace, putting him at eye level with the angel. "I tried," he sobs. "I tried."

**1:27 P.M.**

Vaati has gotten a phone call from his former tutor, a man named Ezlo. "That was very nice of him," the wind sorceror comments after the brief but cordial conversation. "He used to give me a call every holidays until we had a bit of a falling out."

"What happened?" asks Midna.

"I turned him into a talking hat, nothing much."

"Speak for yourself," mutters Link. "He practically lived on my head and would _not shut up_."

**3:00 P.M.**

The cast (still minus Zant) settle to watch _It's A Wonderful Life_ on the television. Majora opts to watch from the mantlepiece.

**3:30 P.M.**

The movie is interupted briefly by a loud thud coming from above.

"What do you suppose that was?" asks Vaati.

"Well, the snowfall's gotten pretty heavy," says Link. "A clump probably just piled up and fell off of the roof."

**5:00 P.M.**

Vaati originally planned to serve the Christmas turkey provided, but decides against it since Majora is still upset over the chicken sandwiches. Instead, he scavanges together some cheese, bread, sauce, and vegetables to make mini-pizzas.

"Just perfect for the holiday season," says Midna.

**5:23 P.M.**

Link gets yet another call in the middle of dinner.

"Link! LINK! I know I've made some mistakes in the past, but please take me back! We can run away to the Sky Temple together! I've even found the Triforce!"

"Oh goddesses, not you!" shouts Link, nearly chocking on his pizza.

In his room, Big Brother swears loudly as he realizes that he failed to properly examine the Caller ID number, sure enough seeing that it was the cell phone number of one Ariana Almandoz (he also fails to realize that his microphone linking him to the intercom was turned on, resulting in the vocal equivalent of Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction). He quickly cuts the call short as the insane fangirl begins begging Link to take her in the Ice Temple, which she insists that she's found via Gameshark.

**7:00 P.M.**

Big Brother insists that the cast set off for bed early, so that Santa can come while they're asleep.

"Who's Santa?" asks Majora.

"A fat, jolly man, usually considered an elf, also known as Saint Nicolas, who gives gifts overnight on Christmas Eve by sneaking into houses via chimneys," says Midna. "_No_, you may not ask me how I know that."

"So," asks Majora, still confused, "has he ever been arrested for breaking in and entering?"

**10:00 P.M.**

All is quiet, except for some mysterious sounds picked up by Microphones 4, 6, and 7 in the living room. Since it's so faint and goes away quickly, it is attributed to mice.

**11:00 P.M.**

A strange, shadowy form is picked up by Camera 4c, slithering through the living room.

**11:13 P.M.**

"Dear me, it's Santa! HELP!"

"Mmfhjorha! Helph!"

**11:20 P.M.**

"What's going on?" asks Link, his hair mussed and his temper poor. "Why are you up? What's wrong?

The cast has gathered in the living room, awakened by Majora's screams. "I heard someone in the chimney!" the former deity explains nervously. "It has to be Santa! I know it! I think he's coming to get me!"

"Santa's not evil," sighs Midna.

"Miphda? Izzat 'ou?"

"What's that voice coming from the chimney?" asks Link. "Can someone clean it out?"

Vaati gets the usual gleam in his eye that comes from anticipation of troublemaking. "_Veudarde, woeke, YOVTAG_!" he shouts. A powerful wind whips through the room, rushes up the chimney, and comes back out with a lot of soot and a very dirty...

"Zant!" cries Majora. "So _that's_ where you went!"

"Hullo," says a very confused Zant, weakly. "I...I fell asleep on the roof and I woke up all covered in white, and I paniced and fell down that brick box thingy, but it led me down here. Am I in Wonderland? I think I need a shower..."

"Good idea," says Midna, leading him off to the bathroom.

"Well, my work here is done," says Vaati smugly, yawning and heading back to bed.

Link turns to Majora. "Why were you up at this time of night?"

Majora looks reverently at the angel on the tree. "I wanted to see her again. She's so lovely in the dark. Evangeline, that's her name. Look how she lights up the night, my beautiful Evangeline!"

"Evangeline will still be there in the morning," Link reminds him.

"I know. I just wanted to say goodnight."

"Well you have, so off to bed."

The fallen deity flies off for the bedroom, leaving Link alone briefly. As he goes to leave, the Hero of Hyrule glances at Camera 25c, which is closest. "Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night," he says gently. He then turns and walks back to the bedroom, switching off the lights as he goes.

* * *

_Hope all you people in Readerland have a wonderful holidays as well! May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be white. Expect a better update shortly. ^_^_


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